Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done in the search for MH370 up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate.

THERE is a lot of anger and frustration out there, and understandably so. After three weeks, and despite the announcement that MH370 is deemed to have crashed in the remote southern Indian Ocean, there is still no closure in sight.

As we watch the images on our TV screens, and even via our smartphones, we can see that the search is intense and professional. After all, more than 26 countries are currently involved.

One recent TV broadcast commented that one of the reasons why so many countries are willing to chip in is that Malaysia is deemed to be a “friendly country” with friends who will always come forward to help.

The reality is that a full array of expertise and technology is currently being harnessed in the search for the plane.

But at the people level, emotions continue to run high. Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate. And when emotion gets in the way of reason, unpleasant scenes are bound to arise.

Personally, I have had enough of the persistent attacks on Malaysia as a country, and Malaysians as a collective whole. And I think all reasonable and rational Malaysians should speak up when abuses, verbal or otherwise, are hurled at our country.

We are not talking about criticisms against national leaders who have to take them in their stride. This is part of their job, after all, and I think it is also fair to point out the inadequacies of our frontline people when they fall short.

But why should ordinary Malaysians take the heat – for no reason whatsoever – over the disappearance of MH370?

Take, for example, the endless barrage of threats and emotionally-charged accusations coming from the country with the most number of passengers on board.

First of all, they have every right to be angry. And they can throw tantrums if that will make them feel better.

At times like this, the least we can do is to try and understand their anger and frustration.

But what I cannot understand is why is the situation being defined strictly as “us against them”?

Let’s not forget that there are 50 Malaysians among the passengers and crew. And the fact that this is a Malaysian Airlines plane puts us at the very pinnacle of the responsibility chain.

Malaysians grieving just as much

There are Malaysians who are grieving just as much because they have lost their friends and relatives. And as far as numbers go, we must also not forget that many Malaysians are now currently involved in one responsibility or another in taking care of the families of those affected by the tragedy.

Some faces have become so familiar over the past few weeks that they have practically become like family to us. And we are not talking only about the images of the victims plastered all over the newspapers.

This is not an aviation mystery that involves just one country. To be precise, those on board MH370 come from 14 countries.

But Malaysians are at the forefront to answer the queries, and many more are working in the background. All the daily abuses being hurled at our officials, who are already doing their best, are not going to help bring the plane back.

It is insane to suggest that the Malaysian government is, or Malaysians in general are, guilty of murder. This is when emotions have truly gone haywire.

And the condemnation of Malaysia Airlines has gone overboard. Point out the airline’s shortcomings in this present crisis, by all means, but one surely cannot be hysterical about the airline’s historical record.

There is only one blot on MAS’ flying record, but that happened in 1977.

And running down MAS in itself does not mean every other flight of every other airline is guaranteed safe. People will continue to fly, on MAS and other airways, despite the ongoing crisis.

Yes, we could have handled things better. We could have done a better job of crisis management in the early stage.

Yes, we slacked, but that’s simply because we have never had to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, whether natural or man-made.

Our leaders and officials have never been tested under such severe circumstances before. They’ve never had to face the international press up close and personal.

These are the people who not only ask tough questions but also some silly ones as well, like the reporter who asked our Acting Transport Minister if he is a cousin of the Prime Minister.

But we have to admit that our frontline people have learnt much along the way.

Conspiracy theories don’t help

The other matter that bothers me a lot is the accusation that we Malaysians are hiding information. That is something we regularly hear from the anguished family members and also the foreign media. But I was shocked that a Malaysian pilot with AirAsia X also made the same accusation on Facebook.

Seriously, Tan Sri Tony Fernandes, can you please give him your famous line, “You are fired!”

Whatever one may say about the disclosure of information, I must say that Acting Transport Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein has performed well.

He has handled all the questions posed, including even the personal one, professionally and in good English, which is something to be expected of a UK-trained lawyer.

I am glad that some of the uniformed personnel who appeared in the earlier media briefings have slipped into the background. Their poor command of English was certainly an unnecessary obstacle as we faced the world.

Much of the anger can also be attributed to the endless conspiracy theories flying all over cyberspace.

Not only are they false, but they also create unnecessary anger among those who may not fully know and understand the Malaysian environment.

Linking the pilot to the opposition and postulating the theory that he hijacked and crashed the plane is surely laughable, but the story did gain traction when even the print media picked it up.

It appears to me that the angry voices, even a minority, take on a life of their own because Malaysia is just a tiny country in the grand scheme of things.

That’s why it makes me a little sore because there’s such a thing called national integrity.

