A Filipino Navy boat patrolling waters off the coast of Sulu province in the Philippines, a day after the abduction of a Chinese tourist and a Filipino resort worker in Semporna, Sabah. – EPA

The abduction of a Chinese national in the pristine Singamata Reef Resort, off Semporna, Sabah, couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Malaysia.

IT couldn’t have happened at a worse time. While Malaysia grapples with the delicate task of trying to defuse the anger of China nationals over MH370, another incident throws all efforts to the wind – the abduction of a Chinese national in the pristine Singamata Reef Resort, off Semporna, Sabah.

The abduction by the notorious Abu Sayyaf group has already generated a fresh round of bad publicity. Talk is that Malaysia is not able to protect the safety of tourists.

Certainly, this will be hot news in China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. And it was barely five months ago that the same group shot dead a Taiwanese man and kidnapped his wife from Pom Pom Island, also in the same vicinity.

Following that attack, the Taiwanese media descended on Malaysia. The Eastern Sabah Security Command (Esscom), which is responsible for security in the area, came under heavy criticism.

The woman was rescued after 36 days and an official from Esscom said then that “the incident would not be repeated and that the security forces would work hard to ensure the Esszon (Eastern Sabah Security Zone) is safe”. The official also called on resort operators to cooperate fully with the security forces.

Well, the reality is that the group has struck again, and so soon after the previous incident. We’d better not hear our Malaysian officials say it won’t happen again.

And it was in February and March 2013 that a massive breach of security happened in Lahad Datu when 235 Sulu militants from the Philippines stormed into the village of Tanduo. The trial of 30 people involved in the incident is currently in progress in Kota Kinabalu.

These incidents show how vulnerable the area is, and how difficult it is for our security forces to protect the many resorts there that are highly popular with foreign tourists.

In some parts of Sabah, the Philippines is so near that their people can row their boats to Malaysia just for a game of football before heading home. This is not a joke, and urban folks in the Klang Valley probably cannot imagine how porous the international boundaries are in this part of the world.

But this writer, together with colleagues in Sabah, has visited some of these seaside villages, where most of the residents are Suluks. On a clear day, you can see parts of the Philippines with your naked eye.

It is clear to those familiar with such abductions that these criminals see such acts as nothing more than a business.

They will keep their victims for weeks, months or longer, depending on how fast or how slow the negotiations take place.

They know that the Malaysian Government would come under severe pressure to ensure the victims are returned safely. They certainly know our weak points.

Since the invasion of Lahad Datu, the Malaysian Government has sought to strengthen security through the formation of the Esscom, which covers 10 districts – Kudat, Kota Marudu, Pitas, Beluran, Sandakan, Kinabatangan, Lahad Datu, Kunak, Semporna and Tawau.

It’s obvious that all that has been done isn’t enough. Another security breach has taken place and all the promises to improve the security loopholes have failed.

The resorts need to do their part and help out our security forces. There have been complaints that some Western divers, who also run these resorts, do not want our security men around because they feel their presence would drive away tourists.

If that is the case, these operators should hire well-trained armed security men to protect the resorts. It should be a requirement. If they don’t, the bill should be sent to them. Yes, it costs a lot to carry out rescue operations.

The safety of tourists should be paramount. These island resorts may be secluded but in the Internet era, any news – good or bad – will spread swiftly over social media. News of the abduction, and how the safety of tourists has been compromised, would have gone viral by now, causing much damage to Malaysia’s reputation as a tourism hub.

The huge sums of money spent to promote Malaysia as a tourist destination would be wasted if we do not dedicate the same resources to ensure safety.

Tourists must be assured that they can travel and have a great holiday in our country without any fear.

We have maintained a fairly good reputation because the touts, hustlers and peddlers normally associated with tourism joints stay away. There are also no strip joints where customers are literally stripped of their money or have hefty bills presented to them by nasty-looking men.

True, there have been reports of snatch thieves and pickpockets targeting tourists but this is not unique to Malaysia. This writer experienced the same thing even in the Holy Land. The harsh reality is that not everyone is holy, even in the Holy Land.

The abduction of the China national has reminded us of the need for heavier army and police presence in Semporna and the surrounding areas.

These are world-class resorts and the presence of our security men would help show the world that we are serious in protecting them.

They must be seen on land and in the surrounding waters. It is an investment that will go a long way in sending the right message to the world even as we pray for the safe rescue of the kidnap victims.

A family member of missing relative on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 from China breaks down as she speaks to the media at Kuala Lumpur International Airport, Sepang, Selangor, Malaysia 19 March 2014. -EPA

Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done in the search for MH370 up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate.

THERE is a lot of anger and frustration out there, and understandably so. After three weeks, and despite the announcement that MH370 is deemed to have crashed in the remote southern Indian Ocean, there is still no closure in sight.

As we watch the images on our TV screens, and even via our smartphones, we can see that the search is intense and professional. After all, more than 26 countries are currently involved.

One recent TV broadcast commented that one of the reasons why so many countries are willing to chip in is that Malaysia is deemed to be a “friendly country” with friends who will always come forward to help.

The reality is that a full array of expertise and technology is currently being harnessed in the search for the plane.

But at the people level, emotions continue to run high. Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate. And when emotion gets in the way of reason, unpleasant scenes are bound to arise.

Personally, I have had enough of the persistent attacks on Malaysia as a country, and Malaysians as a collective whole. And I think all reasonable and rational Malaysians should speak up when abuses, verbal or otherwise, are hurled at our country.

We are not talking about criticisms against national leaders who have to take them in their stride. This is part of their job, after all, and I think it is also fair to point out the inadequacies of our frontline people when they fall short.

But why should ordinary Malaysians take the heat – for no reason whatsoever – over the disappearance of MH370?

Take, for example, the endless barrage of threats and emotionally-charged accusations coming from the country with the most number of passengers on board.

First of all, they have every right to be angry. And they can throw tantrums if that will make them feel better.

At times like this, the least we can do is to try and understand their anger and frustration.

But what I cannot understand is why is the situation being defined strictly as “us against them”?

Let’s not forget that there are 50 Malaysians among the passengers and crew. And the fact that this is a Malaysian Airlines plane puts us at the very pinnacle of the responsibility chain.

Malaysians grieving just as much

There are Malaysians who are grieving just as much because they have lost their friends and relatives. And as far as numbers go, we must also not forget that many Malaysians are now currently involved in one responsibility or another in taking care of the families of those affected by the tragedy.

Some faces have become so familiar over the past few weeks that they have practically become like family to us. And we are not talking only about the images of the victims plastered all over the newspapers.

This is not an aviation mystery that involves just one country. To be precise, those on board MH370 come from 14 countries.

But Malaysians are at the forefront to answer the queries, and many more are working in the background. All the daily abuses being hurled at our officials, who are already doing their best, are not going to help bring the plane back.

It is insane to suggest that the Malaysian government is, or Malaysians in general are, guilty of murder. This is when emotions have truly gone haywire.

And the condemnation of Malaysia Airlines has gone overboard. Point out the airline’s shortcomings in this present crisis, by all means, but one surely cannot be hysterical about the airline’s historical record.

There is only one blot on MAS’ flying record, but that happened in 1977.

And running down MAS in itself does not mean every other flight of every other airline is guaranteed safe. People will continue to fly, on MAS and other airways, despite the ongoing crisis.

Yes, we could have handled things better. We could have done a better job of crisis management in the early stage.

Yes, we slacked, but that’s simply because we have never had to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, whether natural or man-made.

Our leaders and officials have never been tested under such severe circumstances before. They’ve never had to face the international press up close and personal.

These are the people who not only ask tough questions but also some silly ones as well, like the reporter who asked our Acting Transport Minister if he is a cousin of the Prime Minister.

But we have to admit that our frontline people have learnt much along the way.

Conspiracy theories don’t help

The other matter that bothers me a lot is the accusation that we Malaysians are hiding information. That is something we regularly hear from the anguished family members and also the foreign media. But I was shocked that a Malaysian pilot with AirAsia X also made the same accusation on Facebook.

Seriously, Tan Sri Tony Fernandes, can you please give him your famous line, “You are fired!”

Whatever one may say about the disclosure of information, I must say that Acting Transport Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein has performed well.

He has handled all the questions posed, including even the personal one, professionally and in good English, which is something to be expected of a UK-trained lawyer.

