It’s eight because the number 8 is auspicious for the CNY, it rhymes with fatt or prosperity in Cantonese, and it is a favourite number of the community.

THE Chinese New Year celebrations are just days away. Amidst the festivities, there are still some things that remain a mystery to us. Here are eight points worth pondering upon as we head home for the reunion dinner.

One: Kuih bakul aka ning gao (Cantonese) aka tni kuih (Hokkien) aka nien kao (Mandarin) is a traditional Chinese New Year delicacy but I am finding it hard to swallow the folklore that it is actually used to ensure a good report from the Kitchen God!

The story is that this sweet sticky rice cake must be offered to the Kitchen God before the CNY so that his mouth is full of sticky cake, and he is thus unable to say negative things about the family. In short, we get to bribe the Kitchen God before he hands over his annual report to the Jade Emperor! This is a serious offence, man!

Actually, I like the kuih bakul steamed and covered with grated coconut for dessert but I shudder at the thought that we can use this delicacy to bribe a Chinese God. Hello, are you serious? Get out of here! It sounds bizarre.

Can you imagine this line, “Tuan, macam nama mau selesai? Boleh kasi kuih bakul settle kah?” Or try using this line to a bigwig official with powers to approve a contract, “Boss, can we do a deal, can I sweeten your mouth with kuih bakul?”

Two: There is an indefinite ban on fire crackers. No compromise. The authorities will not tolerate any attempt to smuggle in such fireworks. We will leave no stone unturned in our move to ensure a safe Chinese New Year: That’s how cops talk or that’s how reporters make them sound. Memang dilarang!

But I can never understand why, on the first day of CNY and on the eighth night – which is when the Hokkiens prepare to celebrate the Jade Emperor’s birthday on the ninth day (or pai thi kong) – the whole of Penang and Klang, these self-declared Hokkien nations, end up louder than the whole of Syria under fire.

I mean where did all this “fire power” come from? We all thought that the authorities and their tiada kompromi (no compromise) statements will ensure that such dangerous explosives cannot be brought in. Maybe both these towns, being port cities, find it easier to get these fireworks.

Three: I have booked my tickets for a short holiday. I am choosing the Japanese city of Hokkaido for a badly needed rest. There is only so much politics that a Malaysian can take. I have to fill up my forms carefully. Got to make sure I am not denied entry for no good reason.

Got to make sure I don’t get myself mixed up over “intention of visit” when filling in the disembarkation form. You never know, we sometimes get confused with melawat and meliwat. So I’d better be sure.

Four: There was a time when I would look forward to CNY movies from Hong Kong. They were usually movies that made you happy and cheerful. It’s CNY, after all. I used to look forward to the movies by Sam Hui and his brothers, Michael and Ricky. Then there were action movies by Jackie Chan but with a twist of humour. They were always released during CNY.

But this year, it looks like the movie we should all be watching is The Wolf of Wall Street. That’s a howler! Hey, its lead star Leonardo DiCaprio did take home the award for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy at the 71st Golden Globe Awards but it’s not known yet whether the censorship board here will allow the film to be shown in our cinemas. If not, Malaysians will just have to go to their usual joints at Petaling Street or elsewhere to look for a copy.

Five: For some strange reasons, the price of oranges goes up every year. The distributors will blame it on the weather and transportation costs. Wonder who they will blame this time and still get away with it. In Singapore, they usually blame the weather, whether it is the drought or the terrible winter in parts where the mandarin oranges come from.

In Malaysia, we are usually more creative. The Government is blamed for just about every­thing, even when Manchester United loses. MU kalah lagi? Sial betoi, ini semua hal gomen lah! Takda direction, bro!

Six: Kangkung will never be an issue for CNY. Stay calm. Relax. It is not an essential item as far as CNY cooking is concerned. So the PM can be assured that he would not be a target of creative jokes during the CNY reunio­n dinner. But we may still talk about how creative Malaysians are. So talented one! So funny one!

So there is no need for Perkasa to get jumpy and overreact. Perkasa reportedly said the kangkung furore can lead to racial clashes similar to May 13. Duh.

Are they saying we will go down in Malaysian history, where students will have to learn from their history books, that we clobbered each other over kangkung? I repeat, over kangkung? That’s a big duh!