I believe many of us can no longer stand Malaysia and Malaysians being kicked around by these whimsical and loud protesters.

The search for physical evidence of MH370 is going on yet Malaysia is still being accused of doing a crappy job in the search and rescue operations.

As we can see for ourselves, there are 26 countries involved and, frankly, every country is eager to be the first to find something. As one analyst put it, each country is anxious to show off its “bragging” rights.

We need to be patient because every wrong announcement even from the right authorities will not help.

We may want to depend on the armchair analysts, including failed journalists, for quick information and analysis but these people are accountable to no one.

It is really tough because we are in a “damn if you do and damn if you don’t” scenario.

Our leaders get fired for holding press conferences that reveal little and they also get fired for not holding any press conference if they don’t have anything to share. For good measure, they end up being accused of hiding something.

In for the long haul

But the reality is that this is going to be a long haul.

Malaysia owes it to the families of those on board MH370 to search for the answers, no matter how long it takes.

The emotional outbursts are understandable. To lose an only child is surely painful, which explains why some nationality is taking it worse than others.

But the cursing, abusing and condemnation are not helping a bit.

Hurling empty water bottles at those trying their best to assist won’t bring back our loved ones.

Worse, demanding that our official kneel down and apologise is unbelievable.

Malaysians are decent, tolerant, forgiving and God-fearing people.

We may not be as efficient and competent to the level that others demand of us, but we all know what we have to do – and that includes providing answers to the families of many Malaysians on board MH370 as well.

Since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370, many people have become aviation and crisis management ‘experts’ overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

IT has been two weeks since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370 and there is still no real clue although there is plenty of speculation. There are many theories being bandied about but no one has the answers.

But many people – Malaysians and other nationalities too, as well as members of the press – have become aviation and crisis manage­ment “experts” overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

Here’s my roll call for the top 10 confusing stories that have emerged out of MH370.

Confusion No.1: The prize has to go to PAS politician Mahfuz Omar who declared that his fellow Pakatan Rakyat mates were ready to replace all 239 passengers and crew members on board as hostages if the plane was indeed hijacked. He really must have a great sense of humour.

At a glance, you would have thought he is terribly heroic but he quickly qualified himself by saying, in a rather outrageous way, that “if the plane was hijacked, there would have been negotiations by now”.

In simple language, he does not think the plane was hijacked. But if it wasn’t, then why was he talking about a hostage swap? Duh! Hello! Why do you even bother to make the declaration in the first place except to get some cheap publicity? We will be glad to send you some business tickets so you can be nearer to those in the cockpit.

And his Pakatan Rakyat mates have cleverly chosen to remain silent, obviously thinking to themselves that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to pack him off, alone, to save everyone the embarrassment.

Confusion No.2: The blonde French reporter who asked Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein to confirm that he is a cousin of the Prime Minister must have thought that she had cornered, trapped and exposed the Acting Transport Minister into having to admit the biggest scandal of all time! That the PM and Hishammuddin are close relatives! What a scoop!

We really do not know what she was thinking, if she was thinking in the first place, and really, what was in her head? But let’s forgive her. It must be jetlag from the long hours of flying. She may have missed her croissants but we can assure her that croissants are available in Malaysia. Delifrance, by the way, isn’t owned by Malaysians but by Singaporeans, so don’t blame us, again, if you find them not French enough.

Confusion No.3: The Daily Mail, known for its sensational journalism, claimed that Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah is a fanatical supporter of Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, implying that he had hijacked the plane for political reasons.

Now that’s really low. It’s a joke, but it’s not funny. Zaharie may have his political beliefs, which he is entitled to in a democracy, but that doesn’t make him a political kamikaze pilot. What if another person, well trained in aviation, had taken control of the cockpit? Has that thought ever occurred to The Daily Mail?

The Daily Mail report was enough to trigger an attack against the Malaysian Government for purportedly politicising the MH370 story! The Malaysian press was walloped for pointing out what The Daily Mail had done. Anwar appeared on CNN to join in the verbal riot – without pointing out that it started with this silly tabloid.

The reality is that from day one, the government, media and those who visited Zaharie’s open FB account had read and seen pictures of his involvement in PKR. It was never brought out because his political leanings are of no consequence, and we have to be respectful to a man in such a situation.

But I guess the critics are the same people who enjoy pouncing on the government for everything, including the continuing slide of Manchester United.

Ya lah, ini semua hal gomen, MU kalah lagi. Ini pasai PM sokong MU. Macam mana ni? Kalah lagi.

Confusion No.4: Malaysia is by now the most well-known country in the world. There is no way that Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin can go to their offices each morning without giving a thought to Malaysia. That’s a real morbid thought, unfortunately.