I am glad that some of the uniformed personnel who appeared in the earlier media briefings have slipped into the background. Their poor command of English was certainly an unnecessary obstacle as we faced the world.

Much of the anger can also be attributed to the endless conspiracy theories flying all over cyberspace.

Not only are they false, but they also create unnecessary anger among those who may not fully know and understand the Malaysian environment.

Linking the pilot to the opposition and postulating the theory that he hijacked and crashed the plane is surely laughable, but the story did gain traction when even the print media picked it up.

It appears to me that the angry voices, even a minority, take on a life of their own because Malaysia is just a tiny country in the grand scheme of things.

That’s why it makes me a little sore because there’s such a thing called national integrity.

I believe many of us can no longer stand Malaysia and Malaysians being kicked around by these whimsical and loud protesters.

The search for physical evidence of MH370 is going on yet Malaysia is still being accused of doing a crappy job in the search and rescue operations.

As we can see for ourselves, there are 26 countries involved and, frankly, every country is eager to be the first to find something. As one analyst put it, each country is anxious to show off its “bragging” rights.

We need to be patient because every wrong announcement even from the right authorities will not help.

We may want to depend on the armchair analysts, including failed journalists, for quick information and analysis but these people are accountable to no one.

It is really tough because we are in a “damn if you do and damn if you don’t” scenario.

Our leaders get fired for holding press conferences that reveal little and they also get fired for not holding any press conference if they don’t have anything to share. For good measure, they end up being accused of hiding something.

In for the long haul

But the reality is that this is going to be a long haul.

Malaysia owes it to the families of those on board MH370 to search for the answers, no matter how long it takes.

The emotional outbursts are understandable. To lose an only child is surely painful, which explains why some nationality is taking it worse than others.

But the cursing, abusing and condemnation are not helping a bit.

Hurling empty water bottles at those trying their best to assist won’t bring back our loved ones.

Worse, demanding that our official kneel down and apologise is unbelievable.

Malaysians are decent, tolerant, forgiving and God-fearing people.

We may not be as efficient and competent to the level that others demand of us, but we all know what we have to do – and that includes providing answers to the families of many Malaysians on board MH370 as well.

Since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370, many people have become aviation and crisis management ‘experts’ overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

IT has been two weeks since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370 and there is still no real clue although there is plenty of speculation. There are many theories being bandied about but no one has the answers.

But many people – Malaysians and other nationalities too, as well as members of the press – have become aviation and crisis manage­ment “experts” overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

Here’s my roll call for the top 10 confusing stories that have emerged out of MH370.

Confusion No.1: The prize has to go to PAS politician Mahfuz Omar who declared that his fellow Pakatan Rakyat mates were ready to replace all 239 passengers and crew members on board as hostages if the plane was indeed hijacked. He really must have a great sense of humour.

At a glance, you would have thought he is terribly heroic but he quickly qualified himself by saying, in a rather outrageous way, that “if the plane was hijacked, there would have been negotiations by now”.

In simple language, he does not think the plane was hijacked. But if it wasn’t, then why was he talking about a hostage swap? Duh! Hello! Why do you even bother to make the declaration in the first place except to get some cheap publicity? We will be glad to send you some business tickets so you can be nearer to those in the cockpit.

And his Pakatan Rakyat mates have cleverly chosen to remain silent, obviously thinking to themselves that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to pack him off, alone, to save everyone the embarrassment.

Confusion No.2: The blonde French reporter who asked Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein to confirm that he is a cousin of the Prime Minister must have thought that she had cornered, trapped and exposed the Acting Transport Minister into having to admit the biggest scandal of all time! That the PM and Hishammuddin are close relatives! What a scoop!

We really do not know what she was thinking, if she was thinking in the first place, and really, what was in her head? But let’s forgive her. It must be jetlag from the long hours of flying. She may have missed her croissants but we can assure her that croissants are available in Malaysia. Delifrance, by the way, isn’t owned by Malaysians but by Singaporeans, so don’t blame us, again, if you find them not French enough.

Confusion No.3: The Daily Mail, known for its sensational journalism, claimed that Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah is a fanatical supporter of Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, implying that he had hijacked the plane for political reasons.

Now that’s really low. It’s a joke, but it’s not funny. Zaharie may have his political beliefs, which he is entitled to in a democracy, but that doesn’t make him a political kamikaze pilot. What if another person, well trained in aviation, had taken control of the cockpit? Has that thought ever occurred to The Daily Mail?

The Daily Mail report was enough to trigger an attack against the Malaysian Government for purportedly politicising the MH370 story! The Malaysian press was walloped for pointing out what The Daily Mail had done. Anwar appeared on CNN to join in the verbal riot – without pointing out that it started with this silly tabloid.

The reality is that from day one, the government, media and those who visited Zaharie’s open FB account had read and seen pictures of his involvement in PKR. It was never brought out because his political leanings are of no consequence, and we have to be respectful to a man in such a situation.

But I guess the critics are the same people who enjoy pouncing on the government for everything, including the continuing slide of Manchester United.

Ya lah, ini semua hal gomen, MU kalah lagi. Ini pasai PM sokong MU. Macam mana ni? Kalah lagi.

Confusion No.4: Malaysia is by now the most well-known country in the world. There is no way that Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin can go to their offices each morning without giving a thought to Malaysia. That’s a real morbid thought, unfortunately.

But some section of the international media, probably some researchers back at their base stations, are still struggling to ­figure out where Malaysia is.

CNN put Kuala Lumpur as a city in Indonesia on one occasion, and another TV station placed KL and the whole of the peninsula in Sabah and Sarawak. One TV station confused Melaka with Mecca, as its commentators lectured Malaysians for their incompetence.

Confusion No.5: The bomoh aka Raja Bomoh Sedunia Nujum VIP continues to be confused. By now he is known as a shaman, a medicine man, a rain maker or a snake oil salesman, and maybe a crocodile meat (and other parts) seller, too, after he threatened to slap Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin (KJ) “like a crocodile” for condemning his magic carpet ritual at KLIA.

Besides making Malaysia an international laughing stock, this bomoh has single-handedly created the biggest side show in modern aviation history and taken medical tourism to a new level.

He also made history in a single day by making “bomoh” one of the most Googled words. Malaysia Boleh, Raja Bomoh!

As a follow-up, a news portal reported that the urban dictionary defines a crocodile slap or “alligator slap” as “the act of slapping someone in the face with one’s penis”.

Now, this one has made many of us terribly confused! Is this Raja Bomoh Sedunia looking for some dried penis from a dead crocodile – in the cynical words of KJ in his tweet, kokedai – as part of the slapping ritual? KJ, as a politician, may be used to seeing crocodile tears being shed around him but he should not take this “crocodile slap” threat lightly. Just a penny for a thought.

Confusion No.6: Celebrity chef Datuk Redzuawan Ismail or Chef Wan would have realised by now that it is a tough act to come up with a good sequel. His earlier tweet that MAS had served “a very naked” nasi lemak with just a half-boiled egg and sambal (chilly paste) without the standard anchovies and peanuts generated much attention. But this time, he has been caught with his pants down.

A picture of himself, on his Instagram account, holding a door-like object which he linked to the search operation that is now focused on the southern Indian Ocean, has gone down badly with the public.

He had written: “2 objek di Perth dan satu ni I ingat kan ya ia sebahagian dari pintu kapal terbang MAS (two objects in Perth and this one I thought was part of the door of the MAS aircraft.

“Tapi setelah diteliti rupanya ianya sebahagian dari Pintu Jamban Rumah Cik Kiah di pantai Morib yang telah using rupanya. Adoi frustnya.

(But after inspection, it was actually part of Cik Kiah’s rundown toilet door at Morib beach. It’s really frustrating.)”

Chef Wan must have felt the heat and smoke from the kitchen. He must have smelt it – the burning smell – and even if he had been caught naked, he quickly put out the fire – he deleted his posting! Well, the lesson to learn is to be careful of what you are cooking.

Confusion No.7: It was a good read, that’s about it – pilgrim Raja Dalelah Raja Latife claiming she spotted a wreckage on the same day MH370 went missing. As the news report stated, pilots rubbished her claim.

But this determined lady lodged a police report and pointed out that she had just returned from the holy land, and that no one can accuse her of lying.