Seven: For some strange reasons, the rubbish collectors and council workers will show up at the right time during CNY. They seem so visible during the festive season, even if it’s a public holiday. Maybe it’s because I leave the house too early and come back too late to see them at work on other days. The rubbish is collected regularly after all. But I am sure they know my presence during CNY. Okay, I am getting the ang pow ready. I get the hint.

Eight: I am not sure whether it’s a Chinese excuse but from young, there have been older relatives who reminded me if I wanted to be good in Maths, I must learn to gamble. It will be good for speed and mental arithmetic. Others also told me that if I do not wish to be senile, lose my memory and end up sufferin­g from Alzheimer’s Disease, I must take up mahjong.

I didn’t take their advice. My parents imposed a total ban on gambling in the household. But these Chinese-educated relatives of mine are good at Maths. I am not sure if they have elephant’s memory but, for sure, they have selective memory.

The many non-gambling friends seem to have gone on into journalism, advertising and law while a few have become politicians, with guaranteed selective memory. Oh? Saya ada buat janji ke? Janji ditepati, apa tu?

There are eight points for this article because the number 8 is auspicious for the CNY. Eight rhymes with fatt or prosperity in Cantonese and is a favourite number of the community. In any case, I could only come up with eight points this time.

In our beloved country, where the rural heartland is deemed a political stronghold, any tale spun for the benefit of the rural residents is particularly potent.

AN urban legend, so the term suggests, is a myth, but as it continues to be circulated, it has a tendency of becoming the truth. Very much like how a lie, if told a thousand times, becomes fact.

An urban legend does not mean that the myth only originates from the cities. In the case of Malaysia, where the rural heartland is deemed a political stronghold, any tale spun for the benefit of the rural residents is particularly potent. So, here’s my list of “10 rural legends”.

One: The country has produced hundreds of thousands of brilliant students, all with a string of distinctions, some up to 18As. All believe they will save Malaysia and the world by becoming doctors, scientists and engineers.

But the reality is that most of our students, even those with many As, have to settle for local universities and colleges. Many of them find it impossible to enter the prestigious universities in the world. The main factor is their low command of English and their inability to have open minds. The As are over-rated because the passing rates are marked down.

What happened to our young geniuses or the top scorers who get all the media attention each time the PMR and SPM results are announced? Many of them could well be among the thousands of unemployed graduates who enter the labour market each year.

Two: We are supposed to have world class education to produce students with “skills, knowledge, strong moral values and who are capable of competing with their peers from other countries”. That’s what the Malaysia Education Blueprint 2013-2025 says. For our children’s sake, we’d better achieve it. We can’t do it overnight because the current state of affairs is not particularly rosy.

The World Bank says Malaysia needs to fix its education system. The 2012 Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) placed Malaysia in the bottom third, ranking 52 out of the 65 countries surveyed.

The Pisa 2012 test reportedly showed that secondary school students in Malaysia learn only as much as the primary school pupils in Singapore and South Korea. Malaysian students also scored below Vietnam in all the tests, including the one on literacy.

Are we worried? Relak lah, bro, they are just jealous of our success. It’s a just a survey. It’s probably a Zionist plot.

Three: Kuala Lumpur is a bad place. A terrible, maksiat city. It’s filled with Malay gangsters who speak a smattering of Cantonese such as “lan see” (arrogant) and “tai kor” (big boss) and their conversations are filled with Hokkien words like “lu” (you) and “gua” (me) which will send the language purists to Institut Jantung Negara. They also fight one another in Jalan Petaling aka Chinatown. That’s what it looks like in the box-office Malay movies like Gangster KL and Gangster KL 2, and all the movies about Mat Rempits.

But in the real world, most real gangsters have graduated to become corporate figures, businessmen and politicians. Well, some become policemen. It’s called organised crime.

Four: Malaysia is rural based. Their elected representatives are hard-working, service-oriented and live near to the people and grassroots. They hike up mountains and ford treacherous rivers to stay in touch with the people.

