PATHETIC and disgusting. That’s surely an understatement in describing the continuous racist slurs non-Malays have had to endure.

Using non-Malays – particularly the Christians – as bogeymen hasn’t ended, even more than six decades after independence.

The situation has probably worsened because social media has made things more evident and amplified them. Thankfully though, politicians selling venom to their target audience can no longer be a covert affair.

These chameleons used to stir the hornet’s nest of race and religion with the Malays, portraying themselves as champions of their community. And then, they have no qualms attending events at Chinese new villages, where they try to please the residents by professing to be one people. Just to add value to the “show”, even a calligraphy writing session is entertained.

Next on their “tour” – get on stage, put their palms together, and greet the people in Tamil, and then do the dance bit, of course. And we bought all that, believing they portrayed the real Malaysia.

Incredibly, some are still doing the rounds. For a fresh twist, the LBGT element has even been thrown in now, and despite the charade being recorded, clarification must be issued to say otherwise. You know, I didn’t mean it.

Someone has forgotten that it isn’t only the ghosts, drunkards and LBGT community who are still awake at 11pm and need to use the toll.

These commuters include nurses, doctors, policemen, security guards, hawkers, taxi drivers, restaurant employees, firemen, factory workers, food deliverers and of course, journalists too, and we often work the infamous graveyard shift.

Scoring points and teaming up with an equally repulsive partner to create suspicion against other fellows, with fictional threats of race and religion, is just unacceptable.

While we cringe over the thought of how there are listeners who buy their hate speech, we expect these politicians to at least rise above these nauseating tactics and convince the people that they can provide better governance and deliver more than the present government.

They should prove to the people that the new government’s failings include not fulfilling its election promises, allowing the cost of living to go up and watching the ringgit’s value shrink. And to add ammunition, highlight how some ministers have even failed their probation.

That’s what a fault-finding Opposition is supposed to do – ensure check and balance, and behave like a government in-waiting, but here we have opposition Members of Parliament who can’t wait to broker a deal by defecting to the government’s side of the fence.

There’s another distateful story. It’s about an Umno MP who crossed over to Parti Pribumi Bersatu Malaysia and had the gall to admit that he was doing it for the constituents.

So, we have an odd situation where opposition MPs mourned the defeat of the previous government even after almost a year, and now plot to join the new government. Not plot to topple, of course, not that again, but plot to join. Naturally, it’s in the interest of the people.

We believe you, well, some of us do. Most of us know it’s just a lie, but hey, we are in the era of malu apa…

Then, there are the “remnants”, who probably won’t be accepted by the new government, and figure that the only way for them to get back on the gravy train is to stoke the fires of racial and religious sensitivity. You’ve got to give it to this lot, though. They are, at least, fighting back, although their methods are pretty despicable.

However, the hate speeches will likely work in some constituencies, where, like oil, it burns the minds and hearts of angry voters who are already struggling to put food on the table for their families.

Still, it’s the pits when someone like Barisan Nasional secretary-general Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz resorts to claiming that having a non-Muslim Attorney General is not “lawful” since he took oath without swearing on the Quran. Nazri, of course, is bluffing, but he’s like those snake oil peddlers who will say anything to make a sale.

Nowhere in the Federal Constitution does it state that an AG needs to take an oath using the Quran. And surely, we won’t expect the likes of Nazri to concede that in the history of Malaya, there were six British AGs.

Cecil Sheridan, who died aged 88 in 2000, was the last British Attorney-General of Malaya and helped in drafting the constitution of its successor state, Malaysia.

When Malaya attained independence in 1957, Sheridan was promoted to Solicitor-General and in 1959, became the country’s Attorney-General. He also helped in the preparations for the formation of Malaysia in 1963 and in the process, worked closely with Tunku Abdul Rahman, the Prime Minister of Malaya, Tun Razak Hussein, its deputy Prime Minister, and Lee Kuan Yew, of Singapore.

True, the eight subsequent successors were Malays, but there’s no race and religion criteria in the appointment of the top-ranking public prosecutor of the country.

The first Lord President of Malaysia – now renamed Chief Justice – was a Scot named Tun Sir James Thompson, who assumed the post in 1963 when Malaysia was formed. He held the post until 1966.

Likewise, after independence in 1957, Malaysia’s first two finance ministers were ethnic Chinese – Tun H.S. Lee and Tun Tan Siew Sin. However, from 1974 until very recently, the post had been held by Malays.

So, what we are effectively saying is that our founding fathers had no issue with the ethnicity of these important posts such as chief judge, attorney general and finance ministers. However, as six decades have worn on, we have become more degenerate, insisting on focusing on race and religion, instead of qualifications, credibility and integrity as the main criteria?

Certainly, these men, who held the loftiest positions, did well then, and many of us can accept that they didn’t collude with individuals to loot the wealth of this country and the Malays – who make up the bulk of Malaysians.

The harsh reality is that the pilfering and corruption are shamelessly executed by those claiming to fight for their race and religion. They shouldn’t blame anyone else or try to fan the flames of racial discontent to save themselves. Malaysians are tired of such perversion, so we can’t allow such incorrigible politics to proliferate in our beloved country.