No one is accusing her of anything but many are doubtful. Thank you for the tip-off as all information is important. And thank you for taking the trouble to lodge a police report and alerting the media. You are a fine citizen for sure.

But unless one has bionic eyes or, in the case of the bomoh, uses bamboo binoculars with special Malaysian powers enhanced by Tongkat Ali and Power Roots, it is hard to look down and spot things from a 35,000ft altitude.

Poor lady, she must have been tired, like the French reporter, from all the travelling. She probably misses her nasi lemak, just as the French reporter misses her croissant.

Confusion No.8: By now, everyone is aware that Malaysian leaders are getting most of the rap for failing to come up with solid information. The confusion, in the initial stage, and how the whole thing has been managed have, of course, made us look bad.

But it is terribly unfair to accuse us of holding back, even hiding, information when there is nothing to offer in the first place. We have seen how horrendous it can be to share bits of information that turn out to be nothing.

The Chinese have found that out and now Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has, too. He called up the Malaysian and Chinese leaders to share the information that satellites had picked up images of two huge objects floating in the sea.

He excitedly told his Parliament, and the world thought this was the “most credible lead” so far, but it doesn’t look like “this is it” any more.

The poor guy has now seen himself going literally down under after the initial spotlight. Despite his many cautionary remarks that the images had not been verified, that has not stopped the barrage of criticisms from being hurled at him.

We believe, from satellite images picked up, that Abbott is now watching on YouTube clips of containers on vessels flying off in rough seas.

Confusion No.9: I know that many Malaysians believe in dreams. Sometimes they get confused, thinking that some Supreme Being is sending Whatsapp messages to their heads while they are sleeping.

So many of us in the media, including this writer, have been receiving messages, SMS, emails and phone calls from people who claim they have the exact GPS coordinates to locate the missing plane.

One said it is somewhere in Madagascar and another said it’s on top of Mount Everest.

One warned that if we did not deliver the images which had been transmitted to her head, she would report our incompetence to the PM and his cousin, Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

Call from aunty-sounding reader: “You don’t try to be funny, I can see you are laughing (note: I am actually covering my mouth but yes, she is right. I am laughing, in a technical sense, so maybe she can see things!) but I had a dream last night, the plane was flying over a mountain top, maybe it’s Mount Everest and maybe it’s in Kilimanjaro in Africa. I am not sure. But tell the leaders, quick!

“I could see the passengers and crew members in my dream. The images came to me like a radar or whatever you call it. “

Another sent me a YouTube posting of a religious leader predicting a Malaysian plane would go missing and said I should bring it up to the authorities too.

Thank you for sharing but we haven’t had time to check when he made the prediction.

I like Malaysians for their dreams. Who can blame us, the confused Malaysians, as our dreams do come true sometimes. Dreams have helped us to make up numbers for our Empat Ekor bets, and we actually strike and make money! Only in Malaysia lah, dreams do come true!

Confusion No.10: The media, again. By now, everyone is really exhausted. Not just tired, but flat out. Some foreign reporters are working during the early hours of 3am or 4am, according to their time zones.

Local reporters are too tired to sleep, sending out text messages to each other in the dead of the night, only to be up again at 6am to be on their job.

Last week, two foreign photographers snapped at each other. Editors and reporters are struggling to file stories with new angles in the absence of solid information.

Their families and loved ones are getting upset but that is nothing compared with the suffering and mental torture of the families of the missing passengers and crew members.

In the case of the media, it looks like we have come to a stage where “today’s news is there is no news”, as one foreign newscaster covering the crisis from KL said on air.

It is a horrible situation in many ways. The lack of credible leads and information has sparked off anger but as long as the plane is not found, it means there is hope.

It’s an emotional roller-coaster ride but we must pray for MH370, no matter what.

Indonesian Air Force flight crew listen during a briefing at the Medan city military airbase on March 13, 2014 after conducting an aerial search over Malacca Strait.

We seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

THE 10 most ridiculous rumours circulating about the MH370 incident, especially on the Internet (it is not just Facebook but also many blogs, chats, etc), reveal the state of utter confusion among Malaysian netizens.

We complain a lot and say we feel embarrassed when the Malaysian frontliners give conflicting statements. But at the same time, we seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

Confusion No.1: The missing MH370 landed in Nanning, China. They are all safe. The pilot, one Captain Sufian Suan, has called up and confirmed that all the passengers are safe and sound. No one seems to ask why no one has called up the authorities in Nanning to verify. Nanning, after all, is a major Chinese city and it is not every day that a plane flies in unannounced. But everyone on Facebook claimed that was the truth. And their friends, and friends of friends, and their many FB friends have all confirmed.

Ah Boy, listen to Ma, it’s the truth, okay? I already double confirmed. It’s all over Facebook, didn’t you read? Thank God, they are safe. I don’t understand why the Government still never announce, always so slow.

Confusion No.2: The prize has got to go to the three bomohs who came in their suits and ties. They even had a purported magic carpet. They reminded most Malaysians of the P. Ramlee movie Laksamana Do Re Mi, a 1972 Malaysian comedy featuring P. Ramlee, A.R. Tompel and Ibrahim Din reprising their roles as Do, Re and Mi respectively.

May I have the envelope, please? The top award has to go to this Bomoh Trio for bringing international disrepute, scorn and embarrassment to all Malaysians. Seriously, they need to have their heads examined, and to seek treatment.

One was holding two coconuts, maybe to symbolise some kind of radar or tracking device, and one was using his walking stick as a paddle. The middle one held a basket. This has to be a classic basket case, you may say.

The carpet, we guess, was to represent a boat. Thanks, guys, you have done a superb job in bringing Malaysia to the world and giving medical tourism a whole new meaning. If a magic carpet can fly, so can all Malaysians.

Strange as it may sound, even Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor (JAIS) has been praised by its usual critics after the department issued a warning to the Bomoh Trio that they might be arrested!

But the Bomoh Trio does have company. A video has appeared on FB showing a Taoist priest from Klang in a trance and, while drinking liquor, is making his prediction on the plane! It proves the point that there are enough idiots of all races and religions in Malaysia.

Confusion No.3: The plane has vanished into an isolated place in Russia. Come on, this has to come from someone who has regularly failed his geography exam since primary school. The fact that many Malaysians actually believe and shared it on FB proved my theory that Malaysians are really bad at Geography. During my student days, the subject was called Ilmu Alam and now, with all the strange theories about MH370, many are really lost in some alam.

Hello, the plane vanished after two hours. If it cannot even reach Beijing, how can it reach Russia? If it has entered Russia illegally, do we actually think that President Vladimir Putin will do nothing, even if he has his hands full on Ukraine and Crimea?

Confusion No.4: Actually, the Malaysian authorities know where the plane is – it has clearly been hijacked but they cannot tell us anything because negotiations are in progress for the right ransom.

This one has to come from a very confused FB account holder. Obviously, he has many more confused FB friends. Most of these really imaginative, stoned or really blurred people must have just watched Liam Neeson’s recent movie about a hijacked plane.

I am glad that there is no representative from a media specialising in such theories or he would have posed this question at the daily media briefing.

Confusion No.5: It’s proven – Malaysians are pretty bad with Mathematics. No surprise that we rank pretty low on the international scale. Look, we cannot even get it right – two fake passports or four? DCA says five passengers didn’t show up, the IGP says only one, and MAS then said actually four did not show up.

Immigration says the Iranians used Austrian and Italian passports to enter Malaysia but Interpol says the two Iranians entered Malaysia on Iranian passports before switching to the Austrian and Italian passports to leave KLIA. By now, everyone is thoroughly confused.

Confusion No.6: The media is also one confused lot amid their eagerness to file the fastest news report. A reference to footballer Mario Balotelli – as an illustration to show that an African man with an Italian name may not be white – was wrongly interpreted by reporters, who misquoted the DCA official as saying that the man using a fake passport was black.

As this statement contradicted the Home Minister who had assumed the fake passport holders to be Asian, the barrage of criticism went viral on FB. One newspaper got it wrong too and put the news on page one. Its online link was shared on FB. Until today, it remains a fact even though the poor DCA chap was misquoted.

Confusion No.7: The most distasteful claim has to come from the Australian blonde. It is truly shameful. She has accused the First Officer of MH370, in another flight back in 2011, of letting her sit in the cockpit during take-off and landing. But it’s essentially a one-sided story and the officer may never have a chance to rebut or defend himself. We should show respect to his family. This is utterly disgusting. Instead of showing sympathy, many have added more fuel to the claim by insisting the accusations were “confirmed”. How? By just a mere picture of the pilots with the blondes?

