Many of us, particularly non-Muslim voters, never took seriously what PAS’ ultimate plan is. But now, we’re faced with the dreaded reality.

IF there’s one thing that PAS is consistent about, it has to be its ambition to set up an Islamic state and to implement hudud.

This is the basis of the Islamist party’s existence and struggle, and we have to give credit to its leaders for their continuous push for what they believe in.

But here’s the problem. Many of us, particularly non-Muslim voters, never took seriously what PAS’ ultimate plan is. Some of us don’t even believe it is a possibility.

For sure, many PAS candidates benefited from the non-Muslim votes, because they were contesting under the Pakatan Rakyat banner. The majority of these voters did not even have to subscribe to the party’s fundamental beliefs because their vote was not necessarily a vote for PAS but rather a vote against Barisan Nasional, in particular Umno. And they had legitimate grievances about the many policies which they felt discriminated against them.

It has been said that there are no permanent enemies in politics, and every election brings about partnerships that are always for short-term gains. Many non-Muslim voters, buoyed by the Pakatan’s success in the last two general elections, probably do not weigh the long-term political consequences of reducing the number of non-Muslim MPs in the ruling coalition.

They didn’t realise, or perhaps didn’t care, that by increasing the number of PAS MPs, they have emboldened the party to push for its ultimate goal. With their increased strength, even the Muslim MPs on the Barisan side will be put into a dilemma as to how they will vote. It is quite a different story if the Islamist party only has a few MPs in the House. No matter how vocal they are, they will not pursue the agenda because the numbers will not be in their favour.

There have been attempts to table the Private Member’s Bill to implement hudud in Kelantan previously but they were never pursued with the vigour that we see now. For both PKR and DAP, they can use semantics to argue about what their common stand is, but the reality is that they did not want to address this issue because their eyes were fixed on Putrajaya.

Many dismissed MCA’s campaign against an Islamic state during the general election as a bluff, and an over-exaggeration, and many were even hostile towards the party for raising it in the first place.

In the emotionally charged atmosphere of the 2013 general election, some non-Muslim voters even said the amputation of hands was “good” to fight crime! As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.

These voters openly campaigned for PAS, claiming that it was actually more “liberal” than Umno. They were happy to welcome these Muslim politicians into their churches and temples. The reality is that the “liberal” approach of one or two PAS leaders is not necessarily the stand of the party as a whole.

Most of these PAS leaders have lost their positions in the party polls and the ulamak have strengthened themselves to ensure that the party’s hardline plan remains on track.

That’s the reality in PAS. Or in any other party, for that matter. Any party member who tries to be different, or who go against the grain of the party leadership, will be shown the exit.

In the case of PAS, surely any form of flirtation with anything remotely liberal would not be tolerated by the conservative ones, who prefer to be in flowing robes and turbans, and not the Western suits worn by these upstarts.

Sure, we can argue that if all the non-Muslim MPs in the House have the full support of the Umno MPs, the Private Member’s Bill will not pass. That’s the key point – non-Muslims rely on Umno MPs to stall the Bill. The Prime Minister has said that Malaysians aren’t “ready” for such implementation.

But in the fight for Malay votes in an increasingly religious Malaysia, it will be very difficult if non-Muslim voters continue to swing towards PAS.

The harsh reality is that both Umno and PAS are determined to win the crucial Malay heartland, where being Islamic counts.

So we had Nasrudin Hassan Tantawi, a fiery PAS leader who made a reputation for himself calling for a ban on Valentine’s Day celebrations and all concerts, being voted in as the new MP for Temerloh in the last general election.

Who did the voters kick out? Barisan’s Datuk Saifuddin Abdullah, who is known for his open and moderate views.

Saifuddin was already facing pressure within his own party for his consistently liberal views. And in a semi-rural parliamentary constituency, it didn’t help that the non-Malay voters opted for PAS as well.

We can be sure that Nasrudin will be at the forefront of the parliamentary debate to push for the hudud bill.

Let’s take another case. Pakatan Rakyat women MPs, particularly the non-Muslims, already have their hands full dealing with Rantau Panjang MP Siti Zailah Mohd Yusoff.

She is known for insisting that the government should enact laws to prevent women from wearing “indecent” clothing. By her standards, half of the non-Muslim women would be in jail if she and her party had their way.

She created an uproar in Parliament with her statement that sexual crime would be reduced if women did not wear shorts and skimpy dresses. Of course, she didn’t explain how women in tudung (head cover) or children in rural areas got raped too.

And then there is Dr Shafee Abu Bakar, the state assemblyman for Bangi, who still ­managed to get himself re-elected in the 2013 elections despite his objections to any form of entertainment in his constituency, dismissing them as unwelcome in his place.

And what was he so deadly adamant to stop, presumably convinced that entertainment would lead to maksiat (immorality) or pergaulan bebas (mixing of the genders)? A mere cinema in Bangi.

If PAS has been consistent in pushing for Islamic laws, this writer has also been consistent in his objections against any religious-based parties. To put it simply, politicians should not be masquerading as religious figures. Leave politics to the politicians and ordinary people. It is the same for Christians, Buddhists or Hindus.

It becomes complicated when a pastor or a priest has the sole right to the pulpit and starts delivering a sermon with a political slant, with the rest of the worshippers trapped and forced to listen to the political monologue without any right of reply.

The Indonesians have finally got it right by starting to reject religious-based parties. But over here in Malaysia, the religious personalities seem to have become louder with their political utterances.

They should be focused on healing broken hearts and uplifting the spiritual needs of their flocks in their respective places of worship instead of dividing them further with their politics, assuming that everyone shares their love for certain political personalities.

Malaysia must remain secular and moderate. We need to keep away laws that would complicate Malaysia, which is already increasingly complicated.

No one could stop Karpal Singh from speaking up on what he believed in. He did not care if he was taking on the prime minister or even a sultan. He had taken on all of them.

SOME time in the middle of last year, I received a phone call from Karpal Singh. He offered to appear as a witness in support of me and this newspaper against a suit filed by a senior DAP official.

The veteran politician and lawyer, who saw my career grow from a rookie reporter to the group chief editor, told me not to worry.

The call was most surprising as it was unsolicited, and I had no intention of even fighting the case in court.

It’s an occupational hazard for the chief editor of any media group – he gets to be named as a defendant in many legal suits even though he has no direct hand in the offending story, which would have been written by a reporter and edited by the news editor or other editors.

While the chief editor is expected to take responsibility, it is near impossible for him to be aware of the hundreds, if not thousands, of news stories that appear daily in the newspapers and online portals. In most media groups, the other platforms include radio and television channels.

Karpal felt that the suit was unnecessary and unjustified. But I also didn’t want to be caught in the crossfire involving party rivalry either. If the case had gone to an open court, it would have been most unusual to have two party leaders slugging it out on opposite sides.

Common sense finally prevailed. The suit was withdrawn and the case closed after discussions between the lawyers. But that’s Karpal for you.

He had consistently spoken up against PAS and its objective of setting up an Islamic state and introducing hudud laws.

Not many of his party comrades were prepared to do that, especially before the 2013 general election, as they saw the possibility of Pakatan Rakyat forming the federal government. No one was prepared to put a dampener on Pakatan’s march to Putrajaya.

Both DAP and PKR would not want to make PAS look bad, which was already the line taken by the Barisan Nasional, especially the Chinese-based parties within the coalition.

But no one was going to stop Karpal from speaking up on what he believed in. It was a matter of principle, while others were more interested in political expediency.

Karpal’s concerns may have been right all along. Until last week, he was worried about what PAS was planning to do by wanting to push through a Private Member’s Bill to implement hudud in Kelantan. He had told the media that PAS appeared serious this time.