One Chinese Finance Minister, a Christian Chief Justice and an Indian Attorney-General aren’t going to be able to control a country of 31 million people, where Malays and the indigenous people make up 61.7%, compared to the the shrinking Chinese (20.8%) and Indian (6.2%) population.

As for religion, according to a 2010 estimate, Muslims number most at 61.3%, Buddhists 19.8%, Christians 9.2%, Hindus 6.3% with Confucianism, Taoism and other Chinese practices at 1.3%, others 0.4%, no religion 0.8%, unspecified 1%.

As for the 1.6 million civil servants – the then-Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim told Parliament that as at December 2014, the ethnic composition of the civil service was as follows: 78.8% Malays, Bumiputera Sabah (6.1%), Bumiputera Sarawak (4.8 %), Chinese (5.2 %), Indians (4.1 %), other Bumiputera (0.3%) and others (0.7%).

As for the police force, then-Home Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi said non-Malays only made up 5% of the 133,212-strong force.

“Of the total, 80.23% or 106,871 are Malays, while Chinese make up only 1.96% (2,615), Indians 3.16% (4,209), Punjabis 0.21% (275) and others 14.44% (19,242),” he said in replying a question by Raja Kamarul Bahrin Shah (Amanah-Kuala Terengganu).

And we haven’t even counted the Prime Minister, Deputy Prime Minister and the Malays holding key posts in the Cabinet, and of course, the overwhelmingly Malay armed forces, numbering 420,000 personnel. It’s downright contemptible for our politicians to make fictional claims of non-Malays gaining control of the country, when the facts and figures clearly speak for themselves. For most rational Malaysians, we just want to see a clean government and civil service, which can safeguard our national interest, regardless of race and religion.

The late Chinese premier Deng Xiaoping famously said that it doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white, so long as it catches the mice.

Our recent history has showed that our big fat cats didn’t catch the mice but ended up becoming rats themselves.

IT’S time for Malaysia to change its narrative. For a start, our leaders must end the hyperbole of how the previous Barisan Nasional government stripped and looted the country’s wealth.

We generally know enough about the financial crime of the century, the hunt and arrests of those implicated in the cases.

Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak and his wife, Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, are facing a barrage of corruption and money laundering charges, and they are expected to spend the next five years in court.

The main character, the infamous Jho Low, and his family, are on the run, and it’s a given fact that the long arm of the law will eventually reach them.

A corrupt government has collapsed, and it’s now coming to a year since the new federal leaders took charge.

Malaysia can’t continue telling the world how we’re a troubled country with a deep financial hole, and neither should we keep contradicting our stand.

We can’t be saying we’re near bankrupt one day, and the next, concede that our economy is in good shape.

The Pakatan Harapan government marks its first year at office in May. So, its ministers can’t still be whining about inherited problems of a 60-year-old government forever.

Many of the current leaders, including the Prime Minister, were part of the system, and in the case of Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad, he was at the helm for 22 years, lest we forget.

Admittedly, an eye-watering amount of money has been pilfered, so, the government needs to retrieve what’s stolen.

Ironically, PH was elected to fix these problems.

Malaysia can’t seem like an attractive business proposition with our troubled nation in full parade, especially when investors have many countries to choose from.

The country’s economy for the next two years will be turbulent, but forming the Economic Action Council is a good start to indicate that we intend to tackle the issues together, with public and private participation.

The Prime Minister has made the right move, but the EAC must run fast to come up with confidence-building measures.

Against the backdrop of a challenging environment for global equity markets and a US-China trade war, Malaysia has continued to tread on a steady economic path. It’s slower than we want to, but at least a recession isn’t looming.

Finance Minister Lim Guan Eng must continue his positive tones, as he has finally been doing, to renew confidence both locally and internationally.

The idea of revenue through taxation should be canned, but grumblings among the small base of individual taxpayers is ringing out loud.

It’s unfair to keep scrapping for crumbs from these taxpayers. A more progressive tax regime should be in place. Give it a name if necessary, but importantly, a firmer consumption tax is required because it will be fairer. It’s simple, if you don’t spend, you don’t pay.

In a way, it needs to be balanced out since individuals can’t be paying both income tax and consumption tax.

Lim has taken the right direction to keep selling the messages of how Malaysia has introduced policies and measures to invigorate the capital market.

“Our stock market has remained resilient in comparison with our peers in Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong and China.

“Amidst large capital outflows among emerging markets and Asean countries this year, the FBM KLCI benchmark index registered a year-to-date decline of 5.8% as at end-November, compared with other Asian markets that have experienced declines ranging from 9.1% to 22.7%.

“And, we are the second-best performing stock market in the Asia Pacific region,” he said recently.

There is other good news which we’ve yet to shout out loud enough for, like Malaysia currently ranking 15 from 190 economies in its facilitation of commerce, according to the latest World Bank annual ratings.

Malaysia’s ranking improved to 15 in 2018 from 24 in 2017. Ease of Doing Business in Malaysia averaged 18.18 from 2008 until 2018, reaching an all-time high of 24 in 2017 and a record low of 6 in 2013, it was reported.