Confusion No.8: Families of the passengers coming in from China on a MAS flight ended up in India instead of Kuala Lumpur. The cri­tics, including some journalists who do not think, did not even bother to verify the story. They will believe anything that gives them a chance to run down and wallop the authorities.

But hey, how can that possibly happen? Chinese passengers entering a plane loaded with Indians? How do they find their seats and how could they be on board?

One Singaporean youth news portal actual­ly got hoodwinked into believing the news and uploaded it on their portal as a fact!

But many Malaysians are too lazy and confused to check, preferring to believe most things they read on the Internet.

Confusion No.9: The one who has to politicise everything. Even the MH370 incident has to tie up with politics and the leadership. One constant armchair critic, who declares himself an independent but appears in many functions organised by a certain political party, said the ruling government has to go, as in replaced, in the next general election.

Another politician is upset that foreign intrusion is allowed to take place in Malaysia because foreign ships and aircraft are allowed to take part in the search and rescue operation. But there are enough confused people who believe him. Really, they need help.

Confusion No.10: If there is any top prize for the most ridiculous theory, it has to be for those who think aliens are at work. It’s either some kind of abduction by foreign beings or some disappearance into some black hole, like what one sees in a Twilight Zone movie. Seriously, planes do vanish, perhaps not in modern aviation times, but it has happened before.

In one case, a plane flying between Buenos Aires and Santiago just disappeared without a trace – and the debris was found 60 years later, on a snow-covered mountain top. Just Google, as we say.

But decent Malaysians only have one thing on their minds – to pray for the well-being of the passengers and their families. We must pray for them but we can do with the disappearance of those who post comments, false news and doctored pictures on FB without thinking. Not to forget some of our silly politicians too.

How well do we really know our foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning?

SO it’s now official – Malaysia has a population of 30 million people. I guess this will include a lot of foreigners who are now an integral part of Malaysian life.

How well do we really know these foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning? Are they just aliens to us?

Here’s a list of nine facts that we hope will clear the warped minds of many ignorant and confused Malaysians.

Fact No.1: The most famous alien of the week has to be Ultraman. He may be a superhero of possibly Japanese ethnic origin but, hey, he is still a foreigner, okay? With his tight, dodgy rubber suit, it would not have been possible for him to carry his documents around in Malaysia – and that would have been an offence!

He has fought Godzilla and a host of other monsters but he has met his Waterloo – he got floored, walloped and beaten by a Google Translate-minded translator. Ultraman is always on the side of law and order but to be equated as Allah and Elder would have blown him off!

An ignorant translator, a publisher with no permit and a fake address, and a really sharp-eyed censorship official – that would have been simply new to Ultraman. There are more surprises for him – there are also ultra right-wingers in Malaysia whom we would love him to meet.

And, of course, some of our officials are ultra-sensitive these days, preferring to use the sledgehammer approach in the execution of their duties. But we hope they won’t exercise their duties beyond their powers or, as the legal term which is often used, ultra vires. Not ultra virus.

But the worst of all is this ultra-silly translator who has literally carried out an ulta job – which in our local lingo is a lousy job!

All these may be alien to Malaysians and even to our illegal immigrants but, hey, this is Malaysia, okay? We love to laugh at ourselves; we love to be in the international news, even for the wrong reasons. Don’t try to alienate us, okay?

Fact No.2: Yes, many Bangladeshi men walk around Pudu and Bukit Bintang holding hands. I know you are shocked. Come on, confess. I know you think they have a certain sexual orientation. Okay, let’s blurt it out – you think they are homosexuals, right? A real man doesn’t hold another man’s hand, you think.

But the fact is that in Bangladesh and some southern Asian countries, holding hands, especially between men, is a sign of close friendship and brotherhood. It’s simply as innocent as that, you ignorant fool.

And your perverted, twisted and prejudiced Malaysian mind thought that besides cricket, our Bangladeshi friends have other fanatical passion – like holding hands. Hands up, those who want to confess!

Fact No.3: Not all Nigerians are conmen who cheat innocent Malaysian women into thinking that they are white Britons who live in big countryside homes. Not all Nigerians attempt to cheat you into sending them money by claiming they are corrupt generals. Not all Nigerians dupe you into making more money appear from nowhere.

Not all Nigerians who live in the Mentari housing estate in Bandar Sunway get drunk, party till morning and make a nuisance of themselves.

There are many God-fearing and God-­loving Nigerians living among us. If you keep bumping into a Nigerian, it’s simply because Nigeria is the biggest country in Africa. It’s many times bigger than Malaysia. So you didn’t know and you thought Nigeria is just a pimple of a country. Shame on you for thinking that we are bigger than the universe because of your super Malaysia Boleh ego.

Fact No.4: Iranians are now the largest group among the Malaysia My Second Home participants. There are more than 70,000 Iranians studying, working or waiting for visas in this country. It isn’t true that all Iranians are Ayatollahs with beards, wearing turbans and flowing robes. In fact, they are coming into Malaysia in huge numbers because they like our easy-going multi-ethnic country.

According to a news report, many clubs in Kuala Lumpur now dedicate a day each week as “Iranian Night” featuring Iranian deejays and music.

Put simply, they love to party without fear of getting whipped by the moral police – and yet some of us want to turn Malaysia into something like Iran!

And, of course, by now we have learned that not all Iranians are angels and God-fearing, despite coming from a religiously puritanical country, after the arrest of many Iranian drug traffickers in Malaysia.

Okay, here’s the lesson you need to learn – Iranians are not Arabs. They are Persians and, in fact, they can’t stand the Arabs. Iranians are mostly Shi’ites while Arabs are predominantly Sunnis.

Aiyo, really Ah Boy, I am now really confused. All this while, I thought Iranians are Arabs. They all smoke shisha and eat the same food, what? All Muslims what, got difference meh? This is crazy lah, Ah Boy, so many foreigners in KL now.

Fact No.5: Not all Nepalese are Gurkhas. Gurkhas are the tough guys who served as soldiers in the Nepalese, British and Indian army, according to a report. They are the equivalent of Rambo, you may say.

It has nothing to do with the skinny and bored security guards at your apartment reception or the guardhouse.

The only thing in common between the skinny guard and the macho looking ex-army man is that they are both Nepalese. They eat the same food and probably enjoy watching the same Hindi movies. That’s where it ends.

And I am not sure Nepalese men are really that tough. Come on, I haven’t come across any Nepalese doing construction work, have you?

Ah Boy, I already told you. I will say it again, okay? So many of these security guards are so skinny, they cannot even take care of themselves. I am really worried each time I walk to my car. Can the skinny guards fight off the rapist?

Fact No.6: China is a big, big country with over a billion people. Don’t lump everyone together. Not every Chinese woman wants to skip classes in our local colleges, okay? Not every Chinese woman wants to steal the husband of her Malaysian counterpart, okay? Not every Chinese woman is a China doll. Many actually look quite frightening.

Not all Chinamen are rich and wealthy with super connections with the Communist Party of China’s (CCP) political politburo. And, for sure, not every Chinaman is selling fake precious stones in Pudu.

But here’s the fact: more and more mainland Chinese have signed up for the Malaysia My Second Home programme. They are also the biggest foreign investors in Johor’s Iskandar project now.

Yes, the Chinese are coming and many are wealthy! And because we are investor-friendly, realistic Malaysians, we do not care if they are CCP-card carrying members. Who cares? As long as they have money, we welcome them! Huan ying! Huan ying! (welcome in Mandarin).

Fact No.7: It is surely not true that all Vietnamese eat dogs or cats. It is probably propaganda by the US army against the Vietnamese during the 1960s war. The Americans were probably mistaken or intentionally confused when they heard that Vietnamese love eating pho – the delicious flat rice noodles aka koay teow. Pho, as some of us may not know, rhymes with the word “fur”. That’s when the confused American marines, who were already going insane with the fighting or just high on drugs, thought it was these furry animals or men’s best friends that these Vietnamese were eating.

I mean, if you are a country simpleton from the mid-West who cannot tell the difference between Vietnam and India, how would you know the difference between pho and fur? That’s how the myth of the dog-eating Vietnamese probably started.