Those who have criticised Karpal for his non-compromise stand against hudud may have forgotten that in 1991 he had defended Halimatussaadiah Kamaruddin, a general clerk in the Perak State Legal Department, who was sacked for wearing the purdah to work.

She had been wearing the purdah since 1983 but a circular prohibiting women in the civil service from covering their face was issued in 1985.

Karpal had argued that it is the fundamental right of every citizen to profess and practise one’s religion, even in the workplace. The case went all the way to the then Supreme Court, but she lost.

Those who know Karpal would tell you that his principle was simple – he argued for the purdah, but he would also insist that no one has the right to tell others what to wear or not to wear as far as Malaysians are concerned.

In 2002, Karpal was asked to defend four Singaporean Muslims who were banned from wearing the tudung in a Singaporean school. Karpal was prepared to take up the case but the Singaporean government denied him a work visa, and banned him from practising on the island nation.

Karpal was always consistent when it came to fundamental rights guaranteed by the Constitution. He would have stood up against any attempt by any group who uses any form of religious argument to deny others their rights. He wouldn’t have tolerated it.

Beyond his legal work, which included many landmark cases, I have had the privilege of seeing Karpal in action at the Penang State Assembly and Dewan Rakyat, posing problems to his opponents on the government bench.

I saw him being removed from the Penang State Assembly when the debates became intense. In interviews in recent years, he said he considered only two persons worthy of being his opponents – the late Tun Dr Lim Chong Eu, who was Chief Minister of Penang from 1969 to 1990, and Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad, the former Prime Minister.

While Karpal frustrated Dr Lim, calling him all sorts of names from “scum” to “liar” to “old fox” at the assembly, which often resulted in the state opposition leader being thrown out, the Gerakan founder was equally good at dealing with him.

As Karpal played to the gallery with his rhetoric, Dr Lim would just close his eyes and smile, seemingly unperturbed by the uproar.

Once, when Karpal pointed out to the Speaker that Dr Lim was sleeping during the debate, Dr Lim opened his eyes, grinned, and closed his eyes again.

As Karpal recalled in the book, Karpal Singh, Tiger of Jelutong, written by Tim Donoghue, when he called Dr Lim “an old fox”, the latter corrected him by retorting “I am not an old fox. I am a very, very, very old fox.”

I remember Dr Lim telling me once, in jest, that Karpal Singh should be remembered as “Kepala Pusing” (Bahasa Malaysia for a big headache, in a play on his name Karpal Singh) for his political antics in the assembly.

The Penang Yang di-Pertua Negeri, Tun Abdul Rahman Abbas, was then the state assemblyman for Bertam and he sat next to Dr Lim by virtue of his then position as the most senior state executive councillor.

Always impeccably dressed, the former headmaster would join Dr Lim in the debate, but there was much class and finesse then. There was no animosity, and even as they jeered Karpal, they did so with smiles on their faces.

But Karpal, like everyone else, was also a mortal. For all the accolades that have been mentioned, Karpal was never known for his constituency work and in 1999, Barisan successfully used it against him and he lost in the elections.

His opponents in the Dewan Rakyat have also accused him of deliberately getting himself suspended so he could attend to his busy court schedule, but that has never been proven.

Veteran journalists have often asked Karpal privately to explain why he had chosen to defend Anwar Ibrahim on sodomy charges although he himself had purportedly spoken out strongly about the allegations in 1998 at a DAP ceramah.

My interaction with Karpal became less over the years as I took on senior management roles, leading to my appointment as group chief editor and then as managing director and chief executive officer of The Star media group.

But when I bumped into him occasionally at functions or at the airport, he never failed to ask me about my family, especially my daughter who is now sitting for her Bar exams. Family always remained important in his life.

Like many Malaysians, we will miss Karpal. The people saw him as someone they could count on to speak up against any form of injustice.

Karpal did not care if he was taking on the PM or even a Sultan. He had taken on all of them. He was also someone the media could count on to give his party upstarts “a piece of my mind” when he felt they had let power go into their heads.

I have had the privilege of knowing Karpal as a reporter, seeing him up close and personal. It has also been an honour to have Karpal and his family members as fellow Xaverians, a fact that I am mighty proud of.

Farewell, Karpal Singh.

Rightly or wrongly, many Malaysians are asking if the ‘conversion’ option is just a way for a new Muslim convert to gain custody of the children.

THE legal tussle involving a Muslim-convert father and the Hindu mother with both getting custody orders from two different courts has caught the attention of the nation. How the issue is resolved will have far-reaching implications for Malaysia.

The father, Izwan Abdullah or N.Viran before his conversion to Islam, had obtained a Syariah Court order to keep his son. The mother S. Deepa, on the other hand, has an order from the Civil Court overriding that order.

Here’s the catch – the Federal Constitution clearly states that both the Civil and Syariah courts have equal but separate powers.

Most Malaysians like to think that the civil court is the higher authority, but it is not as straightforward as that. On Islamic religious matters, it is the Syariah court that holds court. However, it is when the issues are not so clear-cut that problems will arise as to either court’s jurisdiction.

But how are the orders to be executed? This is where the police come in, and under the Police Act, our police officers are duty bound to execute orders issued by any “competent authority” and in this case, both courts fit into that interpretation. That has naturally put our police in a spot. More so, in this case, where it involves a father and mother of different faiths, with the child caught in the middle.

But let’s use some common sense here. Beyond the legal technicalities, this is an issue where all fair-minded and rational Malaysians want to see a solution tempered by justice and fair play, with doses of compassion thrown in. Our hearts and conscience need to resonate as one.

Izwan, or when he was Viran, entered into a civil marriage with Deepa. Conversion of one spouse into another religion, especially Islam, after such a civil marriage is not new. The issue surfaces now and then, which is why the Cabinet has made a decision that the religion of the children, when such a situation arises, must be the “common religion at the time of marriage”.

Are we now telling Malaysians that this has changed? Well, we would like to know how that happened and when it happened.

Let the children grow up and decide for themselves what religion they wish to profess. All religions are good as they teach the correct values. There are more commonalities than differences.

Surely, in Malaysia, if we are as religiously convicted as we want the world to believe, then we wouldn’t have that many social ills gripping our beloved country, especially corruption. It’s a great Malaysian contradiction.

What many Malaysians, especially the non-Muslims, are worried about is that if a marriage is on the rocks, and parents fight to gain custody of the children, there is nothing to stop one partner from converting to Islam simply to have the upper hand.

In the civil courts, lengthy arguments will have to be submitted before the court can rule which party takes custody of the children. The child’s best interest must be reconciled with the parent’s ability and resources.

Rightly or wrongly, many Malaysians are asking if the “conversion” option is just a way for a new Muslim convert to gain custody of the children.

Who are we, regardless of our religion, to judge whether a person has truly converted? Is it simply based on the passion the person has for his or her new-found faith? Or is conversion reflected by the way the person dresses or where he works?

We will never know because in all religions, there will be the so-called adherents who proclaim the faith, but act quite in the opposite direction.

To put it bluntly, no one should use religion as a tool – whether in politics or personal matters – to forward a power agenda or to escape the responsibilities of marriage.

In the case of Deepa, she is placed at a disadvantage because while her ex-husband can challenge her in the civil court, she cannot do likewise in the Syariah Court because she is a non-Muslim.

It is not good for the police to wash their hands off this matter because reports and counter reports would be lodged if this issue is allowed to drag on.

Izwan has allegedly said that the son is safe in his care, and that he has informed the police about the situation. He has also sent out the message that he has the protection of the law because of his conversion.

That is beside the point. We are all equal before the law.

Malaysians want to see justice. Irrespective of whether it is the Syariah or Civil Court, this is the fundamental principle that we all cherish. We need to get this right, for the sake of Malaysia.