Strangely enough, many of these YBs from the rural heartland seem to be always in Kuala Lumpur and Putrajaya. Their favourite joints are the coffee houses in five-star hotels and shopping centres, like those in Bangsar. Forget the humble kopitiam; it’s the branded coffee outlets that prove you have arrived. Strategic lah bro. Must be seen. Kena salam lah dengan VVIP yang singgah kat Bangsar.

Five: English is a language of the colonists. English is for the elites. It’s not used in rural areas. English is used by the liberals who think greatly of Britain. It’s okay if you do not have a good command of the language.

But try calling our elected representatives. Their favourite destination? Yes, London, you guessed it. Hello YB Datuk, where are you? You kat mana? Breaking ini. Tak dengar. Oh, kat London. Shopping ke? Okay, okay, makan aje, kat Bayswater. Okay, okay. Bila balik?…allo, allo… YB banjir semalam… allo, allo… (phone line dead).

Six: Rural folks believe that most Datuks in KL stay in bungalows, eat Western food at dinner time, have children who are spoilt brats, and call all the shots when making multi-million ringgit deals. That’s what the Malay dramas on TV seem to portray.

But at the rate we are giving out titles, every­one will soon be a Datuk. Now, everyone can be a Datuk, like the AirAsia tagline. While we have controlled prices for petrol, sugar and certain food items, Datukship is not a controlled item. Well, like religion, it’s a state matter.

So, Malaysians are now assuming that certain states seem to confer awards practically every day. Not everyone is a Datuk Seri or Datuk Sri. Many are also Datuk Dr, without the need to slog for a thesis.

Seven: The Allah-quoting Christians are a threat and are seeking to convert all the Muslims in this country. This is a national security problem.

But is that for real? What’s the secret recipe – not talking about the cake kind, but the religious-political kind – of these Christian evangelists? Christians only make up close to 10% of the country’s population, the majority in Sabah and Sarawak, but they can be seen as a danger to the 60% Muslims of the 28 million population.

Eight: All the liberals are supporters of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBT). They usually belong to non-governmental organisations, are English-educated, attend international conferences, and write columns for the media. Ground for suspicion – many are unmarried.

But what about the macho name-calling right wingers, the nationalists, and the male-oriented politicians? They are the real men who go through multiple weddings and occasionally get caught in controversies with starlets. But blame the press lah. Takda benda nak lapur ke? Report lah pasal pembangunan.

We will teach these LBGT busybodies a lesson. Wait for the Dewan Rakyat to reconvene, you wait for my speech.

Nine: Kangkung aka morning glory aka water convolvulus aka Chinese water spinach must be an obsession with Malaysians. Kampung folks can just pluck it by the river but urban folks have gone berserk! It has become a hot political commodity, who would have thought?

But that’s how Malaysian politics have gone – the kangkung way. Now, we hear the social media has also picked on the innocent taugeh aka bean sprouts, because it rhymes with tau-gay! As someone says on social media, there isn’t mushroom, oops, much room left, in Malaysian politics now. Politically terkangkang, I guess. Too much kangkung is, after all, bad for health. Turns one lembek (soft), some urologists believe.

Ten: Malaysia is a conservative and religious country where its people will quarrel passionately and emotionally on religious matters. At the same time, these issues are sensitive and must be carefully handled.

But it’s hard to explain that amidst all of us, the God-fearing Malaysians, we are still living in a rather sinful nation – grappling with the high number of corrupt and greedy Malaysians in all sectors, drugs, sex and crime. As we all say, only God knows what’s wrong with us!

But I guess that’s what makes us Malay­sians legendary, urban or rural!

So much fuss over a purported plan to set up a Hard Rock Cafe in Putrajaya – and we know it’s not even going to happen.

I WAS reading the newspaper in a kopitiam when I spotted the controversy over the purported plan to set up a Hard Rock Café (HRC) in Putrajaya.

I really couldn’t believe what I was reading. Like most Malaysians, I almost choked on my food.

To put it bluntly, I felt as if I had been hit by a hard rock while at the café – okay, kopitiam.

Here are 10 reasons why I find the purported plan silly.

Reason No 1: It was another classic case of Malaysian over-reaction. Perkasa was screaming its head off even though Putrajaya Corporation chief Tan Sri Aseh Che Mat said there was no application to open a HRC in the administrative capital. The local Hard Rock Café franchise holder Tan Sri Syed Mohd Yusof Syed Nasir also confirmed that there was no such plan. So what was the fuss all about?