Although we may have lost crucial time, we still have a year to make Malaysia look good because two major events take place next year.

Highlights for 2020 include Malaysia celebrating Visit Malaysia Year, and hosting the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (Apec) leaders’ summit, some 22 years after doing so for the first time.

Let’s do it right and make Malaysia proud. It’s not just an occasion befitting Dr Mahathir, but all Malaysians as stakeholders.

The government’s proverbial tale of empty pockets isn’t an excuse anymore. It just doesn’t work that way. If we need to spend, we need to find the money, because we expect a return on investments.

We need to tell a good story internationally, it’s that simple.

However, the lack of momentum to galvanise the nation hasn’t been motivational.

The world doesn’t want to keep hearing our negative stories and neither do Malaysians.

Tell the world we have fixed it and now we’re on the road again.

Come May, and it’ll be crunch time for underachieving ministers.

Everyone invariably tries their best, but those who are unfit just shouldn’t get the nod. After all, the last thing PH needs is painting a picture of a failed administration, but the coalition should be wary of many Malaysians believing the Barisan government fared better.

It’s unfair how some ministers are passing the buck to the PM because they lack the confidence to decide or are just indecisive because the responsibilities of their portfolios exceed their ability.

Visitors to Dr Mahathir’s office have noticed the growing mountain of uncleared documents, which is surely too much a task for anyone, what more a 93-year-old man.

We need to take advantage of the new Malaysia to construct a fresh national narrative which emphasises Malaysia and Malaysians.

There is a need to build national pride over the coming years, one which makes trust and integrity its main framework.

A shared vision beyond 2020 is crucial. Also, to bring Malaysians together and not let race and religion hijack the national discourse.

The question now is, do our leaders have the gumption for this, or will they just let New Malaysia be another piped dream?

By the time world leaders take the stage in KL, Malaysia should be ready to display a new sense of direction, purpose and plan.

A political year will soon be up, so the honeymoon’s truly over. How has New Malaysia’s government fared? With the indiscretions rolling out, that’s coffee shop talk right now.

DATUK A. Kadir Jasin (pic) is no ordinary journalist. He’s not just a highly respected veteran newsman with many accolades, but special advisor to the Prime Minister, too. He is also a supreme council member of Parti Pribumi Bersatu Malaysia.

So he is close to the powers that be, but unlike the politicians in his party, the 71-year-old is still very much a newsman, so ink probably still runs through his veins.

And some would say, Kadir has always been frank, but last week, he went a notch further. He was brutal, to be more specific.

He must have been inundated with phone calls and messages for having likely stepped on many toes, especially those of Cabinet members. Writing in his personal blog last week, he said the Prime Minister’s move to create the Economic Action Council could be due to his machinery’s inability to take care of Malaysians’ needs.

He said there were “implicit and explicit” reasons behind Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad forming the EAC.

“The explicit reason is Dr Mahathir needs a special body to scrutinise and decide on matters related to pertinent and urgent issues about the economy, finance and welfare of the people. The implicit reason is that the PM is directly admitting that the current machinery, especially the Cabinet, is not enough to handle the issues mentioned.

“We don’t need to pretend merely to protect the feelings of anyone or any party. The reality is that after eight months governing the country, the Pakatan Harapan administration has not produced any tangible result for the public to feel it,” he wrote.

Kadir said the country’s financial and economic situation was already challenged due to the damaged legacy of the Barisan Nasional government.

He said there was no need “to beat around the bush” as many Malaysians were becoming disappointed with the government’s performance, and that of its Cabinet ministers and civil servants.

“I know many people know that the PM himself is not too happy or satisfied with the performance of the Cabinet ministers. It can be said that every time he meets the people and reporters, he is constantly asked about the competency of the ministers, ministers who rarely go to the ground, those who often take selfies with their officers, ministers who are hard to meet or those who aren’t truthful about their personal matters,” he added.

I disagree with his assessment that the EAC was set up because the Cabinet hasn’t been able to cope with those issues. Like the previous National Economic Action Council, this body has included respected economists and key influencers of the private sector.

It may lack members from the private sector, especially entrepreneurs, and the younger set, but this EAC is a good one that’s perhaps long overdue, especially with the coming two years looking turbulent. No one, not even the PM, has given a clear direction to the country how we intend to sail through these rough seas, and these uncertainties have also generated much concern in business circles.

Our politicians, including key Cabinet members, seem to infer that they are too busy politicking to draw up clear policies.

But Kadir is right. There is a strong sentiment that some ministers are not performing, or plainly put, are unable to manage their jobs.

It’s now clear how some of them don’t fit their portfolios, not because they aren’t clever or are incapable, but perhaps it isn’t aligned with their abilities, interests, social skills or even personalities. It’s a mismatch, and as the first anniversary of the Pakatan Harapan government in May approaches, the perception is that the first PH Cabinet was hastily cobbled together with insufficient thought, the effects of which can now be seen.

A couple of ministers are still in opposition mode and out to settle old scores, remaining shackled to the past. Names have also been bandied in Putrajaya of ministers who brushed aside the senior government officers in their ministries, and in some instances, allegedly doing so through racial prejudice and bias.

