Kept or not, they are bound to give us a good laugh as we herald 2014.
AS we say goodbye to 2013 and welcome 2014, here are 10 New Year resolutions for some Malaysian politicians. They are naturally meant to be broken, like most election promises.
Resolution No. 1: If I don’t have anything clever to say, I will not say anything.
This is probably one of the most difficult tasks for any politician. Politicians are required to say something. Anything. But there is always a way out, no matter how ridiculous I sound. I can always blame the press for asking me all sorts of questions in the first place.
Resolution No. 2: I will listen more attentively during Parliament debates.
Oh no! This is really a tough one! I know I can learn a lot from all the YBs, even those on the other side of the House. I can even agree with them, but come on, I need to get my name into the media. I need to act silly. I need to interrupt. I need to yell. Anything for my name to be printed in the papers.
Resolution No. 3: I will refrain from getting suspended from Parliament or State Assembly so I can go back to the courts to attend to my clients’ needs.
That’s unfair! Why is the press picking on the lawyers? Or has it become an obvious pattern already? Really? It’s that bad, ah?
Resolution No. 4: I will speak up on the importance of the English language for our children.
Of course, I will not keep this resolution. If I promote English, the rural voters will be upset. I need to appear to be a nationalist. I must fight for Malay rights. You understand, kan? The rural voters decide. Don’t be naive. I also need to champion the Chinese language mah. Also the Indian vote, so Tamil is important. English? Aiyah, that’s for the noisy urban voters. Anyway, I am sending all my children to UK to study. I am not being selfish. I am giving a chance to others, I sacrificed my children. Let other Malaysians get their places in universities. So I support English, ok? Jangan tanya banyak banyak.
Resolution No. 5: I will re-affirm to the voters that all the 2013 general election promises will be fulfilled including reducing the toll rates gradually.
Aiyoh, don’t be like that bro. 2013 lain, 2014 lain lah. Everything has gone up. Beyond our control. External factors. We must think of the long run. It’s good for us. Too much subsidies will not help us. Deficit is bad. Please understand.
Resolution No. 6: I promise to use more common sense in my political work.
This one isn’t too difficult. I always think of the common people. Priority to the common people.
Resolution No. 7: I will speak up for press freedom and the integrity of the media.
Of course, I value press freedom. I always support the media. But please remember to always write good, positive things about me and my party. You have a role to play. You must think of the country. If you write bad things, you must have an agenda. Political agenda, you know? But you can wallop my opponents, it’s ok. That is pointing out the truth.
Resolution No. 8: I will consider retiring from politics and give way to the young.
Please, please, please. It’s not that I do not know how to give up but the people want me to stay. My supporters say I cannot go. Perjuangan belum selesai. I need to fight for justice. Yes, it’s not about myself but for the rakyat. So I can’t give up. 60s is now the new 50s lah.
Resolution No. 9: I must remind the people to be prudent, spend less, save more. Don’t always ask for pay rise but talk more about productivity.
This one is good. Very good. Yes, we must cut down on spending. Jimat, jimat. But please don’t ask about the pay rise for elected representatives, ok? Naik sikit aje. Bukan besar. Tausah ungkit yang bukan bukan. Ok? Yes, where were we? Yes, we mustn’t always ask for pay rise. Ask how much more work we can do. Malaysians must be competitive and productive, you know?
Resolution No. 10: I will avoid words like “transformation”, “world class”, “transparent”, “robust,” CAT and colours like jingga and blue in every sentence of my speeches.
OK. OK. OK. I am bored myself. And I think my speechwriters sometimes also run out of ideas. I will do selfies this year, OK? At least, I will keep one New Year resolution!
Finally, wishing all my readers a very Happy New Year and that’s a real wish!