Reason No 2: Have any of the critics ever set foot inside a HRC outlet? Seriously, do they know what they are talking about? The last time I was there, the Strollers Two was playing.

Hello, only uncles and aunties will know who the Strollers are.

Please lah. Tempat maksiat? Duh! HRC all around the world have a reputation for hosting family gatherings. Maybe the steaks are a little over-priced but it’s the last place you want to go for a pick-up, unless cougars are your preferences. Footnote: Cougars are not animals despite their somewhat animalistic demands.

Reason No 3: HRC will destroy morality! This will surely go down as one of the best jokes for 2014. But hey, it’s only January. We’ve got 11 more months to go!

Reason No 4: Liquor cannot be served if a HRC is opened in Putrajaya. In the first place, it’s an unusual statement because no one is planning to open one there. No liquor in Putrajaya? Well, try visiting the hotels there.

Reason No 5: Malaysia is in danger of becoming a country with two systems and two sets of laws. HRC Kuala Lumpur can have liquor but cross over to another part of the Federal Territory – Putrajaya – and it won’t be allowed, even if it is a HRC.

Reason No 6: We know it’s not going to happen. Aseh says no, Syed Yusof says no and HRC International isn’t going to ever say yes.

But if it should ever happen, we could have the first HRC to serve sugar-saturated air bandung and teh tarik to the Putrajaya officials as they huddle together to discuss ways to fight the evil of diabetes.

Reason No 7: Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad has said Putrajaya is dull. It should be boring, really.

No one can deny what he has said. He is, after all, the brains behind the administrative capital, and he has apologised for not thinking of the entertainment aspect.

The place is close to being deserted after office hours, unless sitting under the bridge or hearing the buzz of mosquitoes has become a new Malaysian pastime.

You’ll like Putrajaya if you are a thrill seeke­r testing the limits of being hit by dengu­e fever or risking being caught for “immoral behaviour” with your girlfriend under the bridge by the religious authorities.

Reason No 8: It is so dull you can count with one hand the number of Cabinet members, deputy ministers and political secretarie­s who actually stay there. It is also probably the only administrative capital in the world where no foreign countries want to set up an embassy.

Reason No 9: Thank you, Dr Mahathir, for revealing that Putrajaya was inspired by the Champs Élysées, the main boulevard in Paris, which is totally different from Perkasa’s claim that it was modelled after the Muslim holy city of Medina.

In reality, the Putra Mosque, particularly its basement wall, is reportedly constructed to resemble that of the King Hassan Mosque in Casablanca, Morocco, while the minaret is influenced by the design of the Sheikh Omar Mosque in Baghdad.

So, Mr Perkasa has been caught shooting off his mouth without thinking, which is not unusual.

Reason No 10: And finally, religious hymns or worship songs, of any religion, in an entertainment outlet? Good try.

Malaysia, for all its strange happenings and political foibles, is truly a wonderful place to come home to – and here are 10 good reasons why I feel this way.

IT’S good to be back in Malaysia after taking a short break for the New Year. And you know you are coming back to this wonderful and glorious homeland the moment you board the flight home.

Even before the plane lands, you are already reminded that you are about to enter the airspace of the Land of Contradictions. It’s really amazing to be back to face the politicians and the bosses, again, as we start work and plan the next holiday. Isn’t Malaysia great? And here are my 10 reasons.

Reason No 1: You know this is truly Malaysia when your onboard movie is interrupted because Malaysia Airlines has to play the new upbeat Malaysia Truly Asia song to promote our country – this is Visit Malaysia Year after all. You can’t help but feel proud as you look at the faces of the tourists sitting next to you. They must love us. And then, just after the wonderful welcome is over, the steward comes on air to warn all the passengers that they will be hanged if caught and convicted of possession of drugs. Again, I look at the faces of the Mat Sallehs and, of course, the Iranians and Ugandans, if any of them looks like one.