Kadir, as an adviser, has obviously informed Dr Mahathir of the ground-level grumbling and its steady increase in volume. There are two layers of resentment – the powerful political and business elites, a lot who think that not enough has been done.

Yes, reforms to the various institutions, crackdowns on corruption and wider involvement of Malaysians in key government roles, have brought fresh changes, but that won’t pay the bills because the economy is in dire straits.

At the lower end of the workforce, salaried workers, Felda settlers, farmers and low-ranking civil servants are struggling to make ends meet. They aren’t interested in inherited problems and additional corruption charges against Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak because they are more worried about putting food on the table for their families.

The PH government surely should know by now why Najib has gained the support of lower income Malaysians, and what should worry PH is that most of them are Malays from both urban and rural areas.

In the 2018 general election, only 25-30% of Malays voted for PH, according to the Merdeka Center while 35-40% voted for Barisan Nasional and 30-33% supported PAS. So that explains the impact of Umno and PAS working together.

On the other hand, about 95% of Chinese voters chose PH, or more specifically, the DAP, and 70-75% of Indians voted for PH. Malay leaders in PH have privately admitted that the 25-30% from the Malay votes have declined since then. If this 20-35% is enough to cause the Barisan fall, think about the consequences if the decline continues.

Recently, DAP leader Lim Kit Siang disputed a survey claiming that nearly 60% of Malays were not happy with the performance of the PH government. He said the survey didn’t reflect the true situation.

“Ilham Centre/Penang Institute survey cannot be a correct reflection of the situation in the country as not even 1% of non-Muslims in any survey will believe that non-Muslims are now in control of the government and that DAP is calling the shots in Putrajaya,” the DAP adviser said in a statement on Feb 2.

Lim was responding to a report on a joint survey conducted by independent research firm Ilham Centre, said to be linked to some Parti Amanah Negara leaders, and Penang Institute, a think tank funded by the Penang government. They found that 60% of the respondents believed that non-Muslims were now in control of the government and that the DAP was running the show. The survey interviewed 2,614 Malay respondents between Oct 24 and Dec 24 last year.

Lim said if a similar survey were to be conducted among non-Muslims, then a substantial number of non-Muslims would be very supportive of the government since they are now supposedly in control of the government. But this is far from being the real situation.

Unfortunately, though, politics isn’t about human rationality, as Yuval Noah Harari wrote in his best seller, 21 Lessons for the 21st Century.

“If democracy were a matter of rational decision making, there would be absolutely no reason to give all people equal voting rights – or perhaps any voting rights. There is ample evidence that some people are far more knowledgeable and rational than others, certainly when it comes to specific economic and political questions.

“In the wake of the Brexit vote, eminent biologist Richard Dawkins protested that the vast majority of the British public – including himself – should never have been asked to vote in the referendum, because they lacked the necessary background in economics and political science,” he wrote.

And in Malaysia, the sad reality is that the race and religion cards work, and politicians, even those in PH, have regularly used them to win votes. It may be news to some non-Malays but there are many Malays who are not happy that the Chief Justice and Attorney-General are not Muslims, fearful that the rights of Muslims would be affected. The euphoria of a supposedly New Malaysia is now turning out to be a mirage after all, and in the battle to win or retain Malay votes, we can expect realpolitik – politics based on practical objectives rather than on ideals – to rear its head.

It is possible to get very close to the primates in Rwanda, but only when your ranger gives the all clear.

It is possible to get very close to the primates in Rwanda, but only when your ranger gives the all clear.

To avoid slipping on the proverbial banana skin by losing out on ecotourism revenue, Tourism Malaysia must first put its best foot forward.

I HAD never heard of Buhoma, a one-street village along the border of Uganda and Congo, until I visited the Bwindi Impenetrable National Park in the north-eastern part of the sprawling forest to trek for gorillas.

The gorilla families living just behind this obscure village apart, nothing else there piqued my interest.

Not even the slight Pygmies – who average 155cm, or about five feet in height – or the more appropriately called Batwa people, living around the Buhoma village.

Well, perhaps one little interest – to learn how locals made gin from bananas. The brew is called Waragi, a name derived from “War Gin”, a tag earned by Ugandan soldiers who returned from World War II. They even have beer made from bananas.

Certainly, the banana is their staple. They eat bananas in all forms all through the day, with over 50 varieties to choose from.

When I asked my guide-driver, who endured an exhaustive day at the wheel, what he would be having for dinner, he broke into a big smile and said: “Boss, I am having bananas for dinner.”

The next day, I asked him what he had for breakfast, and again, it was the same facial expression and joy, and again, he repeated: “Boss, I had bananas for breakfast.”

At this point, he asked me, if Malaysia had bananas. I told him, of course we have bananas. I was also very tempted to tell him that Malaysia was in danger of becoming a banana republic if its politicians don’t stop monkeying around with its people’s money.

But I thought that would be too complicated to explain, and I also didn’t want to ruin my stay by relating the looting escapades of an infamous Malaysian fat boy.

What happened next surprised me.