A Filipino Navy boat patrolling waters off the coast of Sulu province in the Philippines, a day after the abduction of a Chinese tourist and a Filipino resort worker in Semporna, Sabah. – EPA

The abduction of a Chinese national in the pristine Singamata Reef Resort, off Semporna, Sabah, couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Malaysia.

IT couldn’t have happened at a worse time. While Malaysia grapples with the delicate task of trying to defuse the anger of China nationals over MH370, another incident throws all efforts to the wind – the abduction of a Chinese national in the pristine Singamata Reef Resort, off Semporna, Sabah.

The abduction by the notorious Abu Sayyaf group has already generated a fresh round of bad publicity. Talk is that Malaysia is not able to protect the safety of tourists.

Certainly, this will be hot news in China, Hong Kong and Taiwan. And it was barely five months ago that the same group shot dead a Taiwanese man and kidnapped his wife from Pom Pom Island, also in the same vicinity.

Following that attack, the Taiwanese media descended on Malaysia. The Eastern Sabah Security Command (Esscom), which is responsible for security in the area, came under heavy criticism.

The woman was rescued after 36 days and an official from Esscom said then that “the incident would not be repeated and that the security forces would work hard to ensure the Esszon (Eastern Sabah Security Zone) is safe”. The official also called on resort operators to cooperate fully with the security forces.

Well, the reality is that the group has struck again, and so soon after the previous incident. We’d better not hear our Malaysian officials say it won’t happen again.

And it was in February and March 2013 that a massive breach of security happened in Lahad Datu when 235 Sulu militants from the Philippines stormed into the village of Tanduo. The trial of 30 people involved in the incident is currently in progress in Kota Kinabalu.

These incidents show how vulnerable the area is, and how difficult it is for our security forces to protect the many resorts there that are highly popular with foreign tourists.

In some parts of Sabah, the Philippines is so near that their people can row their boats to Malaysia just for a game of football before heading home. This is not a joke, and urban folks in the Klang Valley probably cannot imagine how porous the international boundaries are in this part of the world.

But this writer, together with colleagues in Sabah, has visited some of these seaside villages, where most of the residents are Suluks. On a clear day, you can see parts of the Philippines with your naked eye.

It is clear to those familiar with such abductions that these criminals see such acts as nothing more than a business.

They will keep their victims for weeks, months or longer, depending on how fast or how slow the negotiations take place.

They know that the Malaysian Government would come under severe pressure to ensure the victims are returned safely. They certainly know our weak points.

Since the invasion of Lahad Datu, the Malaysian Government has sought to strengthen security through the formation of the Esscom, which covers 10 districts – Kudat, Kota Marudu, Pitas, Beluran, Sandakan, Kinabatangan, Lahad Datu, Kunak, Semporna and Tawau.

It’s obvious that all that has been done isn’t enough. Another security breach has taken place and all the promises to improve the security loopholes have failed.

The resorts need to do their part and help out our security forces. There have been complaints that some Western divers, who also run these resorts, do not want our security men around because they feel their presence would drive away tourists.

If that is the case, these operators should hire well-trained armed security men to protect the resorts. It should be a requirement. If they don’t, the bill should be sent to them. Yes, it costs a lot to carry out rescue operations.

The safety of tourists should be paramount. These island resorts may be secluded but in the Internet era, any news – good or bad – will spread swiftly over social media. News of the abduction, and how the safety of tourists has been compromised, would have gone viral by now, causing much damage to Malaysia’s reputation as a tourism hub.

The huge sums of money spent to promote Malaysia as a tourist destination would be wasted if we do not dedicate the same resources to ensure safety.

Tourists must be assured that they can travel and have a great holiday in our country without any fear.

We have maintained a fairly good reputation because the touts, hustlers and peddlers normally associated with tourism joints stay away. There are also no strip joints where customers are literally stripped of their money or have hefty bills presented to them by nasty-looking men.

True, there have been reports of snatch thieves and pickpockets targeting tourists but this is not unique to Malaysia. This writer experienced the same thing even in the Holy Land. The harsh reality is that not everyone is holy, even in the Holy Land.

The abduction of the China national has reminded us of the need for heavier army and police presence in Semporna and the surrounding areas.

These are world-class resorts and the presence of our security men would help show the world that we are serious in protecting them.

They must be seen on land and in the surrounding waters. It is an investment that will go a long way in sending the right message to the world even as we pray for the safe rescue of the kidnap victims.

A family member of missing relative on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 from China breaks down as she speaks to the media at Kuala Lumpur International Airport, Sepang, Selangor, Malaysia 19 March 2014. -EPA

Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done in the search for MH370 up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate.

THERE is a lot of anger and frustration out there, and understandably so. After three weeks, and despite the announcement that MH370 is deemed to have crashed in the remote southern Indian Ocean, there is still no closure in sight.

As we watch the images on our TV screens, and even via our smartphones, we can see that the search is intense and professional. After all, more than 26 countries are currently involved.

One recent TV broadcast commented that one of the reasons why so many countries are willing to chip in is that Malaysia is deemed to be a “friendly country” with friends who will always come forward to help.

The reality is that a full array of expertise and technology is currently being harnessed in the search for the plane.

But at the people level, emotions continue to run high. Amid speculation and suspicion, what is being done up to now is viewed by some people as inadequate. And when emotion gets in the way of reason, unpleasant scenes are bound to arise.

Personally, I have had enough of the persistent attacks on Malaysia as a country, and Malaysians as a collective whole. And I think all reasonable and rational Malaysians should speak up when abuses, verbal or otherwise, are hurled at our country.

We are not talking about criticisms against national leaders who have to take them in their stride. This is part of their job, after all, and I think it is also fair to point out the inadequacies of our frontline people when they fall short.

But why should ordinary Malaysians take the heat – for no reason whatsoever – over the disappearance of MH370?

Take, for example, the endless barrage of threats and emotionally-charged accusations coming from the country with the most number of passengers on board.

First of all, they have every right to be angry. And they can throw tantrums if that will make them feel better.

At times like this, the least we can do is to try and understand their anger and frustration.

But what I cannot understand is why is the situation being defined strictly as “us against them”?

Let’s not forget that there are 50 Malaysians among the passengers and crew. And the fact that this is a Malaysian Airlines plane puts us at the very pinnacle of the responsibility chain.

Malaysians grieving just as much

There are Malaysians who are grieving just as much because they have lost their friends and relatives. And as far as numbers go, we must also not forget that many Malaysians are now currently involved in one responsibility or another in taking care of the families of those affected by the tragedy.

Some faces have become so familiar over the past few weeks that they have practically become like family to us. And we are not talking only about the images of the victims plastered all over the newspapers.

This is not an aviation mystery that involves just one country. To be precise, those on board MH370 come from 14 countries.

But Malaysians are at the forefront to answer the queries, and many more are working in the background. All the daily abuses being hurled at our officials, who are already doing their best, are not going to help bring the plane back.

It is insane to suggest that the Malaysian government is, or Malaysians in general are, guilty of murder. This is when emotions have truly gone haywire.

And the condemnation of Malaysia Airlines has gone overboard. Point out the airline’s shortcomings in this present crisis, by all means, but one surely cannot be hysterical about the airline’s historical record.

There is only one blot on MAS’ flying record, but that happened in 1977.

And running down MAS in itself does not mean every other flight of every other airline is guaranteed safe. People will continue to fly, on MAS and other airways, despite the ongoing crisis.

Yes, we could have handled things better. We could have done a better job of crisis management in the early stage.

Yes, we slacked, but that’s simply because we have never had to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, whether natural or man-made.

Our leaders and officials have never been tested under such severe circumstances before. They’ve never had to face the international press up close and personal.