But some section of the international media, probably some researchers back at their base stations, are still struggling to ­figure out where Malaysia is.

CNN put Kuala Lumpur as a city in Indonesia on one occasion, and another TV station placed KL and the whole of the peninsula in Sabah and Sarawak. One TV station confused Melaka with Mecca, as its commentators lectured Malaysians for their incompetence.

Confusion No.5: The bomoh aka Raja Bomoh Sedunia Nujum VIP continues to be confused. By now he is known as a shaman, a medicine man, a rain maker or a snake oil salesman, and maybe a crocodile meat (and other parts) seller, too, after he threatened to slap Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin (KJ) “like a crocodile” for condemning his magic carpet ritual at KLIA.

Besides making Malaysia an international laughing stock, this bomoh has single-handedly created the biggest side show in modern aviation history and taken medical tourism to a new level.

He also made history in a single day by making “bomoh” one of the most Googled words. Malaysia Boleh, Raja Bomoh!

As a follow-up, a news portal reported that the urban dictionary defines a crocodile slap or “alligator slap” as “the act of slapping someone in the face with one’s penis”.

Now, this one has made many of us terribly confused! Is this Raja Bomoh Sedunia looking for some dried penis from a dead crocodile – in the cynical words of KJ in his tweet, kokedai – as part of the slapping ritual? KJ, as a politician, may be used to seeing crocodile tears being shed around him but he should not take this “crocodile slap” threat lightly. Just a penny for a thought.

Confusion No.6: Celebrity chef Datuk Redzuawan Ismail or Chef Wan would have realised by now that it is a tough act to come up with a good sequel. His earlier tweet that MAS had served “a very naked” nasi lemak with just a half-boiled egg and sambal (chilly paste) without the standard anchovies and peanuts generated much attention. But this time, he has been caught with his pants down.

A picture of himself, on his Instagram account, holding a door-like object which he linked to the search operation that is now focused on the southern Indian Ocean, has gone down badly with the public.

He had written: “2 objek di Perth dan satu ni I ingat kan ya ia sebahagian dari pintu kapal terbang MAS (two objects in Perth and this one I thought was part of the door of the MAS aircraft.

“Tapi setelah diteliti rupanya ianya sebahagian dari Pintu Jamban Rumah Cik Kiah di pantai Morib yang telah using rupanya. Adoi frustnya.

(But after inspection, it was actually part of Cik Kiah’s rundown toilet door at Morib beach. It’s really frustrating.)”

Chef Wan must have felt the heat and smoke from the kitchen. He must have smelt it – the burning smell – and even if he had been caught naked, he quickly put out the fire – he deleted his posting! Well, the lesson to learn is to be careful of what you are cooking.

Confusion No.7: It was a good read, that’s about it – pilgrim Raja Dalelah Raja Latife claiming she spotted a wreckage on the same day MH370 went missing. As the news report stated, pilots rubbished her claim.

But this determined lady lodged a police report and pointed out that she had just returned from the holy land, and that no one can accuse her of lying.

No one is accusing her of anything but many are doubtful. Thank you for the tip-off as all information is important. And thank you for taking the trouble to lodge a police report and alerting the media. You are a fine citizen for sure.

But unless one has bionic eyes or, in the case of the bomoh, uses bamboo binoculars with special Malaysian powers enhanced by Tongkat Ali and Power Roots, it is hard to look down and spot things from a 35,000ft altitude.

Poor lady, she must have been tired, like the French reporter, from all the travelling. She probably misses her nasi lemak, just as the French reporter misses her croissant.

Confusion No.8: By now, everyone is aware that Malaysian leaders are getting most of the rap for failing to come up with solid information. The confusion, in the initial stage, and how the whole thing has been managed have, of course, made us look bad.

But it is terribly unfair to accuse us of holding back, even hiding, information when there is nothing to offer in the first place. We have seen how horrendous it can be to share bits of information that turn out to be nothing.

The Chinese have found that out and now Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has, too. He called up the Malaysian and Chinese leaders to share the information that satellites had picked up images of two huge objects floating in the sea.

He excitedly told his Parliament, and the world thought this was the “most credible lead” so far, but it doesn’t look like “this is it” any more.

The poor guy has now seen himself going literally down under after the initial spotlight. Despite his many cautionary remarks that the images had not been verified, that has not stopped the barrage of criticisms from being hurled at him.

We believe, from satellite images picked up, that Abbott is now watching on YouTube clips of containers on vessels flying off in rough seas.

Confusion No.9: I know that many Malaysians believe in dreams. Sometimes they get confused, thinking that some Supreme Being is sending Whatsapp messages to their heads while they are sleeping.