“I know Malaysia! I love Cardiff!” – and I was stunned. We were standing in the middle of this God-forsaken village, with dust flung in the air every time a four-wheel vehicle drove past us on this untarred orange-coloured dirt road. And right there, he asks me about Malaysia because he has seen the word emblazoned on the jerseys of the Cardiff football team.

At this point, I whipped out my phone and sent him into a frenzy when I showed him a picture of me and Cardiff boss Tan Sri Vincent Tan, decked in the club’s jersey.

And he even knew Tan Sri Tony Fernandes, Queens Park Rangers and the Malaysia link. And all because of football.

Thanks to technology, he gets to watch most of the English Premier League matches, providing him in-depth knowledge of the people behind these clubs.

So, Malaysia is known around the world because of football, and Cardiff FC is not even in the top tier of the table. Malaysia may be hosting Visit Malaysia Year in 2020, but there’s not a single sen from Tourism Malaysia for the free publicity.

By now, EPL followers must have seen the “Visit Rwanda” tourist board logo all over the stadiums and for sure, on the sleeves of Arsenal players.

These are multi-million-ringgit deals, because for Rwanda, tourism is the biggest foreign exchange earner in the East African nation.

No doubt, president Paul Kagame’s £30m (RM158mil) sponsorship has come under fire from critics unfamiliar with Rwanda, those stuck in time with its impoverished history and images of the 1994 genocide.

But Rwanda has moved on, especially since its tourism industry offers lakeside resorts and walks with mountain gorillas. An expert estimates that a £30m investment could generate £300m (RM1.58bil) in new revenue.

The capital, Kigali, is regarded the safest and cleanest city in the entire African continent.

If airlines touching down at KLIA warn passengers about drug trafficking being a serious offence which carries the death sentence, in Rwanda, we were warned that the possession of plastic bags is an offence.

Plastic bags have been banned in Rwanda since 2008, and here in Malaysia, we are still shamefully struggling with doing away with it. Yet, many of us continue to think we are much better than Rwanda, at least environmentally.

Upon arrival, visitors see large signs which read: “Use of non-biodegradable polythene bags is prohibited”. And, of course, our luggage was dutifully searched.

Besides the government’s commitment, Rwanda is acutely aware that tourists visiting the country are likely to be environmentally conscious.

They are there to see the gorillas, and not skyscrapers or glitzy shopping malls.

Rwanda’s tourism is reportedly on an upward trajectory, earning US$438mil (RM2.3bil) in revenue in 2017, up from the US$404m (RM2.1bil) recorded in 2016.

The truth of the matter is, the EPL is the most-watched sports league in the world, broadcast in 212 territories to 643 million homes with a potential TV audience of 4.7billion people. That’s a staggering figure.

Another report has it that “an average game is watched by over 12 million people. With these astonishing numbers, the EPL has every right to call itself the most popular league in the world.

“In comparison, its closest rival, Spain’s La Liga, draws an average of just over 2 million fans per game.

“That league’s top two teams, Real Madrid and Barcelona, negotiate their own TV contracts since they are able to get more money from the global TV audiences than selling La Liga as a whole.

“Other top European national leagues also languish in comparison to the English league. Italy’s Serie A draws 4.5 million viewers for an average game and Germany’s Bundesliga is roughly 2 million viewers.”

In 2017, Tourism Malaysia was lambasted – and rightly so too – by Malaysians for selecting Barcelona striker Luis Suarez as its tourism ambassador.

It was a horribly bad decision, and until now, we still have no idea how much we paid this bad boy of football.

Adding insult to injury, the videos that accompanied Suarez were embarrassingly bad, too.

Then Tourism and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz defended the move, saying the star player’s social media status was undeniable.

“He has 25.3 million followers on Instagram, 18.9 million on Facebook and 12.4 million people following him on Twitter.”

“The statistics say that he is a popular player. We sometimes don’t understand how fans think. What is important is the statistics,” he explained.

Well, if statistics are important, why were Malaysians not privy to the ROI – return of investment – from the Suarez saga, and why the secret over how much taxpayers had to fork out for this footballer?

It’s very simple, if we are serious about getting tourists to come to Malaysia in 2020, we have to spend – wisely – and not pour into the pockets of crooks.

Even Rwanda understands that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, and that big bananas are needed to get the world to see the gorillas. For us though, goreng pisang will get us nowhere.

EIGHT CNY dilemmas of modern Malaysian families (but not widely talked about to preserve family harmony):

CNY reunion dinner outside

It’s not just a trend but has become a near necessity for CNY reunion dinners to be held at restaurants. Yes, traditionally, the CNY is a time to gather with loved ones, to catch up with one another and spend limited but quality time feasting on good home-cooked meals.

But more and more of such home dinners are no longer practical and instead, only good for CNY videos. The reality is that most family members feel it’s unfair to burden their ageing mothers to cook up a feast.

Most of the adult children, along with their spouses, are already too exhausted to help in the kitchen after the long journey home. The wives are also career spouses and for many, culinary skills are not high up in their resumes.

Then comes the uncomfortable part – watching to see which family members pitch in with doing the dishes. This is the contentious, if not resented moment, when long faces can easily prevail.

The more affluent will delegate the tasks to their maids, but those without such domestic help will end up at the sink, as part of the shared workload for those on the wrong side of the economy.