These are the people who not only ask tough questions but also some silly ones as well, like the reporter who asked our Acting Transport Minister if he is a cousin of the Prime Minister.

But we have to admit that our frontline people have learnt much along the way.

Conspiracy theories don’t help

The other matter that bothers me a lot is the accusation that we Malaysians are hiding information. That is something we regularly hear from the anguished family members and also the foreign media. But I was shocked that a Malaysian pilot with AirAsia X also made the same accusation on Facebook.

Seriously, Tan Sri Tony Fernandes, can you please give him your famous line, “You are fired!”

Whatever one may say about the disclosure of information, I must say that Acting Transport Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein has performed well.

He has handled all the questions posed, including even the personal one, professionally and in good English, which is something to be expected of a UK-trained lawyer.

I am glad that some of the uniformed personnel who appeared in the earlier media briefings have slipped into the background. Their poor command of English was certainly an unnecessary obstacle as we faced the world.

Much of the anger can also be attributed to the endless conspiracy theories flying all over cyberspace.

Not only are they false, but they also create unnecessary anger among those who may not fully know and understand the Malaysian environment.

Linking the pilot to the opposition and postulating the theory that he hijacked and crashed the plane is surely laughable, but the story did gain traction when even the print media picked it up.

It appears to me that the angry voices, even a minority, take on a life of their own because Malaysia is just a tiny country in the grand scheme of things.

That’s why it makes me a little sore because there’s such a thing called national integrity.

I believe many of us can no longer stand Malaysia and Malaysians being kicked around by these whimsical and loud protesters.

The search for physical evidence of MH370 is going on yet Malaysia is still being accused of doing a crappy job in the search and rescue operations.

As we can see for ourselves, there are 26 countries involved and, frankly, every country is eager to be the first to find something. As one analyst put it, each country is anxious to show off its “bragging” rights.

We need to be patient because every wrong announcement even from the right authorities will not help.

We may want to depend on the armchair analysts, including failed journalists, for quick information and analysis but these people are accountable to no one.

It is really tough because we are in a “damn if you do and damn if you don’t” scenario.

Our leaders get fired for holding press conferences that reveal little and they also get fired for not holding any press conference if they don’t have anything to share. For good measure, they end up being accused of hiding something.

In for the long haul

But the reality is that this is going to be a long haul.

Malaysia owes it to the families of those on board MH370 to search for the answers, no matter how long it takes.

The emotional outbursts are understandable. To lose an only child is surely painful, which explains why some nationality is taking it worse than others.

But the cursing, abusing and condemnation are not helping a bit.

Hurling empty water bottles at those trying their best to assist won’t bring back our loved ones.

Worse, demanding that our official kneel down and apologise is unbelievable.

Malaysians are decent, tolerant, forgiving and God-fearing people.

We may not be as efficient and competent to the level that others demand of us, but we all know what we have to do – and that includes providing answers to the families of many Malaysians on board MH370 as well.

Since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370, many people have become aviation and crisis management ‘experts’ overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

IT has been two weeks since the ­mysterious disappearance of MH370 and there is still no real clue although there is plenty of speculation. There are many theories being bandied about but no one has the answers.

But many people – Malaysians and other nationalities too, as well as members of the press – have become aviation and crisis manage­ment “experts” overnight, judging from the freewheeling comments on social media, especially on Facebook.

Here’s my roll call for the top 10 confusing stories that have emerged out of MH370.

Confusion No.1: The prize has to go to PAS politician Mahfuz Omar who declared that his fellow Pakatan Rakyat mates were ready to replace all 239 passengers and crew members on board as hostages if the plane was indeed hijacked. He really must have a great sense of humour.

At a glance, you would have thought he is terribly heroic but he quickly qualified himself by saying, in a rather outrageous way, that “if the plane was hijacked, there would have been negotiations by now”.

In simple language, he does not think the plane was hijacked. But if it wasn’t, then why was he talking about a hostage swap? Duh! Hello! Why do you even bother to make the declaration in the first place except to get some cheap publicity? We will be glad to send you some business tickets so you can be nearer to those in the cockpit.

And his Pakatan Rakyat mates have cleverly chosen to remain silent, obviously thinking to themselves that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to pack him off, alone, to save everyone the embarrassment.

Confusion No.2: The blonde French reporter who asked Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein to confirm that he is a cousin of the Prime Minister must have thought that she had cornered, trapped and exposed the Acting Transport Minister into having to admit the biggest scandal of all time! That the PM and Hishammuddin are close relatives! What a scoop!

We really do not know what she was thinking, if she was thinking in the first place, and really, what was in her head? But let’s forgive her. It must be jetlag from the long hours of flying. She may have missed her croissants but we can assure her that croissants are available in Malaysia. Delifrance, by the way, isn’t owned by Malaysians but by Singaporeans, so don’t blame us, again, if you find them not French enough.

Confusion No.3: The Daily Mail, known for its sensational journalism, claimed that Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah is a fanatical supporter of Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, implying that he had hijacked the plane for political reasons.

Now that’s really low. It’s a joke, but it’s not funny. Zaharie may have his political beliefs, which he is entitled to in a democracy, but that doesn’t make him a political kamikaze pilot. What if another person, well trained in aviation, had taken control of the cockpit? Has that thought ever occurred to The Daily Mail?

The Daily Mail report was enough to trigger an attack against the Malaysian Government for purportedly politicising the MH370 story! The Malaysian press was walloped for pointing out what The Daily Mail had done. Anwar appeared on CNN to join in the verbal riot – without pointing out that it started with this silly tabloid.

The reality is that from day one, the government, media and those who visited Zaharie’s open FB account had read and seen pictures of his involvement in PKR. It was never brought out because his political leanings are of no consequence, and we have to be respectful to a man in such a situation.

But I guess the critics are the same people who enjoy pouncing on the government for everything, including the continuing slide of Manchester United.

Ya lah, ini semua hal gomen, MU kalah lagi. Ini pasai PM sokong MU. Macam mana ni? Kalah lagi.

Confusion No.4: Malaysia is by now the most well-known country in the world. There is no way that Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin can go to their offices each morning without giving a thought to Malaysia. That’s a real morbid thought, unfortunately.

But some section of the international media, probably some researchers back at their base stations, are still struggling to ­figure out where Malaysia is.

CNN put Kuala Lumpur as a city in Indonesia on one occasion, and another TV station placed KL and the whole of the peninsula in Sabah and Sarawak. One TV station confused Melaka with Mecca, as its commentators lectured Malaysians for their incompetence.

Confusion No.5: The bomoh aka Raja Bomoh Sedunia Nujum VIP continues to be confused. By now he is known as a shaman, a medicine man, a rain maker or a snake oil salesman, and maybe a crocodile meat (and other parts) seller, too, after he threatened to slap Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin (KJ) “like a crocodile” for condemning his magic carpet ritual at KLIA.

Besides making Malaysia an international laughing stock, this bomoh has single-handedly created the biggest side show in modern aviation history and taken medical tourism to a new level.

He also made history in a single day by making “bomoh” one of the most Googled words. Malaysia Boleh, Raja Bomoh!

As a follow-up, a news portal reported that the urban dictionary defines a crocodile slap or “alligator slap” as “the act of slapping someone in the face with one’s penis”.

Now, this one has made many of us terribly confused! Is this Raja Bomoh Sedunia looking for some dried penis from a dead crocodile – in the cynical words of KJ in his tweet, kokedai – as part of the slapping ritual? KJ, as a politician, may be used to seeing crocodile tears being shed around him but he should not take this “crocodile slap” threat lightly. Just a penny for a thought.

Confusion No.6: Celebrity chef Datuk Redzuawan Ismail or Chef Wan would have realised by now that it is a tough act to come up with a good sequel. His earlier tweet that MAS had served “a very naked” nasi lemak with just a half-boiled egg and sambal (chilly paste) without the standard anchovies and peanuts generated much attention. But this time, he has been caught with his pants down.