So many of us in the media, including this writer, have been receiving messages, SMS, emails and phone calls from people who claim they have the exact GPS coordinates to locate the missing plane.

One said it is somewhere in Madagascar and another said it’s on top of Mount Everest.

One warned that if we did not deliver the images which had been transmitted to her head, she would report our incompetence to the PM and his cousin, Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

Call from aunty-sounding reader: “You don’t try to be funny, I can see you are laughing (note: I am actually covering my mouth but yes, she is right. I am laughing, in a technical sense, so maybe she can see things!) but I had a dream last night, the plane was flying over a mountain top, maybe it’s Mount Everest and maybe it’s in Kilimanjaro in Africa. I am not sure. But tell the leaders, quick!

“I could see the passengers and crew members in my dream. The images came to me like a radar or whatever you call it. “

Another sent me a YouTube posting of a religious leader predicting a Malaysian plane would go missing and said I should bring it up to the authorities too.

Thank you for sharing but we haven’t had time to check when he made the prediction.

I like Malaysians for their dreams. Who can blame us, the confused Malaysians, as our dreams do come true sometimes. Dreams have helped us to make up numbers for our Empat Ekor bets, and we actually strike and make money! Only in Malaysia lah, dreams do come true!

Confusion No.10: The media, again. By now, everyone is really exhausted. Not just tired, but flat out. Some foreign reporters are working during the early hours of 3am or 4am, according to their time zones.

Local reporters are too tired to sleep, sending out text messages to each other in the dead of the night, only to be up again at 6am to be on their job.

Last week, two foreign photographers snapped at each other. Editors and reporters are struggling to file stories with new angles in the absence of solid information.

Their families and loved ones are getting upset but that is nothing compared with the suffering and mental torture of the families of the missing passengers and crew members.

In the case of the media, it looks like we have come to a stage where “today’s news is there is no news”, as one foreign newscaster covering the crisis from KL said on air.

It is a horrible situation in many ways. The lack of credible leads and information has sparked off anger but as long as the plane is not found, it means there is hope.

It’s an emotional roller-coaster ride but we must pray for MH370, no matter what.

We seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

THE 10 most ridiculous rumours circulating about the MH370 incident, especially on the Internet (it is not just Facebook but also many blogs, chats, etc), reveal the state of utter confusion among Malaysian netizens.

We complain a lot and say we feel embarrassed when the Malaysian frontliners give conflicting statements. But at the same time, we seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

Confusion No.1: The missing MH370 landed in Nanning, China. They are all safe. The pilot, one Captain Sufian Suan, has called up and confirmed that all the passengers are safe and sound. No one seems to ask why no one has called up the authorities in Nanning to verify. Nanning, after all, is a major Chinese city and it is not every day that a plane flies in unannounced. But everyone on Facebook claimed that was the truth. And their friends, and friends of friends, and their many FB friends have all confirmed.

Ah Boy, listen to Ma, it’s the truth, okay? I already double confirmed. It’s all over Facebook, didn’t you read? Thank God, they are safe. I don’t understand why the Government still never announce, always so slow.

Confusion No.2: The prize has got to go to the three bomohs who came in their suits and ties. They even had a purported magic carpet. They reminded most Malaysians of the P. Ramlee movie Laksamana Do Re Mi, a 1972 Malaysian comedy featuring P. Ramlee, A.R. Tompel and Ibrahim Din reprising their roles as Do, Re and Mi respectively.

May I have the envelope, please? The top award has to go to this Bomoh Trio for bringing international disrepute, scorn and embarrassment to all Malaysians. Seriously, they need to have their heads examined, and to seek treatment.

One was holding two coconuts, maybe to symbolise some kind of radar or tracking device, and one was using his walking stick as a paddle. The middle one held a basket. This has to be a classic basket case, you may say.

The carpet, we guess, was to represent a boat. Thanks, guys, you have done a superb job in bringing Malaysia to the world and giving medical tourism a whole new meaning. If a magic carpet can fly, so can all Malaysians.

Strange as it may sound, even Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor (JAIS) has been praised by its usual critics after the department issued a warning to the Bomoh Trio that they might be arrested!

But the Bomoh Trio does have company. A video has appeared on FB showing a Taoist priest from Klang in a trance and, while drinking liquor, is making his prediction on the plane! It proves the point that there are enough idiots of all races and religions in Malaysia.