This is when the ears of their husbands burn red, complaints from their wives turning vicious while their poor siblings soak in the ire. Invariably, the obligatory threats of boycotting next year’s CNY reunion dinner will be rolled out.

So, to avoid a domestic squabble on the scale of a US-China trade feud and to preserve family harmony, and more significantly, to let the poor old matriarch enjoy her well-deserved rest, reunion dinners largely end up at hotels or their respective restaurants.

But like a bad or good CNY movie (depending on perspective), the show never ends without the entire clan expecting the newly well-heeled son to pay for these lavish dinners. Well, he has done well mah, he should pay for the CNY dinner lah. He paid so much income tax already, pay for dinners can die meh?

Putting up at the family home – no negotiation!

You may be a billionaire Tan Sri, but come CNY, your parents expect you to stay at the family home with all your siblings and their children. Don’t even think of staying at a hotel – more so if you originate from a sleepy hollow New Village in some obscure district. A simple budget hotel nearby may not even exist!

Putting up in a three-bedroom home with six or more siblings and their kids will be a Team Building exercise you never signed up for.

Don’t even whisper, and I mean whisper, about the bedrooms not being air conditioned, even if the seasonal stifling heat can be excruciating. The zinc-roofed new village dwelling isn’t exactly the best home stay, but wah, now complain so much.

“Last time, can stay in new village home, but now rich already in KL, want air condition. Action already, mah” – that’s the kind of remarks that will be unleashed if you aren’t careful with your behaviour. Sensitive. Sensitive. Sensitive.

Or worse!

“Oh, now got money already. Cannot stay in the house anymore. Must stay in hotel. Only show face during dinner and after that cabut. Home not good enough for him already.”

Whoa! That’s even more piercing than a callous remark.

But it’s a good CNY practice – never ever forget your humble roots, and your parents who put you where you are now.

How much should an ang pow be?

“Ah Pa, how much angpow money you gave *******? How come your brother gave me only RM10? RM10 can do what? Some more, I am the only child mah.”

Gulp. How to reply? Quick, think fast. Preserve the peace.

“Ah Boy, don’t compare lah. It isn’t how much. It doesn’t matter. It’s tradition. Just smile and say thank you. Never compare, ok? Good. You listen to Ah Pa, good boy! “

Ah Boy is, however, still upset and can’t comprehend his father’s logic or noble efforts at maintaining family harmony.

But that’s when the spanner gets thrown in the works with the wife wading into the debate.

“Dear ah, why is your brother like that one? We give his son RM50 and he gave our boy only RM10. What is this? Every year also like this. Last year, he blamed GST. Now, he blames SST.”

To keep the crockery on the shelves and not airborne, there are times it’s best that no words are uttered, especially when facing a losing battle. Well, that’s what Sun Tzu says in the Art of War, and he specifically insisted that in a war with wives, the husbands can never ever win.

Recycled CNY hampers

Abalone from CNY hampers are to be kept while the “fake abalones” – limpets and clams – which are just aquatic snails, will have to be redirected elsewhere. And what is this “clams in brine”? Australians, Kiwis and South Africans must take us for idiots because brine in simple English means high concentration of salt. And not some expensive, high quality XO sauce made from dried scallops.

Abalone mushroom. That’s not abalone lah. Give away.

Please give away all the sugar stuff “wah, no more carbonated water, no more cans of longan and lychee in syrup water for CNY this year. All very health conscious. No sugar please, ok?”

But never mind, keep the good wines. I know, wine also has high sugar content but keep, keep, keep. Expensive stuff. Yes, yes, I promise I won’t drink. Ya ya ya, don’t nag lah, I know high sugar level, but wines are expensive. Don’t give it away.

And make sure, don’t give away the whiskey. Whiskey doesn’t have sugar. I Google already. Confirmed no sugar lah.

Pointless reunion with ex-classmates

CNY is always a good time to reconnect with former school mates. It’s an occasion to reminisce on our formative years. The cheeky, naughty times in school, disappearing acts, school yard fights, girl friends from the school next door, the Boy Scout days of dating Girl Guides, losing battles against zits, raging hormones, the copying (er… cheating) during exams, and many other school day misadventures.

The only problem with such meetings, though, is that some of us haven’t grown up, incredibly, behaving and talking like the childish Fifth Formers we once were. And of course, there are also plenty of episodes we will now choose to forget, deny or blame on the misrepresentation of facts.

For those of us who believe we are still young, we can’t help but notice how we’re kidding ourselves.

The receding hairlines of our friends (some now grandfathers), a few after their second divorce and facing the pain of paying alimony, or the couple or so in jail or waiting to be jailed despite their brilliance (which unfortunately led them down a dark path) are sobering reminders of life’s many pains. Quite a few of them have, sadly, even “checked into” Batu Gantong in Penang or Semenyih in Selangor.

“Aiyo passed way already?”

It’s just too much to hear and see, all within the three-hour dinner.

Or worse, to hear this:

“Wah, your girlfriend in school, remember or not? So damn hot leh. But I checked her FB, now very fat already. Very aunty. I show you.”