A picture of himself, on his Instagram account, holding a door-like object which he linked to the search operation that is now focused on the southern Indian Ocean, has gone down badly with the public.

He had written: “2 objek di Perth dan satu ni I ingat kan ya ia sebahagian dari pintu kapal terbang MAS (two objects in Perth and this one I thought was part of the door of the MAS aircraft.

“Tapi setelah diteliti rupanya ianya sebahagian dari Pintu Jamban Rumah Cik Kiah di pantai Morib yang telah using rupanya. Adoi frustnya.

(But after inspection, it was actually part of Cik Kiah’s rundown toilet door at Morib beach. It’s really frustrating.)”

Chef Wan must have felt the heat and smoke from the kitchen. He must have smelt it – the burning smell – and even if he had been caught naked, he quickly put out the fire – he deleted his posting! Well, the lesson to learn is to be careful of what you are cooking.

Confusion No.7: It was a good read, that’s about it – pilgrim Raja Dalelah Raja Latife claiming she spotted a wreckage on the same day MH370 went missing. As the news report stated, pilots rubbished her claim.

But this determined lady lodged a police report and pointed out that she had just returned from the holy land, and that no one can accuse her of lying.

No one is accusing her of anything but many are doubtful. Thank you for the tip-off as all information is important. And thank you for taking the trouble to lodge a police report and alerting the media. You are a fine citizen for sure.

But unless one has bionic eyes or, in the case of the bomoh, uses bamboo binoculars with special Malaysian powers enhanced by Tongkat Ali and Power Roots, it is hard to look down and spot things from a 35,000ft altitude.

Poor lady, she must have been tired, like the French reporter, from all the travelling. She probably misses her nasi lemak, just as the French reporter misses her croissant.

Confusion No.8: By now, everyone is aware that Malaysian leaders are getting most of the rap for failing to come up with solid information. The confusion, in the initial stage, and how the whole thing has been managed have, of course, made us look bad.

But it is terribly unfair to accuse us of holding back, even hiding, information when there is nothing to offer in the first place. We have seen how horrendous it can be to share bits of information that turn out to be nothing.

The Chinese have found that out and now Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has, too. He called up the Malaysian and Chinese leaders to share the information that satellites had picked up images of two huge objects floating in the sea.

He excitedly told his Parliament, and the world thought this was the “most credible lead” so far, but it doesn’t look like “this is it” any more.

The poor guy has now seen himself going literally down under after the initial spotlight. Despite his many cautionary remarks that the images had not been verified, that has not stopped the barrage of criticisms from being hurled at him.

We believe, from satellite images picked up, that Abbott is now watching on YouTube clips of containers on vessels flying off in rough seas.

Confusion No.9: I know that many Malaysians believe in dreams. Sometimes they get confused, thinking that some Supreme Being is sending Whatsapp messages to their heads while they are sleeping.

So many of us in the media, including this writer, have been receiving messages, SMS, emails and phone calls from people who claim they have the exact GPS coordinates to locate the missing plane.

One said it is somewhere in Madagascar and another said it’s on top of Mount Everest.

One warned that if we did not deliver the images which had been transmitted to her head, she would report our incompetence to the PM and his cousin, Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

Call from aunty-sounding reader: “You don’t try to be funny, I can see you are laughing (note: I am actually covering my mouth but yes, she is right. I am laughing, in a technical sense, so maybe she can see things!) but I had a dream last night, the plane was flying over a mountain top, maybe it’s Mount Everest and maybe it’s in Kilimanjaro in Africa. I am not sure. But tell the leaders, quick!

“I could see the passengers and crew members in my dream. The images came to me like a radar or whatever you call it. “

Another sent me a YouTube posting of a religious leader predicting a Malaysian plane would go missing and said I should bring it up to the authorities too.

Thank you for sharing but we haven’t had time to check when he made the prediction.

I like Malaysians for their dreams. Who can blame us, the confused Malaysians, as our dreams do come true sometimes. Dreams have helped us to make up numbers for our Empat Ekor bets, and we actually strike and make money! Only in Malaysia lah, dreams do come true!

Confusion No.10: The media, again. By now, everyone is really exhausted. Not just tired, but flat out. Some foreign reporters are working during the early hours of 3am or 4am, according to their time zones.

Local reporters are too tired to sleep, sending out text messages to each other in the dead of the night, only to be up again at 6am to be on their job.

Last week, two foreign photographers snapped at each other. Editors and reporters are struggling to file stories with new angles in the absence of solid information.

Their families and loved ones are getting upset but that is nothing compared with the suffering and mental torture of the families of the missing passengers and crew members.

In the case of the media, it looks like we have come to a stage where “today’s news is there is no news”, as one foreign newscaster covering the crisis from KL said on air.

It is a horrible situation in many ways. The lack of credible leads and information has sparked off anger but as long as the plane is not found, it means there is hope.

It’s an emotional roller-coaster ride but we must pray for MH370, no matter what.

Indonesian Air Force flight crew listen during a briefing at the Medan city military airbase on March 13, 2014 after conducting an aerial search over Malacca Strait.

We seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

THE 10 most ridiculous rumours circulating about the MH370 incident, especially on the Internet (it is not just Facebook but also many blogs, chats, etc), reveal the state of utter confusion among Malaysian netizens.

We complain a lot and say we feel embarrassed when the Malaysian frontliners give conflicting statements. But at the same time, we seem to swallow hook, line and sinker everything the social media dish out, even when reports are clearly false.

Confusion No.1: The missing MH370 landed in Nanning, China. They are all safe. The pilot, one Captain Sufian Suan, has called up and confirmed that all the passengers are safe and sound. No one seems to ask why no one has called up the authorities in Nanning to verify. Nanning, after all, is a major Chinese city and it is not every day that a plane flies in unannounced. But everyone on Facebook claimed that was the truth. And their friends, and friends of friends, and their many FB friends have all confirmed.

Ah Boy, listen to Ma, it’s the truth, okay? I already double confirmed. It’s all over Facebook, didn’t you read? Thank God, they are safe. I don’t understand why the Government still never announce, always so slow.

Confusion No.2: The prize has got to go to the three bomohs who came in their suits and ties. They even had a purported magic carpet. They reminded most Malaysians of the P. Ramlee movie Laksamana Do Re Mi, a 1972 Malaysian comedy featuring P. Ramlee, A.R. Tompel and Ibrahim Din reprising their roles as Do, Re and Mi respectively.

May I have the envelope, please? The top award has to go to this Bomoh Trio for bringing international disrepute, scorn and embarrassment to all Malaysians. Seriously, they need to have their heads examined, and to seek treatment.

One was holding two coconuts, maybe to symbolise some kind of radar or tracking device, and one was using his walking stick as a paddle. The middle one held a basket. This has to be a classic basket case, you may say.

The carpet, we guess, was to represent a boat. Thanks, guys, you have done a superb job in bringing Malaysia to the world and giving medical tourism a whole new meaning. If a magic carpet can fly, so can all Malaysians.

Strange as it may sound, even Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor (JAIS) has been praised by its usual critics after the department issued a warning to the Bomoh Trio that they might be arrested!

But the Bomoh Trio does have company. A video has appeared on FB showing a Taoist priest from Klang in a trance and, while drinking liquor, is making his prediction on the plane! It proves the point that there are enough idiots of all races and religions in Malaysia.

Confusion No.3: The plane has vanished into an isolated place in Russia. Come on, this has to come from someone who has regularly failed his geography exam since primary school. The fact that many Malaysians actually believe and shared it on FB proved my theory that Malaysians are really bad at Geography. During my student days, the subject was called Ilmu Alam and now, with all the strange theories about MH370, many are really lost in some alam.