Confusion No.3: The plane has vanished into an isolated place in Russia. Come on, this has to come from someone who has regularly failed his geography exam since primary school. The fact that many Malaysians actually believe and shared it on FB proved my theory that Malaysians are really bad at Geography. During my student days, the subject was called Ilmu Alam and now, with all the strange theories about MH370, many are really lost in some alam.

Hello, the plane vanished after two hours. If it cannot even reach Beijing, how can it reach Russia? If it has entered Russia illegally, do we actually think that President Vladimir Putin will do nothing, even if he has his hands full on Ukraine and Crimea?

Confusion No.4: Actually, the Malaysian authorities know where the plane is – it has clearly been hijacked but they cannot tell us anything because negotiations are in progress for the right ransom.

This one has to come from a very confused FB account holder. Obviously, he has many more confused FB friends. Most of these really imaginative, stoned or really blurred people must have just watched Liam Neeson’s recent movie about a hijacked plane.

I am glad that there is no representative from a media specialising in such theories or he would have posed this question at the daily media briefing.

Confusion No.5: It’s proven – Malaysians are pretty bad with Mathematics. No surprise that we rank pretty low on the international scale. Look, we cannot even get it right – two fake passports or four? DCA says five passengers didn’t show up, the IGP says only one, and MAS then said actually four did not show up.

Immigration says the Iranians used Austrian and Italian passports to enter Malaysia but Interpol says the two Iranians entered Malaysia on Iranian passports before switching to the Austrian and Italian passports to leave KLIA. By now, everyone is thoroughly confused.

Confusion No.6: The media is also one confused lot amid their eagerness to file the fastest news report. A reference to footballer Mario Balotelli – as an illustration to show that an African man with an Italian name may not be white – was wrongly interpreted by reporters, who misquoted the DCA official as saying that the man using a fake passport was black.

As this statement contradicted the Home Minister who had assumed the fake passport holders to be Asian, the barrage of criticism went viral on FB. One newspaper got it wrong too and put the news on page one. Its online link was shared on FB. Until today, it remains a fact even though the poor DCA chap was misquoted.

Confusion No.7: The most distasteful claim has to come from the Australian blonde. It is truly shameful. She has accused the First Officer of MH370, in another flight back in 2011, of letting her sit in the cockpit during take-off and landing. But it’s essentially a one-sided story and the officer may never have a chance to rebut or defend himself. We should show respect to his family. This is utterly disgusting. Instead of showing sympathy, many have added more fuel to the claim by insisting the accusations were “confirmed”. How? By just a mere picture of the pilots with the blondes?

Confusion No.8: Families of the passengers coming in from China on a MAS flight ended up in India instead of Kuala Lumpur. The cri­tics, including some journalists who do not think, did not even bother to verify the story. They will believe anything that gives them a chance to run down and wallop the authorities.

But hey, how can that possibly happen? Chinese passengers entering a plane loaded with Indians? How do they find their seats and how could they be on board?

One Singaporean youth news portal actual­ly got hoodwinked into believing the news and uploaded it on their portal as a fact!

But many Malaysians are too lazy and confused to check, preferring to believe most things they read on the Internet.

Confusion No.9: The one who has to politicise everything. Even the MH370 incident has to tie up with politics and the leadership. One constant armchair critic, who declares himself an independent but appears in many functions organised by a certain political party, said the ruling government has to go, as in replaced, in the next general election.

Another politician is upset that foreign intrusion is allowed to take place in Malaysia because foreign ships and aircraft are allowed to take part in the search and rescue operation. But there are enough confused people who believe him. Really, they need help.

Confusion No.10: If there is any top prize for the most ridiculous theory, it has to be for those who think aliens are at work. It’s either some kind of abduction by foreign beings or some disappearance into some black hole, like what one sees in a Twilight Zone movie. Seriously, planes do vanish, perhaps not in modern aviation times, but it has happened before.

In one case, a plane flying between Buenos Aires and Santiago just disappeared without a trace – and the debris was found 60 years later, on a snow-covered mountain top. Just Google, as we say.

But decent Malaysians only have one thing on their minds – to pray for the well-being of the passengers and their families. We must pray for them but we can do with the disappearance of those who post comments, false news and doctored pictures on FB without thinking. Not to forget some of our silly politicians too.

How well do we really know our foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning?

SO it’s now official – Malaysia has a population of 30 million people. I guess this will include a lot of foreigners who are now an integral part of Malaysian life.

How well do we really know these foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning? Are they just aliens to us?

Here’s a list of nine facts that we hope will clear the warped minds of many ignorant and confused Malaysians.

Fact No.1: The most famous alien of the week has to be Ultraman. He may be a superhero of possibly Japanese ethnic origin but, hey, he is still a foreigner, okay? With his tight, dodgy rubber suit, it would not have been possible for him to carry his documents around in Malaysia – and that would have been an offence!