So if you are living in Klang or Balakong, where there are many Vietnamese, please do not accuse our Vietnamese friends of anything if your dogs don’t come home.

Fact No.8: Not all South Americans are in town to join our football teams or to teach zumba, rumba or salsa in dancing schools.

Many South American crooks have found Malaysians easy targets because some of us cannot imagine that there can be Caucasian-looking criminals. If anyone of them can speak Spanish or, even better, sing like Julio Iglesias, then he has to be a lover, surely not a fighter or a thief.

So more and more South American criminals are making their way into our homes – and stealing our belongings.

The Polis DiRaja Malaysia, when contacted, could not confirm nor deny accusations that Latinos often sing Quanta La Mera – the Spanish words for “in the” – when they are “in the” process of stealing from us.

Fact No.9: You cannot talk about illegal immigrants and foreign workers without talking about crooked policemen. They all seem to go together for some strange reasons. It may sound alien or foreign to you but it’s the truth – unless you are putting on blinkers or living in another planet, which makes you an alien, for sure.

Well, there are enough accusations from many foreigners that they are often picked on by rogue cops who want bribes and even cigarettes if they can’t prove their case.

That’s really horrible if these stories are true as it is simply unacceptable to see foreign workers being bullied. That’s a foreign and alien culture.

We are Malaysians. If they are illegal immigrants, round them up. If they have refugee status, let them be. If they have proper documents, let them work without fear.

But we are sure that not every cop behaves like this. We have read of cops being bashed up or even killed by illegal immigrants.

There are many other real stories of policemen who put their lives at risk to protect us against crooked foreign criminals.

But whatever said and done, these foreigners certainly love Malaysia. They get arrested, deported and, hey, they are back again in Malaysia – until the next operation by the authorities! What a forgiving lot we all are!

Malaysian motorists are very good at multi-tasking.

Malaysian drivers have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

IF you think Malaysian politicians are untrustworthy, unreliable and dangerous, then you haven’t met Malaysian motorists.

Talking to me? Yes! We have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

We are not sure if this is the result of driving schools simply churning out inadequately trained drivers or the authorities dishing out kopi lesen for the right price. But for sure, Malaysian drivers are pretty peculiar, so to speak. Here are 10 offences you must know about us.

Offence No 1: Foreigners – especially the high-income ones who call themselves expatriates to distinguish themselves from the low-paying foreigners – must understand that mamak restaurant owners are the kings of parking lots.

Yes, you read it right. No one can park their vehicle outside their restaurants. It’s only reserved for their tables and stools, especially in the evenings.

So please do not think that because you are an expat, wah, you can complain about Malaysia. Even we Malaysians keep quiet.

Don’t ask why municipal council enforcement officers are not acting. You think they’ve got no work to do, ah? Tearing down “rocket and volcano massage” posters already take up all their time, okay?

Offence No 2: When we drive into a shopping mall, we fight to park near the entrance. That’s because most of us are too lazy to walk. We may insist on the need to exercise daily to keep ourselves fit but when it comes to parking at the mall, it must always be at the spot nearest to the lift! Can’t you just park right in front of the entrance? Ah Boy, we need to walk very far if we park too far.

Not only that. Now, Malaysia is not safe any more. I don’t want to be robbed or raped while walking to the car, okay Ah Boy. These foreign security guards all useless ones, ask them where is the toilet also they don’t know. You trust them, ah, all so skinny ones, how to protect us? Come, come, park near the entrance. Pusing a few rounds lah, if don’t have!

Offence No 3: Malaysia must be the only country in the world where, after spending millions of ringgit to build stretches of beautiful roads, we immediately build humps every few metres away from each other! This is absolutely mind boggling but, hey, this is Malaysia. We do things our way, okay? Why ask so much, jealous of our success in humping, ah? Sorry, I mean, we love humps.

Offence No 4: Malaysian motorists are very good at multi-tasking. We can do many job functions at one time while driving. We can text, SMS or whatsapp while driving or even while riding our bikes. This is already an acceptable thing. No longer a skill, okay?

Of course, yakking away and driving at 20kph, ignoring the honking behind us, is also already an entrenched culture: Itu sudah jadi biasa lah bro, bukan news lagi lah. (That’s already normal, no longer news.)

While on the wheel, some of us play with the baby or pet dog, too. I told you what, Malaysians can do anything one.

Offence No 5: If you have seen how human beings can turn into super heroes in the movies, such Transformer actions also happen in Malaysia. A simple, mild-mannered, friendly and helpful person whom you think you’ve known all your life can turn into a reckless, bad-mouthing road devil once he or she takes control of the wheel.

Seriously, Malaysian drivers can be the subject of a doctoral thesis. Just look at the changing mood of Malaysian drivers when they push the pedal. From honking at the vehicles in front of them for no apparent reason to giving ugly stares as they pass by another motorist, their behaviour is such that no one is safe on the road in Malaysia.

Offence No 6: The red light at traffic junctions is only meant for cars, not for motor bikes. Nope, we are not kidding. Come on, lah macha (brother in Tamil). Where do you find motorcylists stopping at junctions? Who taught you to stop? Your driving instructors, who offered you the “guaranteed pass kopi duit” package, ah?

Stop arguing, okay? Red lights are not for motorcyclists. It’s for Malaysians who can afford to buy cars. Yes, that was an election pledge – if that makes you happy.

Offence No 7: Demerit points? I don’t think any of us have come across any Malaysian who has been penalised for breaking traffic rules and collecting demerit points that could lead to our licences being suspended. Got, meh?

In fact, most of us probably do not even recall the much publicised but fully dormant Kejara demerit system.

Before the Automated Enforcement System (AES) could even be implemented – that would have ensured the points could automatically be deducted – the system itself was prematurely suspended.

The Road Transport Department said last December that the AES would be revived in January. Well, we are already in March now.

And in the best Malaysian tradition of “announce first, then call for review and then scrap it”, which our Malaysian leaders are well known for, this one is also going for a record – the Kejara demerit system was introduced in 1984 and 30 years later, we are still at the kami sedang mengkaji (we are still studying) stage.

Offence No 8: According to statistics, traffic fines paid by motorists in Malaysia come up to RM10mil every year! That’s amazing. That’s almost the gross domestic product (GDP) of some African nation! Malaysia Memang Boleh.

The RM10mil does not even include the “So, macam mana selesai? (So, how do we settle?)” penalties involving crooked traffic cops.

Bernama reported that according to the Kuala Lumpur Police, 22,054 traffic summonses were issued between January and September of 2012. A total of 33,836 traffic summonses were issued in 2010, amounting to RM10.5mil! We are really a “fine” country!

Offence No 9: No wonder all the betting shops are doing well. It has become almost an automatic reaction that the minute we see an accident, all of us whip out our cameraphones – the first picture goes to Instagram and Facebook, a video that must go viral if the motorists are fighting each other. If it’s of different races, better still, it’s got a racial twist, even if the feuding motorists don’t think that way. And for the uncle: Oi, Ah Boy, you saw the number plate of the car or not? Sure you got the right number, ah? Okay, call Robert fast. Place the bets! Yes, big and small!

Offence No 10: And finally, on behalf of the confused and dangerous Malaysian motorists, we wish to extend our deepest appreciation to Polis DiRaja Malaysia for continuously understanding all of us, despite our many traffic offences.

We will continue not to pay our traffic summons until the yearly discounts are given, as PDRM has continuously done so year in and year out.

We are proud that this is the only country in the world where discounts and rewards are given for late payment of traffic summonses.

Please do not let the jealous foreigners and international media stop you from conducting this yearly discount scheme. Yes, we will continue scheming … oops, we mean we will continue supporting this discount scheme.

Salam 1Malaysia!

From left: Khalid Ibrahim, Ibrahim Ali, Syed Ibrahim Syed Noh and Ibrahim Ahmad Badawi

Lately, whether by design, fate or plain coincidence, we have been seeing, reading or hearing about people or issues that involve the name Ibrahim.

THERE is something odd going on lately in Malaysia. For some seriously strange reasons, whether by design, fate or plain coincidence, Malaysians are seeing, reading or hearing about people or issues that involve the name Ibrahim. So let us go through the current hot list.