Hello, the plane vanished after two hours. If it cannot even reach Beijing, how can it reach Russia? If it has entered Russia illegally, do we actually think that President Vladimir Putin will do nothing, even if he has his hands full on Ukraine and Crimea?

Confusion No.4: Actually, the Malaysian authorities know where the plane is – it has clearly been hijacked but they cannot tell us anything because negotiations are in progress for the right ransom.

This one has to come from a very confused FB account holder. Obviously, he has many more confused FB friends. Most of these really imaginative, stoned or really blurred people must have just watched Liam Neeson’s recent movie about a hijacked plane.

I am glad that there is no representative from a media specialising in such theories or he would have posed this question at the daily media briefing.

Confusion No.5: It’s proven – Malaysians are pretty bad with Mathematics. No surprise that we rank pretty low on the international scale. Look, we cannot even get it right – two fake passports or four? DCA says five passengers didn’t show up, the IGP says only one, and MAS then said actually four did not show up.

Immigration says the Iranians used Austrian and Italian passports to enter Malaysia but Interpol says the two Iranians entered Malaysia on Iranian passports before switching to the Austrian and Italian passports to leave KLIA. By now, everyone is thoroughly confused.

Confusion No.6: The media is also one confused lot amid their eagerness to file the fastest news report. A reference to footballer Mario Balotelli – as an illustration to show that an African man with an Italian name may not be white – was wrongly interpreted by reporters, who misquoted the DCA official as saying that the man using a fake passport was black.

As this statement contradicted the Home Minister who had assumed the fake passport holders to be Asian, the barrage of criticism went viral on FB. One newspaper got it wrong too and put the news on page one. Its online link was shared on FB. Until today, it remains a fact even though the poor DCA chap was misquoted.

Confusion No.7: The most distasteful claim has to come from the Australian blonde. It is truly shameful. She has accused the First Officer of MH370, in another flight back in 2011, of letting her sit in the cockpit during take-off and landing. But it’s essentially a one-sided story and the officer may never have a chance to rebut or defend himself. We should show respect to his family. This is utterly disgusting. Instead of showing sympathy, many have added more fuel to the claim by insisting the accusations were “confirmed”. How? By just a mere picture of the pilots with the blondes?

Confusion No.8: Families of the passengers coming in from China on a MAS flight ended up in India instead of Kuala Lumpur. The cri­tics, including some journalists who do not think, did not even bother to verify the story. They will believe anything that gives them a chance to run down and wallop the authorities.

But hey, how can that possibly happen? Chinese passengers entering a plane loaded with Indians? How do they find their seats and how could they be on board?

One Singaporean youth news portal actual­ly got hoodwinked into believing the news and uploaded it on their portal as a fact!

But many Malaysians are too lazy and confused to check, preferring to believe most things they read on the Internet.

Confusion No.9: The one who has to politicise everything. Even the MH370 incident has to tie up with politics and the leadership. One constant armchair critic, who declares himself an independent but appears in many functions organised by a certain political party, said the ruling government has to go, as in replaced, in the next general election.

Another politician is upset that foreign intrusion is allowed to take place in Malaysia because foreign ships and aircraft are allowed to take part in the search and rescue operation. But there are enough confused people who believe him. Really, they need help.

Confusion No.10: If there is any top prize for the most ridiculous theory, it has to be for those who think aliens are at work. It’s either some kind of abduction by foreign beings or some disappearance into some black hole, like what one sees in a Twilight Zone movie. Seriously, planes do vanish, perhaps not in modern aviation times, but it has happened before.

In one case, a plane flying between Buenos Aires and Santiago just disappeared without a trace – and the debris was found 60 years later, on a snow-covered mountain top. Just Google, as we say.

But decent Malaysians only have one thing on their minds – to pray for the well-being of the passengers and their families. We must pray for them but we can do with the disappearance of those who post comments, false news and doctored pictures on FB without thinking. Not to forget some of our silly politicians too.

How well do we really know our foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning?

SO it’s now official – Malaysia has a population of 30 million people. I guess this will include a lot of foreigners who are now an integral part of Malaysian life.

How well do we really know these foreign guest workers who help to keep Malaysia functioning? Are they just aliens to us?

Here’s a list of nine facts that we hope will clear the warped minds of many ignorant and confused Malaysians.

Fact No.1: The most famous alien of the week has to be Ultraman. He may be a superhero of possibly Japanese ethnic origin but, hey, he is still a foreigner, okay? With his tight, dodgy rubber suit, it would not have been possible for him to carry his documents around in Malaysia – and that would have been an offence!

He has fought Godzilla and a host of other monsters but he has met his Waterloo – he got floored, walloped and beaten by a Google Translate-minded translator. Ultraman is always on the side of law and order but to be equated as Allah and Elder would have blown him off!

An ignorant translator, a publisher with no permit and a fake address, and a really sharp-eyed censorship official – that would have been simply new to Ultraman. There are more surprises for him – there are also ultra right-wingers in Malaysia whom we would love him to meet.

And, of course, some of our officials are ultra-sensitive these days, preferring to use the sledgehammer approach in the execution of their duties. But we hope they won’t exercise their duties beyond their powers or, as the legal term which is often used, ultra vires. Not ultra virus.

But the worst of all is this ultra-silly translator who has literally carried out an ulta job – which in our local lingo is a lousy job!

All these may be alien to Malaysians and even to our illegal immigrants but, hey, this is Malaysia, okay? We love to laugh at ourselves; we love to be in the international news, even for the wrong reasons. Don’t try to alienate us, okay?

Fact No.2: Yes, many Bangladeshi men walk around Pudu and Bukit Bintang holding hands. I know you are shocked. Come on, confess. I know you think they have a certain sexual orientation. Okay, let’s blurt it out – you think they are homosexuals, right? A real man doesn’t hold another man’s hand, you think.

But the fact is that in Bangladesh and some southern Asian countries, holding hands, especially between men, is a sign of close friendship and brotherhood. It’s simply as innocent as that, you ignorant fool.

And your perverted, twisted and prejudiced Malaysian mind thought that besides cricket, our Bangladeshi friends have other fanatical passion – like holding hands. Hands up, those who want to confess!

Fact No.3: Not all Nigerians are conmen who cheat innocent Malaysian women into thinking that they are white Britons who live in big countryside homes. Not all Nigerians attempt to cheat you into sending them money by claiming they are corrupt generals. Not all Nigerians dupe you into making more money appear from nowhere.

Not all Nigerians who live in the Mentari housing estate in Bandar Sunway get drunk, party till morning and make a nuisance of themselves.

There are many God-fearing and God-­loving Nigerians living among us. If you keep bumping into a Nigerian, it’s simply because Nigeria is the biggest country in Africa. It’s many times bigger than Malaysia. So you didn’t know and you thought Nigeria is just a pimple of a country. Shame on you for thinking that we are bigger than the universe because of your super Malaysia Boleh ego.

Fact No.4: Iranians are now the largest group among the Malaysia My Second Home participants. There are more than 70,000 Iranians studying, working or waiting for visas in this country. It isn’t true that all Iranians are Ayatollahs with beards, wearing turbans and flowing robes. In fact, they are coming into Malaysia in huge numbers because they like our easy-going multi-ethnic country.

According to a news report, many clubs in Kuala Lumpur now dedicate a day each week as “Iranian Night” featuring Iranian deejays and music.

Put simply, they love to party without fear of getting whipped by the moral police – and yet some of us want to turn Malaysia into something like Iran!

And, of course, by now we have learned that not all Iranians are angels and God-fearing, despite coming from a religiously puritanical country, after the arrest of many Iranian drug traffickers in Malaysia.