Reason No 2: It’s so good. So darned good to hear the captain of Malaysia Airlines welcoming all Malaysians back home. I love the genuine smiles of our MAS cabin crew. It’s real. Not plastic, unlike other airlines. But you also ask yourself why we are truly Malaysian at this point and then the moment we walk out of KLIA, we are reminded, by some quarters, that we are Malay, Chinese, Indian or lain-lain. Malaysia, according to some, is not really our “home”. Because when we disagree with them, they tell us to “go home”.

Reason No 3: You know you are in KLIA because our Malaysian politicians and VIPs love their entourage! They love attention. They love to be sent off on trips and they also love to be welcomed back. What an insecure lot they are. They must be seen in the company of at least 30 hangers-on. For a division leader, at least 10, I reckon. I also cannot fathom how they have bag carriers who can obtain security passes. Malaysian VIPs, you see, don’t wait for bags at the conveyor belt, like us commoners. Maybe they know the luggage takes ages to arrive and have found a clever way for their bags to arrive first!

Reason No 4: It’s Visit Malaysia Year 2014. I love to see the airport filled to the brim with real tourists. Plenty and plenty of them. It will happen for sure. We have a year ahead. Right now, the airport seems to be filled with cheap foreign labourers, with their dazed and lost looks, as their contractors bark out orders. Where are the real tourists?

Reason No 5: From your window seat, you see KLIA as the plane taxies down the runway. KLIA looks great. You feel proud but hey, it’s also pretty quiet and deserted. And then, as we drive home, we find another airport that’s almost identical and about to be opened, despite the many misses, and you wonder why we are building another airport if the present one is pretty empty. But hey, this is Malaysia. Don’t ask unpatriotic questions. And don’t whine about the cost of KLIA 2!

Reason No 6: Speaking of “them”, you know you are heading home to Malaysia as you read the one-day-old Malaysian newspapers. It’s humorous. There is another Malaysian politician who told us to leave the country if we don’t like Malaysia – obviously someone has to tell her that Malaysia does not belong to any political party. Can we ask the politicians to leave Malaysia if they continue to be racist or corrupt? And vice-versa, we have voters who cannot differentiate between the government of the day and the country. Getting all mixed up, they condemn the country for any government wrongdoing. But hey, look on the bright side, this is Malaysia. We are utterly confused, most of the time by the politicians!

Reason No 7: And this is the latest mind-boggling national news. The Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor (Jais) raids the Bible Society of Malaysia and seizes 321 copies of the Alkitab, 10 copies of the Iban Bible, Bup Kudus, and 20 copies of Luke’s Gospel in Malay.

And then it says it FORGOT to inform the Selangor government. I am told they also FORGOT to inform the Sultan of Selangor and we can assume, Jais also FORGOT to get a warrant. Amidst this provocative action, many of us have FORGOTTEN in the age of the Internet, you can click and download just about any religious publication in whatever language. Raid Google next?

Reason No 8: More news from the day-old newspapers. Politicians lecturing us on the need for rationalisation, subsidy cuts, price increases, the need to save, to be prudent and to be more productive. Stop updating Facebook aka Buku Muka at work. No Candy Crush. No more kuih muih and bee hoon at meetings. Also, please stop talking about our pay rises, which we all voted for anyway. And so what if we want to buy new expensive cars? We deserve it. We worked hard. We got discounts, ok? (chuckle). And of course burning up jet fuel. I love our politicians. World-class answers.

Reason No 9: This one has to be one of the best reasons why it will be stupid to migrate – even if some of our politicians keep reminding us to do so. We love long weekends. All our public holidays can be connected to our weekends, so we get long stretches to take a well-deserved break. We have tolerant employers too. We can’t get back to work immediately after Jan 1, boss. Kena hantar anak pi sekolah, first day at school. Boss, I will report for work on Jan 6, Monday. No point coming back on Friday lah, already weekend. Boss, no flights back, all full, Jan 7 Tuesday, ok ah?

Reason No 10: You know you are back in Malaysia because the malls and shops have started the Chinese New Year sales. The decorations are up. The mood is being built up. Christmas and New Year holidays are over but now, we plan our CNY holidays. We simply love Malaysia. So many, many holidays. And this does not include football holidays! And then there is “emergency leave” to help us recover from the holidays. So you see, for all our screw-ups, fiascos and contradictions, it’s good to be back in Malaysia!