Anwar Ibrahim: He sure knows how to confuse us. We all thought he wanted to be Prime Minister. Then he said he would retire from politics and take up a teaching career if Pakatan Rakyat failed to capture Putrajaya in the general election.

Well, many of us, being the confused lot that we are, actually believe him, or at least believe in the many things that he has been saying, anyway.

Then, following the decision of the Kajang state assemblyman to vacate the seat, Anwar confused us further by saying he would not be contesting the seat. But he finally announced, after much charade, that he would be contesting after all.

Now, he says that even if he wins the seat, he does not aim to be the Mentri Besar of Selangor. Well, the whole world seems to think otherwise.

He has already confused us enough with his answers on why he is forcing a by-election in Kajang. Until now, no one, including his diehard supporters, can give us a convincing explanation.

Seriously, all of us should really ask him what it is he really wants. This man has to be the master of surprises. No one can beat him at that.

No one can remember him having a liking for football. Horses and jet ski, yes. Suddenly he has donned the colours of the Selangor football team.

If Penang plays against Selangor, we are not sure if he will be wearing anything, given that he is an MP from Penang, which is also a Pakatan-controlled state. That’s pretty confusing.

Well, for sure, he has really given us a few good lessons in politics!

Khalid Ibrahim: This is one sorry Ibrahim. His hair has become more dishevelled lately. He murmurs to himself most of the time and he is doing this even more.

Who can blame him? He has to be careful who he talks to now with his party boss wanting to take over his job. His fellow ADUNs – who all claim they are in politics for the sake of the people – must be having a tough time deciding who they should stand behind now to further their political ambitions.

They have to decide which horse they should back – this mumbling corporate figure or the real political animal, Anwar Ibrahim, who has the magic of getting people to believe what he wants them to believe.

If it’s me, it’s me. If he says it isn’t him, all will nod in agreement, as if under a spell, and repeat that it isn’t him. It’s just a lookalike of me, a body double, a Siamese twin.

Poor Khalid. The only one he can trust is himself. He can only talk to himself.

We all hope he will just hang in there because he is actually a likeable bloke. What you see is what you get from this Ibrahim.

Zaid Ibrahim: Now, this one is tricky. We are just as confused because he has either joined or formed almost every political party in town. And we, being the terribly naïve Malaysians, thought that this sort of thing only happens to Sabahan politicians.

No one is quite sure why he is declaring his candidacy for the Kajang by-election. It can’t be his love for the satay there, for sure. We are not even sure if he knows his way around Kajang or if he even has friends there.

But this Ibrahim can be assured that he will get his 15 minutes of fame every night on prime time TV. Our advice is he should not attempt to sound too philosophical or intellectual during his campaign rounds in Kajang.

That’s because we are already confused. We are not sure if he is seeking the support of Barisan or Pakatan Rakyat supporters. We are not too sure there are enough fence sitters like him. But we are sure he will confuse us during the entire campaign period.

Ibrahim Ali: We can assume that he will be there. He and his gang of merry men never let us down when it comes to providing the comic relief. But he has been saying that he is actually the one who has been delivering the Malay votes for Umno and that without him, Umno would have been in serious trouble.

But the best line from him recently is that there are many troublemakers impersonating Perkasa members! Fuyoh!

Now, that’s interesting! And we, being the confused Malaysians, thought that Malaysian politicians have confused us sufficiently and endlessly but this is the ultimate confusion! Imitation Perkasa members, wow.

Haris Ibrahim: He has been unusually quiet since being initially denied entry into Australia last September. The outspoken activist and lawyer shows up everywhere. He is a permanent fixture in all protests and demonstra­tions. A specialist in this sort of things, we may say. We are not sure if he will add some colour and excitement in Kajang. But he’s definitely another Ibrahim that we can welcome to the Kajang polls, to confuse many of us further.

Syed Ibrahim Syed Noh: He may not be a household name in Malaysia but he would probably get a recognition from the Malaysia Book of Records for being involved in the most number of non-­government organisations. This Ibrahim is involved in every NGO – from Bersih to Gabungan Mansuh ISA to Pemantau to Independent Monitoring Election Commission.

He has served notice that he will be in Kajang in his capacity as chief of the Malaysians for Free and Fair Elections (Mafrel). Are there any hats he is not wearing? Hasn’t he been confused himself before?

We won’t be surprised if he will soon head a Gabungan Cinta Satay Kajang or Stick It Up for Kajang Voters movements.

Rahim Thamby Chik: Well, not quite Ibrahim but close enough. This veteran politician can’t stand the sight of Anwar Ibrahim. Or for that matter anything about Anwar Ibrahim. He is his sworn enemy. Well, Enemy Forever. Not BFF, for sure.

We are not sure whether he will turn up in Kajang with Ummi Hafilda, another sworn enemy of Anwar. She seems to have gone into political oblivion since her marriage to a Pakistani doctor. It seems to be like an extended honeymoon, perhaps to make up for lost time. But we hope to hear from her soon. Looks like she has discovered that there’s more to life than her obsession – Anwar Ibrahim. It’s never too late. All these players hate one another but they can’t stay away from one another either. Isn’t that confusing?

Ibrahim Ahmad Badawi: Brahim LSG Skychef Sdn Bhd, formerly known as MAS Catering, belongs to Datuk Ibrahim Haji Ahmad Badawi, the younger brother of Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. This company has been in the news lately.

Those of us who have been lucky enough to travel on business class on MAS will find the airline’s satay simply irresistible. Having lost the nasi lemak fight, we hope MAS will now redeem its image and go to Kajang for a satay war soon.

No one would have thought that there is such a thing as a “very naked” nasi lemak! Chef Wan Ismail took a picture of the very bare nasi lemak that was served in economy class on the route to Bangkok.

To the horror of this melodramatic chef, he claimed there were no nuts! Chef Wan may seem lembut (soft) at times but no one messes around with his food.

He was terribly pissed off. He whipped out his smart phone and took pictures of the nasi lemak missing the nuts. Err, sorry, I meant groundnuts.

And for Chef Wan, that’s a helluva of a telanjang (naked)! The essential ikan bilis or fried anchovies were not there either.

Well, following a full investigation, just short of a Royal Commission, it was finally revealed that the nuts had to be removed because they had gone stale. Blame the supplier who had gone on Chinese New Year break. Well, someone has to be the scapegoat in the great Malaysian tradition.

Poor Ibrahim, we never thought this would become an issue. This whole thing may seem a little nutty but the moral of the lesson here is, please don’t take economy class passengers for granted. We are not any ikan bilis, okay? We can strip anyone, Datuk or no Datuk, naked.

Well, things are going to get more interesting because the nomination and campaigning for Kajang have not even started yet!

And we still say the Election Commission should extend the campaigning period.

Middle Class Malaysia is a pretty confused group. But then, the country is confused anyway.

THE Malaysian middle class, especially those living in Petaling Jaya and Subang – easily the biggest suburbs of middle class residents in the country – prides itself as educated, active in social media, well-read and surely the bastion of democracy, human rights and all things fashionably liberal.

Well, it’s also a pretty confused group. But then, the country is confused anyway.

Point One: We hear the middle class grumbling, whining and complaining about foreign labour – and we do this insensitively in front of our foreign workers, especially the maids!

Aiyoh, how can the government allow so many foreigners to come in one? Why the government cannot be like Singapore where they only let in clever, skilled foreigners? Sorry, expatriates. Not cheap labourers.

In the same breath, the middle class also gets uptight because of the long wait for Indonesian maids! Eh, what’s wrong with the government ah? Cannot even get Indonesian maids. So incompetent one.

Point Two: So, we also hear Middle Class Malaysia agreeing that we must never, never rely on foreign maids. We must be resilient. We will clean up the house ourselves. We will train our kids to be independent. But we tell our kids: Ah Boy ah, why you go and clean the plates? Leave the plates on the table lah. We got a maid what. Let Kak do the cleaning lah. Go, go away from the kitchen. Duh!

Point Three: Middle Class Malaysia is aghast at the seemingly corrupt practices in the country. There is fear that corruption has become entrenched. It’s so sickening. How can the politicians be so corrupt? We must stop corruption. But in the same breath, we tell our kids. Eh, Ah Boy, can you ask your driving instructor whether can pay coffee money to pass the driving test ah? Got package ah? Better settle lah, so no need to sit for many driving tests. It’s costly, you know?

And we say we are against graft.