Okay, here’s the lesson you need to learn – Iranians are not Arabs. They are Persians and, in fact, they can’t stand the Arabs. Iranians are mostly Shi’ites while Arabs are predominantly Sunnis.

Aiyo, really Ah Boy, I am now really confused. All this while, I thought Iranians are Arabs. They all smoke shisha and eat the same food, what? All Muslims what, got difference meh? This is crazy lah, Ah Boy, so many foreigners in KL now.

Fact No.5: Not all Nepalese are Gurkhas. Gurkhas are the tough guys who served as soldiers in the Nepalese, British and Indian army, according to a report. They are the equivalent of Rambo, you may say.

It has nothing to do with the skinny and bored security guards at your apartment reception or the guardhouse.

The only thing in common between the skinny guard and the macho looking ex-army man is that they are both Nepalese. They eat the same food and probably enjoy watching the same Hindi movies. That’s where it ends.

And I am not sure Nepalese men are really that tough. Come on, I haven’t come across any Nepalese doing construction work, have you?

Ah Boy, I already told you. I will say it again, okay? So many of these security guards are so skinny, they cannot even take care of themselves. I am really worried each time I walk to my car. Can the skinny guards fight off the rapist?

Fact No.6: China is a big, big country with over a billion people. Don’t lump everyone together. Not every Chinese woman wants to skip classes in our local colleges, okay? Not every Chinese woman wants to steal the husband of her Malaysian counterpart, okay? Not every Chinese woman is a China doll. Many actually look quite frightening.

Not all Chinamen are rich and wealthy with super connections with the Communist Party of China’s (CCP) political politburo. And, for sure, not every Chinaman is selling fake precious stones in Pudu.

But here’s the fact: more and more mainland Chinese have signed up for the Malaysia My Second Home programme. They are also the biggest foreign investors in Johor’s Iskandar project now.

Yes, the Chinese are coming and many are wealthy! And because we are investor-friendly, realistic Malaysians, we do not care if they are CCP-card carrying members. Who cares? As long as they have money, we welcome them! Huan ying! Huan ying! (welcome in Mandarin).

Fact No.7: It is surely not true that all Vietnamese eat dogs or cats. It is probably propaganda by the US army against the Vietnamese during the 1960s war. The Americans were probably mistaken or intentionally confused when they heard that Vietnamese love eating pho – the delicious flat rice noodles aka koay teow. Pho, as some of us may not know, rhymes with the word “fur”. That’s when the confused American marines, who were already going insane with the fighting or just high on drugs, thought it was these furry animals or men’s best friends that these Vietnamese were eating.

I mean, if you are a country simpleton from the mid-West who cannot tell the difference between Vietnam and India, how would you know the difference between pho and fur? That’s how the myth of the dog-eating Vietnamese probably started.

So if you are living in Klang or Balakong, where there are many Vietnamese, please do not accuse our Vietnamese friends of anything if your dogs don’t come home.

Fact No.8: Not all South Americans are in town to join our football teams or to teach zumba, rumba or salsa in dancing schools.

Many South American crooks have found Malaysians easy targets because some of us cannot imagine that there can be Caucasian-looking criminals. If anyone of them can speak Spanish or, even better, sing like Julio Iglesias, then he has to be a lover, surely not a fighter or a thief.

So more and more South American criminals are making their way into our homes – and stealing our belongings.

The Polis DiRaja Malaysia, when contacted, could not confirm nor deny accusations that Latinos often sing Quanta La Mera – the Spanish words for “in the” – when they are “in the” process of stealing from us.

Fact No.9: You cannot talk about illegal immigrants and foreign workers without talking about crooked policemen. They all seem to go together for some strange reasons. It may sound alien or foreign to you but it’s the truth – unless you are putting on blinkers or living in another planet, which makes you an alien, for sure.

Well, there are enough accusations from many foreigners that they are often picked on by rogue cops who want bribes and even cigarettes if they can’t prove their case.

That’s really horrible if these stories are true as it is simply unacceptable to see foreign workers being bullied. That’s a foreign and alien culture.

We are Malaysians. If they are illegal immigrants, round them up. If they have refugee status, let them be. If they have proper documents, let them work without fear.

But we are sure that not every cop behaves like this. We have read of cops being bashed up or even killed by illegal immigrants.

There are many other real stories of policemen who put their lives at risk to protect us against crooked foreign criminals.

But whatever said and done, these foreigners certainly love Malaysia. They get arrested, deported and, hey, they are back again in Malaysia – until the next operation by the authorities! What a forgiving lot we all are!

Malaysian motorists are very good at multi-tasking.

Malaysian drivers have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

IF you think Malaysian politicians are untrustworthy, unreliable and dangerous, then you haven’t met Malaysian motorists.

Talking to me? Yes! We have been rated as the worst in the region and we enjoy killing ourselves on the roads, with fatalities of up to 7,000 a year.

We are not sure if this is the result of driving schools simply churning out inadequately trained drivers or the authorities dishing out kopi lesen for the right price. But for sure, Malaysian drivers are pretty peculiar, so to speak. Here are 10 offences you must know about us.

Offence No 1: Foreigners – especially the high-income ones who call themselves expatriates to distinguish themselves from the low-paying foreigners – must understand that mamak restaurant owners are the kings of parking lots.

Yes, you read it right. No one can park their vehicle outside their restaurants. It’s only reserved for their tables and stools, especially in the evenings.

So please do not think that because you are an expat, wah, you can complain about Malaysia. Even we Malaysians keep quiet.

Don’t ask why municipal council enforcement officers are not acting. You think they’ve got no work to do, ah? Tearing down “rocket and volcano massage” posters already take up all their time, okay?

Offence No 2: When we drive into a shopping mall, we fight to park near the entrance. That’s because most of us are too lazy to walk. We may insist on the need to exercise daily to keep ourselves fit but when it comes to parking at the mall, it must always be at the spot nearest to the lift! Can’t you just park right in front of the entrance? Ah Boy, we need to walk very far if we park too far.

Not only that. Now, Malaysia is not safe any more. I don’t want to be robbed or raped while walking to the car, okay Ah Boy. These foreign security guards all useless ones, ask them where is the toilet also they don’t know. You trust them, ah, all so skinny ones, how to protect us? Come, come, park near the entrance. Pusing a few rounds lah, if don’t have!

Offence No 3: Malaysia must be the only country in the world where, after spending millions of ringgit to build stretches of beautiful roads, we immediately build humps every few metres away from each other! This is absolutely mind boggling but, hey, this is Malaysia. We do things our way, okay? Why ask so much, jealous of our success in humping, ah? Sorry, I mean, we love humps.

Offence No 4: Malaysian motorists are very good at multi-tasking. We can do many job functions at one time while driving. We can text, SMS or whatsapp while driving or even while riding our bikes. This is already an acceptable thing. No longer a skill, okay?

Of course, yakking away and driving at 20kph, ignoring the honking behind us, is also already an entrenched culture: Itu sudah jadi biasa lah bro, bukan news lagi lah. (That’s already normal, no longer news.)

While on the wheel, some of us play with the baby or pet dog, too. I told you what, Malaysians can do anything one.

Offence No 5: If you have seen how human beings can turn into super heroes in the movies, such Transformer actions also happen in Malaysia. A simple, mild-mannered, friendly and helpful person whom you think you’ve known all your life can turn into a reckless, bad-mouthing road devil once he or she takes control of the wheel.

Seriously, Malaysian drivers can be the subject of a doctoral thesis. Just look at the changing mood of Malaysian drivers when they push the pedal. From honking at the vehicles in front of them for no apparent reason to giving ugly stares as they pass by another motorist, their behaviour is such that no one is safe on the road in Malaysia.