He has fought Godzilla and a host of other monsters but he has met his Waterloo – he got floored, walloped and beaten by a Google Translate-minded translator. Ultraman is always on the side of law and order but to be equated as Allah and Elder would have blown him off!

An ignorant translator, a publisher with no permit and a fake address, and a really sharp-eyed censorship official – that would have been simply new to Ultraman. There are more surprises for him – there are also ultra right-wingers in Malaysia whom we would love him to meet.

And, of course, some of our officials are ultra-sensitive these days, preferring to use the sledgehammer approach in the execution of their duties. But we hope they won’t exercise their duties beyond their powers or, as the legal term which is often used, ultra vires. Not ultra virus.

But the worst of all is this ultra-silly translator who has literally carried out an ulta job – which in our local lingo is a lousy job!

All these may be alien to Malaysians and even to our illegal immigrants but, hey, this is Malaysia, okay? We love to laugh at ourselves; we love to be in the international news, even for the wrong reasons. Don’t try to alienate us, okay?

Fact No.2: Yes, many Bangladeshi men walk around Pudu and Bukit Bintang holding hands. I know you are shocked. Come on, confess. I know you think they have a certain sexual orientation. Okay, let’s blurt it out – you think they are homosexuals, right? A real man doesn’t hold another man’s hand, you think.

But the fact is that in Bangladesh and some southern Asian countries, holding hands, especially between men, is a sign of close friendship and brotherhood. It’s simply as innocent as that, you ignorant fool.

And your perverted, twisted and prejudiced Malaysian mind thought that besides cricket, our Bangladeshi friends have other fanatical passion – like holding hands. Hands up, those who want to confess!

Fact No.3: Not all Nigerians are conmen who cheat innocent Malaysian women into thinking that they are white Britons who live in big countryside homes. Not all Nigerians attempt to cheat you into sending them money by claiming they are corrupt generals. Not all Nigerians dupe you into making more money appear from nowhere.

Not all Nigerians who live in the Mentari housing estate in Bandar Sunway get drunk, party till morning and make a nuisance of themselves.

There are many God-fearing and God-­loving Nigerians living among us. If you keep bumping into a Nigerian, it’s simply because Nigeria is the biggest country in Africa. It’s many times bigger than Malaysia. So you didn’t know and you thought Nigeria is just a pimple of a country. Shame on you for thinking that we are bigger than the universe because of your super Malaysia Boleh ego.

Fact No.4: Iranians are now the largest group among the Malaysia My Second Home participants. There are more than 70,000 Iranians studying, working or waiting for visas in this country. It isn’t true that all Iranians are Ayatollahs with beards, wearing turbans and flowing robes. In fact, they are coming into Malaysia in huge numbers because they like our easy-going multi-ethnic country.

According to a news report, many clubs in Kuala Lumpur now dedicate a day each week as “Iranian Night” featuring Iranian deejays and music.

Put simply, they love to party without fear of getting whipped by the moral police – and yet some of us want to turn Malaysia into something like Iran!

And, of course, by now we have learned that not all Iranians are angels and God-fearing, despite coming from a religiously puritanical country, after the arrest of many Iranian drug traffickers in Malaysia.

Okay, here’s the lesson you need to learn – Iranians are not Arabs. They are Persians and, in fact, they can’t stand the Arabs. Iranians are mostly Shi’ites while Arabs are predominantly Sunnis.

Aiyo, really Ah Boy, I am now really confused. All this while, I thought Iranians are Arabs. They all smoke shisha and eat the same food, what? All Muslims what, got difference meh? This is crazy lah, Ah Boy, so many foreigners in KL now.

Fact No.5: Not all Nepalese are Gurkhas. Gurkhas are the tough guys who served as soldiers in the Nepalese, British and Indian army, according to a report. They are the equivalent of Rambo, you may say.

It has nothing to do with the skinny and bored security guards at your apartment reception or the guardhouse.

The only thing in common between the skinny guard and the macho looking ex-army man is that they are both Nepalese. They eat the same food and probably enjoy watching the same Hindi movies. That’s where it ends.

And I am not sure Nepalese men are really that tough. Come on, I haven’t come across any Nepalese doing construction work, have you?

Ah Boy, I already told you. I will say it again, okay? So many of these security guards are so skinny, they cannot even take care of themselves. I am really worried each time I walk to my car. Can the skinny guards fight off the rapist?