Point Four: Middle Class Malaysia must be one of the biggest accomplices in intellectual theft. We have zero respect for intellectual property. It’s not even our SOP to educate our children to stop buying pirated movies.

Ah Boy, please do not buy original DVD or CD, okay? Just buy from the pasar malam, you only watch once. Don’t waste money buying original on Amazon, okay? You hear me?

Ma, no need to buy DVD any more lah. Can just download for free one. No need to pay one!

That’s my boy, clever. Please teach Ma how to do, okay?

So, the entire family has become pretty good at this crime. After all, we are the only nation to have pirated DVDs that include a clip at the beginning to warn viewers about buying pirated DVDs!

Point Five: Still on fighting corruption. At every political ceramah, the crowd gets into a frenzy when the speakers expose corruption involving leaders and their wives, or their second or third wives. But we have also become pretty sophisticated in choosing who to condemn despite the mantra, “wrong is wrong and right is right”.

Aiyah, Ah Boy, these politicians only makan a bit only what. All the politicians makan one. They makan more and bigger. So if our favourite politicians makan, it’s okay lah. We must still support them, Ah Boy. Come, come, don’t ask any more. Do your homework. You don’t understand politics.

Point Six: We hate corrupt traffic cops. If anyone stops us, we know the road blocks are probably not sanctioned. It seems to be more frequent when the festivals approach.

We all hate cops who want to “settle” an offence instead of just issuing a summons. And yet many of us are guilty of offering bribes to dirty cops despite our sworn war against corruption.

Ah Boy, you mad ah? You never kau tim (settle in Cantonese) with the policeman ah? You think you are very rich ah? You actual­ly ask for a summons? You seow (crazy in Hokkien) ah?

And this is the best part: Middle Class Malaysians will wait and delay paying until the police offers a discount for unpaid summonses! No extra penalty, no compounded interest but a reward – a discount! Only in Malaysia!

Point Seven: Middle Class Malaysia is very particular about what schools their kids go to. It must be the best one. It must have school kids who come from good, well-off families. Cannot afford to have their kids mingling with poor schoolmates. But the problem is not everyone stays in the neighbourhood where the good schools are located. So we instil this value very early in our kids, that we must cheat to get ahead in life!

Ah Boy, don’t worry. Even if we do not stay near the school, we use my friend’s address lah. I also changed my credit card and phone bills already, got proof! Sure, you can get into that school. Don’t tell people, okay?

In short, cheating is okay. Only politicians cannot cheat.

Point Eight: Middle Class Malaysia parents cannot imagine that their kids have been selected for National Service. Horrors of horrors! It’s for other kids! Even if their own kids are excited with the new adventure, their parents cannot imagine their kids being packed off to a camp. What happens if they die eating horrible food? What happens if they get bullied?

OMG, mixing with kids of other races? What happens if they fall in love with someone from another race? And in the same breath, they will tell their kids: Ah Boy ah, why can’t this country be more multi­racial? Why must we always talk about race, race and race? I am so sick.

Malaysians don’t sit down and eat together any more. Not like during my time! What? You got selected for National Service? Why are you so sway (bad luck in Hokkien) one? Go and find a way to get out lah. Don’t go!

Point Nine: Middle Class Malaysia gets very angry at the increasing price of sugar and cannot imagine how rice is traded in this country. But they get really mad when their teh tarik is still so sweet despite asking for kurang manis! What’s wrong with this mamak fella? Want me to die ah, with so much sugar?

And then we continue the whining with the government increasing the price of sugar.

Rice? Don’t eat rice lah. Better stop eating. Too much carbo. You want to get diabetes? Better stop eating rice if you want to stay slim. Take my advice, don’t be so stubborn. Stop nasi lemak, stop nasi kandar, stop chicken rice. Hear me.

And in the same breath, we complain about the price of rice, which we all think should be cheaper. Ah Boy, I tell you, I don’t know what’s wrong with this government. Why is the price of rice so expensive? If we don’t eat rice, what do we eat?

Boy, you hear me or not? Going out again at this time? Don’t eat rice at the mamak shop okay? Rice is no good for you. Just eat chapatti­, okay?

Point Ten: And finally … there are still some good things to say about Middle Class Malaysia, and most Malaysians for that matter. We are super polite people. Most of us don’t call people names unless you are a politician or intellectually weak and unable to argue in a debate, especially on social media.

We also don’t call each other by name because we simply do not address people by name. We never call each other Mr or Miss or Madam. Everyone older than us is automatically an uncle or aunty, even though we are not related.

For some strange reasons, we call many people Boss! Hello, Boss, can get me a burger ah? Sure, Boss, satu burger special!

Or everyone is a brother. Eh, Brother, bagi satu kopi. No problem, Brudder!

We all seem to be so family. I love Middle Class Malaysia! This is home! This is the Land of the Confused!

Our politicians should spare us the blushes and sign up for media engagement courses.

WE are indeed still in a silly season. From gaffes over the price of kangkung to comparing a politician to the likes of Winston Churchill. From idolising this same politician as godsent and world-class material to producing a distasteful Chinese New Year video, it simply means our politicians are lousy at media engagement.

Even the Prime Minister has suggested that Cabinet members should take media engagement courses, pointing out the importance of giving out “clear and proper explanations” on government policies. We assume that includes himself.

Here are 11 points that politicians should accept before they even bother signing up for such a course.

Point No 1: The world has changed. No one has a monopoly on the distribution of news. The last thing politicians, especially those in government, should do is to dictate terms on how news should be skewed and written to benefit them. Only one politician still has the privilege of doing that – Kim Jong-un. Well, he has total control over everything, everyone and every piece of kimchi in Pyongyang.

Point No 2: Learn to laugh at yourselves. Humour seems to be lacking in our politicians. They confine themselves too much in a straitjacket. They are too sensitive to criticism and are easily upset. That’s being thin-skinned, which is strange because all politicians are supposed to be thick-skinned. The only exception, again, is if you are the Dear Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, which is anything but democratic.

Humour is also possibly scarce in Taliban country. How can they possibly smile and laugh when they are stuck in caves most of the time with only camels as their companions?

Just take a leaf from London Mayor Boris Johnson, who sportingly joked and laughed at himself when he was stuck dangling in mid-air while riding a zip wire as part of the 2012 Olympics celebrations. He has also cleverly used his many guffaws to endear himself to the voters.

The Chinese New Year video by the MCA Youth taking a dig at that superbly ridiculous “Love Is In The Air” election video by the Bukit Bintang MCA is refreshing. Learn to laugh at yourself.

Point No 3: Chicken is simply food to people. Chickens are not used for political purposes. Older Chinese may insist on slaughtering chickens in temples to prove their innocence but to most of us, a lie detector would do a better job. Besides, what have these innocent chickens done to politicians that they have to be sacrificed in this manner? You can slap my back for laughing at silly video jokes but why must you offer me RM1,200 to slap someone on her face? Now, that could be slapstick comedy! Pakatan politician Teresa Kok can be likened to a fighting cock and her video may be full of cock and bull. But it’s best we leave the animals out of the fight. Just leave that to the real political animals.

Point No 4: Can we cut the charade of addressing every Tan Sri, Puan Sri, Datuk Seri, Datin Seri, Datuk-Datuk, Datin-Datin …? This whole salutation takes up too much time. Can we just get straight to the point? Most journalists find such salutations a complete waste of time. The only ones excited are these titled people. Surely, not the ordinary people. The time will be better used explaining what needs to be said by our leaders. We are no longer feudal although we respect the traditions.

Point No 5: Never talk down to the people. The rakyat are not stupid. Don’t lecture us and don’t expect Malaysians, especially the taxpayers, to be thankful, grateful and blindly loyal to politicians for just doing what they are voted in to do. Politicians are supposed to serve the people and not the other way around. So if that point is made clear, our leaders will be able to communicate more effectively with the people. It’s that simple, really.

Point No 6: Stop paying a bomb to spin doctors calling themselves media consultants. It’s really a con job. How would these guys know the political behaviour of Malaysians when they don’t even know their way around town? Except maybe Bangsar? So, forget about giving fat contracts to these expatriate self-declared experts with their fanciful graphs and power point presentations.

There’s a battalion of Malaysian ex-newsmen working as press secretaries, advisers and aides in Putrajaya. They know the job better.

