AHEAD of Jan 1, like millions of people around the world, I try to draft an annual list of New Year resolutions.
It’s really a futile annual ritual because the resolutions always remain unfulfilled, much like the empty pledges made by politicians.
Despite that, I have attempted to draw up a list, fuelled by some naive optimism and delusional belief in myself, mostly.
Top on the list is to radically give up all forms of carbohydrates.
By that, I mean no more nasi lemak, chicken rice, nasi kandar, clay pot chicken rice, mee tarik, mee goreng mamak, Hokkien mee, and all the sinful but delicious food that’s only available in heavenly Malaysia.
Even as I write this, I already know it is a doomed resolution. Me give up nasi kandar? Not likely.
Making New Year resolutions can be a really a futile annual ritual because the resolutions always remain unfulfilled, much like the empty pledges made by politicians, says the writer. — 123rf
But the doctor says I should. After my last blood test, he confirmed that I am no longer a borderline diabetic. I am in the danger zone now. I should have known better than to take the test during durian season. The doctor said I am now classified as a Type II diabetes case.
Of course, I disputed the results. I told him that as far as I know, I am just Type C, according to social media comments.
Until a few months back, I didn’t know Type C is how Malaysians of Chinese ethnicity are cynically referred to.
The doctor insisted that I may have confused Type II with Type B. There is no such thing as Type C in diabetes.
“Are you now saying that I am Type B? The Chinese who are bananas? Yellow on the outside and white on the inside and can’t speak Chinese?” I asked.
By then, my doctor was even more confused than I was. He looked like he needed psychiatric attention. I am lost too. I am not sure which is worse – Type C or Type B.
Since we were on the subject of diet, the doctor then told me I should stay away from wine.
I nearly had a bout of fits. This was blasphemy.
“Sir, you have crossed the red line. This is 3R!” I said, referring to the race, religion, and royalty issues that are forbidden topics in Malaysian public circles.
I had to remind the doctor that Jesus turned water into wine and this was recorded in the Bible.
The shaken man apologised profusely, including promising to remove his advice against drinking sugar-saturated wine from all his social media postings.
Yes, resolution No.1 is set to fail by 12.01am on Jan 1.
Now for resolution No.2. I need to exercise more. I should run around the neighbourhood more.
The doctor reminded me that walking around with my dogs and stopping to gossip with the aunties does not count.
“This is the 10th year that you have made this resolution and failed. I am worried about you. Start running and sweating,” he told me sternly.
I took a quick look at his waistline. He surely wasn’t practicing what he was preaching.
I now suspect that he is a retired politician. Probably a failed one who lost his deposit in an election.
You know, the type who, after losing power, says the community is in danger of losing its power. And they do it while surrounded by those who had toppled them from power in the first place.
Yes, it’s all the fault of the Type B and Type C, as usual.
Never mind, I think I’m confused again. That was not my doctor, but another one, who is much older.
I am already dizzy even before I start running. For sure, I have to re-look resolution No.2, too.
I will remain loyal and faithful to my couch. We have gone through thick and thin together.
Resolution No.3: I have to issue a warning to my senior citizen friends to stop sending me daily “good morning” messages as they are clogging up my handphone memory.
I can’t be spending my whole day deleting these messages. The wife has long accused me of “playing with your phone” the entire day instead of doing “productive work”.
And please, stop forwarding me fake political news as well.
It’s not true that retired soldiers are getting free durian land lots in Raub, Pahang. That’s insane. The land is too expensive to be given to old fart retirees, even if they are ex-servicemen!
The doctor also advised me that my blood pressure reading is good but “no need to be concerned with politics lah. No need to read all that news lah, there is nothing you can do about it.”
He’s right. Before the polls, politicians vow to be “prihatin” (concerned) and “membela nasib rakyat” (defend the plight of the people”) but afterwards, many of those promises disappear into thin air.
Poof! Just like that! You’d almost think Malaysian politicians have magical powers.
I promised the good doctor that I would read only the sports pages. But that was doomed just as quickly. Sports reporters have turned into political and crime reporters.
I guess they cannot compete with live TV broadcasts and have to look elsewhere.
The sports news is all about allegations in poison pen letters, financial discrepancies, and jostling for positions in sports bodies. Jeez!
My blood pressure shot up reading about these political wannabes in sports associations.
That’s it. I would rather stick to real scheming politicians. And there goes another resolution down the drain.
I really shouldn’t have bothered. It’s not even New Year’s Eve and my resolutions are set to become socially acceptable procrastination.
I will just stick to three resolutions which are set to fail, and continue life, as before, with my fellow Type M – for Malaysians and Moderates – and not let resolutions or toxic political and religious figures affect our national unity and sanity.
Happy New Year to all Malaysians, especially my faithful readers.