Fact No.6: China is a big, big country with over a billion people. Don’t lump everyone together. Not every Chinese woman wants to skip classes in our local colleges, okay? Not every Chinese woman wants to steal the husband of her Malaysian counterpart, okay? Not every Chinese woman is a China doll. Many actually look quite frightening.

Not all Chinamen are rich and wealthy with super connections with the Communist Party of China’s (CCP) political politburo. And, for sure, not every Chinaman is selling fake precious stones in Pudu.

But here’s the fact: more and more mainland Chinese have signed up for the Malaysia My Second Home programme. They are also the biggest foreign investors in Johor’s Iskandar project now.

Yes, the Chinese are coming and many are wealthy! And because we are investor-friendly, realistic Malaysians, we do not care if they are CCP-card carrying members. Who cares? As long as they have money, we welcome them! Huan ying! Huan ying! (welcome in Mandarin).

Fact No.7: It is surely not true that all Vietnamese eat dogs or cats. It is probably propaganda by the US army against the Vietnamese during the 1960s war. The Americans were probably mistaken or intentionally confused when they heard that Vietnamese love eating pho – the delicious flat rice noodles aka koay teow. Pho, as some of us may not know, rhymes with the word “fur”. That’s when the confused American marines, who were already going insane with the fighting or just high on drugs, thought it was these furry animals or men’s best friends that these Vietnamese were eating.

I mean, if you are a country simpleton from the mid-West who cannot tell the difference between Vietnam and India, how would you know the difference between pho and fur? That’s how the myth of the dog-eating Vietnamese probably started.

So if you are living in Klang or Balakong, where there are many Vietnamese, please do not accuse our Vietnamese friends of anything if your dogs don’t come home.

Fact No.8: Not all South Americans are in town to join our football teams or to teach zumba, rumba or salsa in dancing schools.

Many South American crooks have found Malaysians easy targets because some of us cannot imagine that there can be Caucasian-looking criminals. If anyone of them can speak Spanish or, even better, sing like Julio Iglesias, then he has to be a lover, surely not a fighter or a thief.

So more and more South American criminals are making their way into our homes – and stealing our belongings.

The Polis DiRaja Malaysia, when contacted, could not confirm nor deny accusations that Latinos often sing Quanta La Mera – the Spanish words for “in the” – when they are “in the” process of stealing from us.

Fact No.9: You cannot talk about illegal immigrants and foreign workers without talking about crooked policemen. They all seem to go together for some strange reasons. It may sound alien or foreign to you but it’s the truth – unless you are putting on blinkers or living in another planet, which makes you an alien, for sure.

Well, there are enough accusations from many foreigners that they are often picked on by rogue cops who want bribes and even cigarettes if they can’t prove their case.

That’s really horrible if these stories are true as it is simply unacceptable to see foreign workers being bullied. That’s a foreign and alien culture.

We are Malaysians. If they are illegal immigrants, round them up. If they have refugee status, let them be. If they have proper documents, let them work without fear.

But we are sure that not every cop behaves like this. We have read of cops being bashed up or even killed by illegal immigrants.

There are many other real stories of policemen who put their lives at risk to protect us against crooked foreign criminals.

But whatever said and done, these foreigners certainly love Malaysia. They get arrested, deported and, hey, they are back again in Malaysia – until the next operation by the authorities! What a forgiving lot we all are!

Malaysian drivers have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

IF you think Malaysian politicians are untrustworthy, unreliable and dangerous, then you haven’t met Malaysian motorists.

Talking to me? Yes! We have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

We are not sure if this is the result of driving schools simply churning out inadequately trained drivers or the authorities dishing out kopi lesen for the right price. But for sure, Malaysian drivers are pretty peculiar, so to speak. Here are 10 offences you must know about us.

Offence No 1: Foreigners – especially the high-income ones who call themselves expatriates to distinguish themselves from the low-paying foreigners – must understand that mamak restaurant owners are the kings of parking lots.

Yes, you read it right. No one can park their vehicle outside their restaurants. It’s only reserved for their tables and stools, especially in the evenings.

So please do not think that because you are an expat, wah, you can complain about Malaysia. Even we Malaysians keep quiet.

Don’t ask why municipal council enforcement officers are not acting. You think they’ve got no work to do, ah? Tearing down “rocket and volcano massage” posters already take up all their time, okay?

Offence No 2: When we drive into a shopping mall, we fight to park near the entrance. That’s because most of us are too lazy to walk. We may insist on the need to exercise daily to keep ourselves fit but when it comes to parking at the mall, it must always be at the spot nearest to the lift! Can’t you just park right in front of the entrance? Ah Boy, we need to walk very far if we park too far.