That came from a former school mate who is himself fat and very “uncle”.

And despite the myth that single people, especially women, are queried at family CNY gatherings and school reunions, the true question is usually – “Wah, you marry again!” and not “why are you still not married?”

The “Professor Dr Feng Shui Master” at every CNY

Call me cynical, but I can’t understand why so many Feng Shui masters call themselves professors and doctors. No one knows, and they themselves probably don’t know they are identified as professors, or what doctoral thesis they undertook to earn themselves these titles. It seems that tags like master or sifu aren’t good enough.

There’s no escaping – they seem to be relentlessly interviewed by the media.

It’s always the Prof Dr Uncle, and sometimes these days, Aunty, talking about the year’s prospects for each zodiac sign. I’d like to hear one of them say that we will all make plenty of money this year, the profits will be insanely high, the stock markets will go 100% bullish, and that we should invest in property because Bank Negara will relax housing loan rules. I’d also like to hear about how Donald Trump is crazy about Chinese food and not burgers, and that I will not have to continue to labour like an ox, which is coincidentally (and conveniently) my zodiac sign.

The bragging family member

This is the worst of the family lineage. This is the person who talks loudly (completely unsolicited) about his overseas trips on cruises in the seven, or even eight seas.

He’s the one who waxes lyrical about his business acumen, foray into fintech, cryptocurrency and block chain technology, which the rest of us are too idiotic to understand, thus revealing that we earn less than him, or so it’s made to seem.

He wonders why so many of us kill ourselves in universities while he manages with a Form Three education – and is now hiring MBA scholars to think and work for him to make his pile while we forever remain cautious and doomed as the urban, poor middle-class Malaysians.

Are the CNY holidays over yet? Two days only, right? Must go back to KL soon, mother!

Fatt! Fatt! Huat ah! Huat ah!

Everything must be good during the CNY. Every fruit, every wish, every colour, every dish, every drink must be associated with prosperity and luck. That’s what the CNY celebrations are all about, and at every Yee Sang tossing, we make the same wishes.

That’s all every Chinese does, a phenomenon not just restricted to these parts, but synonymous with any part of the Chinese world across the globe.

The number 8 is infinitely important because it has a similar pronunciation, whether in Mandarin or Cantonese, with wealth or fortune. This number is very welcome for the Chinese, and certainly a good way to conclude this week’s article.

These are the CNY celebrations, and it is surely auspicious to end with point No 8 for prosperity reasons, and also, I’m scratching the bottom of the barrel for witty ideas here.

The characters and situations above are fictitious and merely meant to tickle the funny bone. Any resemblance to any persons (living or dead that’s what it says at the end of movies, right?) or situations is purely coincidental. It’s also designed to reflect the wit and humour of CNY. Apologies in advance if these reflections cause indigestion, mental trauma or physical discomfort – they were not by design, but by accident.

Here’s wishing everyone Keong Hee Huat Chye, in true Penang tradition, so that northern Hokkien is kept alive and kicking!

Children admiring a Hokkien glove puppet theatre performing ‘Journey to the West’ on a portable wooden stage at the Little Penang Street Market.

Its decline has been progressive, but Penang’s Hokkien heritage is at its closest to death’s door as 2019 takes off.

LAST week, I returned to my hometown, Penang, to celebrate Chinese New Year. The family reunion meal with my father (who turns 94 this year) and (87-year-old) mother is an annual event I always look forward to.

It’s not possible to have my brothers (now in their mid-60s to 70 years old), their wives, children and grandchildren with us at the family event every time, but we get as many of them as we can. I have made it a point to host these pre-CNY meals because for the last few years, I have avoided being in Penang during the first two days of the actual celebrations.

That’s when Penang island’s roads get choked up and traffic comes to a complete standstill, the city desperately dealing with the homecoming of Penangites and tourists, especially during the second day of CNY.

The temperature on the island during the CNY season always seems to spike and at times, the scorching heat is almost unbearable. And that’s another reason why I withdraw from the otherwise lovely island during this festive period. As much as I yearn for my Penang hawker fare, I don’t want to jostle for a plate of char koay teow with tourists. But on this recent trip home, it hit me that I have become a stranger in my proud Hokkien-speaking island. The loss of the distinct northern-accented Hokkien has been apparent in the last few years but now it looks like its death may come sooner than feared.

It’s worse for a “banana” like me – a term to denote a person of Chinese origin who can’t speak or write Chinese, and instead, identifies more with Western culture. The term is derived from the fruit, which is “yellow on the outside, white on the inside”.

Those like me are regarded a disgrace to the Chinese-speaking community because I can’t read or write Chinese or speak Mandarin.

Their horror turns to disgust when I confess that I can’t even write my name in Chinese.

My decade of education was at St Xavier’s Institution, a Catholic establishment, and despite the religious background of the premier school, it had a liberal and open- minded culture that moulded most of its students, and this, us former students are enormously grateful for and proud of.

The multi-ethnic mix of the school’s population also means we had real friends from all races, developed and tested over a decade. So we always felt sorry for those who studied in Chinese, Tamil or Islamic-based schools then, because we felt their set up was mono-ethnic. And no matter how much the products of these schools claim they had friends from other races, we know they didn’t have the deep ties or bonds that those of us in English-medium schools developed.