Point No 7: Politicians get into trouble because they tell different things to different audiences. That’s what happens when their mouths are bigger than their brains. Everything and anything can now be captured as pictures, sound bites or video clips via the smartphone. Voters love to expose politicians and these videos have a way of going viral on social media.

Point No 8: Be clever. Using those instant one-man outfits disguised as non-governmental organisations to carry out your dirty tricks, and then disassociating from these political jesters, won’t work. The public hates it. The media hate it. Everyone can see through these devious schemes except the politicians who think we don’t. Does anyone actually join the Persatuan Mukabuku Malaysia?

Point No 9: Be straight to the voters. If you want to quit politics and land yourself a teaching job, just do as you have promised. If you want to contest a state seat, just say so, rather than deny a fact or give us runaround answers. And if you want to be a Mentri Besar, then just admit it. Surely, no godsent and world-class politician want to be just an ordinary state assemblyman who is expected to look at dengue-infested longkang (drains)?

Point No 10: Press freedom and freedom of expression mean accepting being criticised, belittled, ridiculed and scolded. All of us have seen how the biggest advocates of the freedom of expression show the same intolerant behaviour when they get into power. They clamp down and bully the media and critics. Of course, these brutes would not have done that without the blessing from their masters – the same politicians who get voted into power talking about accountability, freedom and justice.

Point No 11: Finally, the best and most important point of all. No amount of training, classes and advice could really help unless you think before you open your mouth to talk to the press and people. We all know that most politicians treat the microphone like some strange, desirable objects that they cannot let go of.

But keep it short and simple. Don’t sound like a philosopher when your degree is purchased online. Remember, our attention span is short. We need to run off to watch the football match on TV. When players don’t wallop each other, officials do it, at least in Malaysia.

THE celebrations of the Chinese New Year, now in its third day, have progressively undergone dramatic changes — much more than we Malaysians, especially those who are ethnically Chinese — realise.

And I am not just talking about traditions and the good old days but also the major socio-economic, geo-political and demographic changes which have a great impact on the lives of the Chinese in Malaysia.

Some of us may be caught in a time warp and think that things remain the same. But here are 10 paradoxes that are already so apparent as we usher in the Year of the Horse.

Paradox One: Today, many Malaysian Chinese families are seeking to trace their ancestral roots now that there are no more barriers to travelling back to China. Journeys back to the Chinese provinces where their ancestors originated, especially during the CNY season, have become something of a fad.

But here’s the shocker many Malaysians have encountered — their once impoverished Chinese relatives are now better off than the Malaysians!

If Malaysians once dreaded visiting these rural simpletons who lived in near collapsed houses where the toilets were located outside, the scenario has changed dramatically. Many have become wealthy and live in modern suburbs, and they certainly do not need their overseas relatives to give them any handouts.

Thanks to capitalism thriving, ironically in a Communist country, they are now telling their Malaysian family members not to bother visiting them during CNY. “We are going on holiday… err, not to Malaysia, Singapore or Thailand but to Europe. Thanks but it’s okay. Visit us another time. We will let you know when.”

Paradox Two: Our forefathers left their mainland Chinese wives, mostly in the southern provinces, in search of a better life in the Land of Honey — Malaya — in the 1920s or even earlier. Their wives remained faithful despite the distance. But the men would get married to the local Chinese women or nyonya in Malaya and have new families here. Now, the reverse is taking place in modern Malaysia — many Malaysian men now leave their wives behind in search of new Chinese wives-companions-girlfriends in China!

Paradox Three: Still on our forefathers. They would keep every single penny they could save, with the exception of the few spent on the occasional opium puffs, to be sent back to China. When they travelled back home, they would bring along plenty of gifts from Malaya for their near-starving Chinese family members. Well, the world has changed. China is now the world’s biggest factory. The country is producing everything you can imagine — or not imagine. So, it’s the other way around. Fast forward to 2014. We go to China now to do serious shopping and bring them back to Malaysia!

Paradox Four: My grandfather, Wong Ah Fook, landed in Langkawi. He remains a man of mystery to me because my father simply refuses to talk about him. My grandpa was born in the fruit planting county of Kochow or Gaozhou, in the southwestern Guangdong province of southern China.

As my father refuses to tell me anything about him, for a while I thought he was a discredited politician or maybe a crooked mandarin who sought refuge in Malaya.

But I was wrong. He was simply a peasant. I am not sure what he planted in Langkawi. It was also highly possible they told him he had landed in Penang. He may have gotten off on the wrong island. All islands looked alike in the 1920s.

Sometimes I wonder if there are Chinamen working in the canals in Kochow who look like me. Or whether there are any rich look-alikes who have made a fortune and are now living a life of luxury in the United States.

Paradox Five: We have all read about the all-important CNY reunion dinners. But do you want to know what has been happening? Well, more and more Malaysians are holding their CNY reunion dinners at restaurants. In the Klang Valley, most restaurants are fully booked with three dining sessions: 5pm, 7pm and 9pm. If you can’t finish your dinner, some restaurants insist you must pack up the food to make way for waiting diners.

I have also heard that the pot luck has become fashionable as busy modern families can no longer find the time to cook. To ensure that the CNY dinner does not erupt into a war, a compromise has been struck. Come to the patriarch’s home with your contribution. The old folks are just too tired to cook for a battalion of family members anyway.

Paradox Six: My father celebrates his 90th birthday this year. It’s amazing. He can enjoy his food — no diabetes, no hypertension, no cholesterol and he doesn’t exercise. My mother turns 84 this year. She eats everything too.

Like most elderly people, they talk about the old times when life was tough. The Japanese occupation is always a favourite topic.

They can’t understand why many family members refuse to eat rice and spend a fortune trying to lose weight when Africans are starving. For old Chinese parents, eating rice is good. So can you imagine not touching carbohydrates at a CNY dinner? Asking for trouble, man!

Paradox Seven: The days of wearing everything red — from bras to underwear — are slowly diminishing. Red is still the preferred colour but with the Red Devils losing practically every football match, that association is also quickly changing. Sure, Liverpool and Arsenal fans are also in red but that’s a different story.

Wearing dark colours seems more tolerable now compared to the past, when anyone in any colour remotely perceived as mourning, such as dark blue or even green, would earn the wrath of our parents. Sure kena lecture one! (“It’s sure to invite a lecture!”) Don’t even think of wanting to look like the late Apple boss Steve Jobs or our advertising guru Tan Sri Lim Kok Wing, who are always in their trademark black.

Paradox Eight: Okay, this one is a super sensitive subject. We are not talking about politics. We are talking about the increasing number of family members, especially women, who have refused to get married.

It’s a tense situation during CNY dinners. You can be sure some idiotic loudmouth (usually an insensitive daughter-in-law) will bring it up. Not sure if she wants to brag about getting pregnant again or just embarrass the hubby’s sisters.

But welcome to the modern Malaysian Chinese family — the population is shrinking fast. Plunging, to be more precise, and soon in danger of falling into the category of “dan lain-lain (others)” as more Nepalese, Myanmar, Indonesians, Bangladeshis, Pakistanis, Indians, Cambodians, Vietnamese, Iranians, Iraqis and Nigerians land in Malaysia.

Paradox Nine: After a week of pre-CNY yee sang, 10-course meals and more of the same food during CNY, most of us would much prefer going back to our more palatable Malaysian-style food, from mamak nasi kandar to Kajang satay. Yes, Kajang satay is great and does not need politicians to boost the business. More so those politicians who give us silly excuses on why this by-election has to be held. We do not need any convincing to eat other kinds of food during the festive season. Some politicians think they can take us for fools, believing they are world-class material just because they can talk about Winston Churchill and other world leaders who had humble beginnings!

Paradox Ten: And finally, what is it that the Malaysian Chinese want? The same as our forefathers who migrated here. They heard about how great Malaya was. We want Malaysia to remain great, so we can all be proud.

Malaya was thriving and a good place to make a living, and that was what our forefathers found. Likewise, we want the same in modern Malaysia.

And why did our forefathers leave China? Because they were sick of the corrupt nationalists and later the silly communists. They chose Malaya over other countries in huge numbers because of the moderation and openness here. That’s what we want too in modern Malaysia. Keep it moderate.

It’s not enough to be good. Let’s make Malaysia truly great! And we are sure we will be talking about this over CNY dinners because we truly love Malaysia.