Not only that. Now, Malaysia is not safe any more. I don’t want to be robbed or raped while walking to the car, okay Ah Boy. These foreign security guards all useless ones, ask them where is the toilet also they don’t know. You trust them, ah, all so skinny ones, how to protect us? Come, come, park near the entrance. Pusing a few rounds lah, if don’t have!

Offence No 3: Malaysia must be the only country in the world where, after spending millions of ringgit to build stretches of beautiful roads, we immediately build humps every few metres away from each other! This is absolutely mind boggling but, hey, this is Malaysia. We do things our way, okay? Why ask so much, jealous of our success in humping, ah? Sorry, I mean, we love humps.

Offence No 4: Malaysian motorists are very good at multi-tasking. We can do many job functions at one time while driving. We can text, SMS or whatsapp while driving or even while riding our bikes. This is already an acceptable thing. No longer a skill, okay?

Of course, yakking away and driving at 20kph, ignoring the honking behind us, is also already an entrenched culture: Itu sudah jadi biasa lah bro, bukan news lagi lah. (That’s already normal, no longer news.)

While on the wheel, some of us play with the baby or pet dog, too. I told you what, Malaysians can do anything one.

Offence No 5: If you have seen how human beings can turn into super heroes in the movies, such Transformer actions also happen in Malaysia. A simple, mild-mannered, friendly and helpful person whom you think you’ve known all your life can turn into a reckless, bad-mouthing road devil once he or she takes control of the wheel.

Seriously, Malaysian drivers can be the subject of a doctoral thesis. Just look at the changing mood of Malaysian drivers when they push the pedal. From honking at the vehicles in front of them for no apparent reason to giving ugly stares as they pass by another motorist, their behaviour is such that no one is safe on the road in Malaysia.

Offence No 6: The red light at traffic junctions is only meant for cars, not for motor bikes. Nope, we are not kidding. Come on, lah macha (brother in Tamil). Where do you find motorcylists stopping at junctions? Who taught you to stop? Your driving instructors, who offered you the “guaranteed pass kopi duit” package, ah?

Stop arguing, okay? Red lights are not for motorcyclists. It’s for Malaysians who can afford to buy cars. Yes, that was an election pledge – if that makes you happy.

Offence No 7: Demerit points? I don’t think any of us have come across any Malaysian who has been penalised for breaking traffic rules and collecting demerit points that could lead to our licences being suspended. Got, meh?

In fact, most of us probably do not even recall the much publicised but fully dormant Kejara demerit system.

Before the Automated Enforcement System (AES) could even be implemented – that would have ensured the points could automatically be deducted – the system itself was prematurely suspended.

The Road Transport Department said last December that the AES would be revived in January. Well, we are already in March now.

And in the best Malaysian tradition of “announce first, then call for review and then scrap it”, which our Malaysian leaders are well known for, this one is also going for a record – the Kejara demerit system was introduced in 1984 and 30 years later, we are still at the kami sedang mengkaji (we are still studying) stage.

Offence No 8: According to statistics, traffic fines paid by motorists in Malaysia come up to RM10mil every year! That’s amazing. That’s almost the gross domestic product (GDP) of some African nation! Malaysia Memang Boleh.

The RM10mil does not even include the “So, macam mana selesai? (So, how do we settle?)” penalties involving crooked traffic cops.

Bernama reported that according to the Kuala Lumpur Police, 22,054 traffic summonses were issued between January and September of 2012. A total of 33,836 traffic summonses were issued in 2010, amounting to RM10.5mil! We are really a “fine” country!

Offence No 9: No wonder all the betting shops are doing well. It has become almost an automatic reaction that the minute we see an accident, all of us whip out our cameraphones – the first picture goes to Instagram and Facebook, a video that must go viral if the motorists are fighting each other. If it’s of different races, better still, it’s got a racial twist, even if the feuding motorists don’t think that way. And for the uncle: Oi, Ah Boy, you saw the number plate of the car or not? Sure you got the right number, ah? Okay, call Robert fast. Place the bets! Yes, big and small!

Offence No 10: And finally, on behalf of the confused and dangerous Malaysian motorists, we wish to extend our deepest appreciation to Polis DiRaja Malaysia for continuously understanding all of us, despite our many traffic offences.

We will continue not to pay our traffic summons until the yearly discounts are given, as PDRM has continuously done so year in and year out.

We are proud that this is the only country in the world where discounts and rewards are given for late payment of traffic summonses.

Please do not let the jealous foreigners and international media stop you from conducting this yearly discount scheme. Yes, we will continue scheming … oops, we mean we will continue supporting this discount scheme.

Salam 1Malaysia!