Fast forward to 2019! Just like The Last Of The Mohicans – the James Fenimore Cooper historical novel realised in the 1992 movie about the last members of the dying Native American tribe, the Mohicans – it dawned on me last week that I could well be among the Last Of The Bananas in Malaysia.

At the Air Itam wet market, I asked for the price of the thee kuih, or kuih bakul, in Hokkein and the stall keeper, in turn, replied: “Oh, nee yau (you want) nian gao.”

A few steps away, another trader was loudly hawking ang pow packets, which, in previous times, would be referred to as “ang pow long” (red packets), but this time, I was hearing “hong bao feng”.

By the time I sat down at a coffee shop, the waiter was already taking down my order, again, in Mandarin, and quoting prices in that language, too. It was no longer “kopi” but “ka fei” now.

If there’s one clear feature that separates Penangites from the rest of the ethnic Chinese in Malaysia, it has always been the melodious Hokkien, with its rich sprinkling of Malay words that reveals its nonya-baba linguistic roots.

Penangites – at least from the older generation – are fiercely proud of their Hokkien, as it completely differs from the one spoken in Singapore, Taiwan or Xiamen in China, and even that in Melaka or Johor. Call us smug, snooty or parochial but we sometimes dismiss the Hokkien spoken elsewhere as somewhat crass and unrefined.

Only the Hokkien spoken by the Chinese in Medan closely mirrors Penang Hokkien, presumably because of the proximity between the island and the Indonesian city.

Whether rightly or wrongly, or plainly out of ignorance, Penangites feel the sing-song delivery is easier on the ears.

Words such as balai (police station), balu (just now), bangku (stool), batu (stone), cilaka/celaka (damn it), campur (to mix), jamban (toilet), gatai/gatal (itchy) gili/geli (creepy), sabun (soap) and kesian (pity), are an integral part of the Penang Hokkien dialect.

If the person is not from Penang, then he or she is likely from Kedah, Perlis or Taiping in Perak, to be able to converse in the northern-accented Hokkien. Which brings me to my point: As the daily use of the dialect is rapidly being replaced by Mandarin, I am feeling the impact the most. It is worse for the “bananas” who are feeling lost and out of place – in their home town.

It doesn’t help that many of the present Penang state and federal leaders aren’t from Penang, having been born and raised in either Melaka, Johor or Selangor.

The Penang Monthly bulletin, in its May 2017 issue, dramatically headlined the situation: “Penang Hokkien on life support”.

In an interview with the publication, Penang Hokkien Language Association secretary Ooi Kee How lamented that “our creativity, our cultural identity, will decline. A lot of innovations will disappear, because different languages shape the way we think differently.”

But the wide use of Mandarin and the decline of the dialects is not just endemic to Penang. Cantonese is spoken less in the Klang Valley, too, and is suffering the same sad fate as northern Hokkien. The random stranger who calls up, irritatingly “inviting” us to take up a loan having been “specially selected”, speaks to me in Mandarin because it’s assumed I can speak the language since I have a Chinese name. Likewise, the sales staff who stops us at the shopping mall also speaks to me in Mandarin, likely led by the same deduction.

So, as a “banana” who thinks and dreams in English, I am starting to suffer from anxiety. I am embarrassed by my inability to communicate in an important language – with huge economic value – and worse, the national language of my ancestral country.

At the rate, the Chinese language is being used, even by non-Chinese, I fear that I will be regarded illiterate in future. “Bananas” in the past ridiculed and mocked the Chinese-educated for not being able to speak English sufficiently, or roll their tongues well enough to produce the “r” sound, but now, it looks like the tables have turned on the “bananas”, instead.

A whole generation of Malaysian Chinese has been educated in Chinese schools, at least at primary level. It has been widely reported, from various surveys, that up to 90% of Chinese parents send their children to Chinese primary schools, and the balance to national medium schools.

As I have written here before, this is unlike the experience of the older generation of Penangites like me, now in their 50s, who attended schools using English as a medium of instruction. In the absence of Mandarin, we spoke mainly Hokkien and English, but people in their 30s and 40s are more comfortable conversing in Mandarin, and certainly not English.

Then there is the huge impact of Chinese TV shows, especially on Astro. They are entirely in Mandarin – with shows from mainland China and Taiwan – and Hokkien, which is spoken in a manner closer to that used in Melaka, Johor and Singapore.

It’s no surprise that the sales staff at malls also expect the Chinese community to speak Mandarin, and understandably, they will begin the conversation in Mandarin – because you are expected to know the language.

There is also the impact of China as the new economic powerhouse of Asia, if not the world. Mandarin has become the dominant language with economic value, and certainly prestige. That’s how it is now, but this may well come at the expense of a rich heritage.

The harsh reality is that the unique “sing-song” style of Penang Hokkien might no longer be heard decades from now if this frightening trend continues. Even worse, what’s certain is that the “bananas” will be history very soon.

Well, what can I say, except to wish you “xin nian kwai le” (happy new year) and “gong xi fa cai” (may you attain greater wealth) this festive season!