Offence No 6: The red light at traffic junctions is only meant for cars, not for motor bikes. Nope, we are not kidding. Come on, lah macha (brother in Tamil). Where do you find motorcylists stopping at junctions? Who taught you to stop? Your driving instructors, who offered you the “guaranteed pass kopi duit” package, ah?

Stop arguing, okay? Red lights are not for motorcyclists. It’s for Malaysians who can afford to buy cars. Yes, that was an election pledge – if that makes you happy.

Offence No 7: Demerit points? I don’t think any of us have come across any Malaysian who has been penalised for breaking traffic rules and collecting demerit points that could lead to our licences being suspended. Got, meh?

In fact, most of us probably do not even recall the much publicised but fully dormant Kejara demerit system.

Before the Automated Enforcement System (AES) could even be implemented – that would have ensured the points could automatically be deducted – the system itself was prematurely suspended.

The Road Transport Department said last December that the AES would be revived in January. Well, we are already in March now.

And in the best Malaysian tradition of “announce first, then call for review and then scrap it”, which our Malaysian leaders are well known for, this one is also going for a record – the Kejara demerit system was introduced in 1984 and 30 years later, we are still at the kami sedang mengkaji (we are still studying) stage.

Offence No 8: According to statistics, traffic fines paid by motorists in Malaysia come up to RM10mil every year! That’s amazing. That’s almost the gross domestic product (GDP) of some African nation! Malaysia Memang Boleh.

The RM10mil does not even include the “So, macam mana selesai? (So, how do we settle?)” penalties involving crooked traffic cops.

Bernama reported that according to the Kuala Lumpur Police, 22,054 traffic summonses were issued between January and September of 2012. A total of 33,836 traffic summonses were issued in 2010, amounting to RM10.5mil! We are really a “fine” country!

Offence No 9: No wonder all the betting shops are doing well. It has become almost an automatic reaction that the minute we see an accident, all of us whip out our cameraphones – the first picture goes to Instagram and Facebook, a video that must go viral if the motorists are fighting each other. If it’s of different races, better still, it’s got a racial twist, even if the feuding motorists don’t think that way. And for the uncle: Oi, Ah Boy, you saw the number plate of the car or not? Sure you got the right number, ah? Okay, call Robert fast. Place the bets! Yes, big and small!

Offence No 10: And finally, on behalf of the confused and dangerous Malaysian motorists, we wish to extend our deepest appreciation to Polis DiRaja Malaysia for continuously understanding all of us, despite our many traffic offences.

We will continue not to pay our traffic summons until the yearly discounts are given, as PDRM has continuously done so year in and year out.

We are proud that this is the only country in the world where discounts and rewards are given for late payment of traffic summonses.

Please do not let the jealous foreigners and international media stop you from conducting this yearly discount scheme. Yes, we will continue scheming … oops, we mean we will continue supporting this discount scheme.

Salam 1Malaysia!

From left: Khalid Ibrahim, Ibrahim Ali, Syed Ibrahim Syed Noh and Ibrahim Ahmad Badawi

Lately, whether by design, fate or plain coincidence, we have been seeing, reading or hearing about people or issues that involve the name Ibrahim.

THERE is something odd going on lately in Malaysia. For some seriously strange reasons, whether by design, fate or plain coincidence, Malaysians are seeing, reading or hearing about people or issues that involve the name Ibrahim. So let us go through the current hot list.

Anwar Ibrahim: He sure knows how to confuse us. We all thought he wanted to be Prime Minister. Then he said he would retire from politics and take up a teaching career if Pakatan Rakyat failed to capture Putrajaya in the general election.

Well, many of us, being the confused lot that we are, actually believe him, or at least believe in the many things that he has been saying, anyway.

Then, following the decision of the Kajang state assemblyman to vacate the seat, Anwar confused us further by saying he would not be contesting the seat. But he finally announced, after much charade, that he would be contesting after all.

Now, he says that even if he wins the seat, he does not aim to be the Mentri Besar of Selangor. Well, the whole world seems to think otherwise.

He has already confused us enough with his answers on why he is forcing a by-election in Kajang. Until now, no one, including his diehard supporters, can give us a convincing explanation.

Seriously, all of us should really ask him what it is he really wants. This man has to be the master of surprises. No one can beat him at that.

No one can remember him having a liking for football. Horses and jet ski, yes. Suddenly he has donned the colours of the Selangor football team.

If Penang plays against Selangor, we are not sure if he will be wearing anything, given that he is an MP from Penang, which is also a Pakatan-controlled state. That’s pretty confusing.

Well, for sure, he has really given us a few good lessons in politics!

Khalid Ibrahim: This is one sorry Ibrahim. His hair has become more dishevelled lately. He murmurs to himself most of the time and he is doing this even more.

Who can blame him? He has to be careful who he talks to now with his party boss wanting to take over his job. His fellow ADUNs – who all claim they are in politics for the sake of the people – must be having a tough time deciding who they should stand behind now to further their political ambitions.

They have to decide which horse they should back – this mumbling corporate figure or the real political animal, Anwar Ibrahim, who has the magic of getting people to believe what he wants them to believe.

If it’s me, it’s me. If he says it isn’t him, all will nod in agreement, as if under a spell, and repeat that it isn’t him. It’s just a lookalike of me, a body double, a Siamese twin.

Poor Khalid. The only one he can trust is himself. He can only talk to himself.

We all hope he will just hang in there because he is actually a likeable bloke. What you see is what you get from this Ibrahim.

Zaid Ibrahim: Now, this one is tricky. We are just as confused because he has either joined or formed almost every political party in town. And we, being the terribly naïve Malaysians, thought that this sort of thing only happens to Sabahan politicians.

No one is quite sure why he is declaring his candidacy for the Kajang by-election. It can’t be his love for the satay there, for sure. We are not even sure if he knows his way around Kajang or if he even has friends there.

But this Ibrahim can be assured that he will get his 15 minutes of fame every night on prime time TV. Our advice is he should not attempt to sound too philosophical or intellectual during his campaign rounds in Kajang.

That’s because we are already confused. We are not sure if he is seeking the support of Barisan or Pakatan Rakyat supporters. We are not too sure there are enough fence sitters like him. But we are sure he will confuse us during the entire campaign period.

Ibrahim Ali: We can assume that he will be there. He and his gang of merry men never let us down when it comes to providing the comic relief. But he has been saying that he is actually the one who has been delivering the Malay votes for Umno and that without him, Umno would have been in serious trouble.

But the best line from him recently is that there are many troublemakers impersonating Perkasa members! Fuyoh!

Now, that’s interesting! And we, being the confused Malaysians, thought that Malaysian politicians have confused us sufficiently and endlessly but this is the ultimate confusion! Imitation Perkasa members, wow.

Haris Ibrahim: He has been unusually quiet since being initially denied entry into Australia last September. The outspoken activist and lawyer shows up everywhere. He is a permanent fixture in all protests and demonstra­tions. A specialist in this sort of things, we may say. We are not sure if he will add some colour and excitement in Kajang. But he’s definitely another Ibrahim that we can welcome to the Kajang polls, to confuse many of us further.

Syed Ibrahim Syed Noh: He may not be a household name in Malaysia but he would probably get a recognition from the Malaysia Book of Records for being involved in the most number of non-­government organisations. This Ibrahim is involved in every NGO – from Bersih to Gabungan Mansuh ISA to Pemantau to Independent Monitoring Election Commission.

He has served notice that he will be in Kajang in his capacity as chief of the Malaysians for Free and Fair Elections (Mafrel). Are there any hats he is not wearing? Hasn’t he been confused himself before?

We won’t be surprised if he will soon head a Gabungan Cinta Satay Kajang or Stick It Up for Kajang Voters movements.

Rahim Thamby Chik: Well, not quite Ibrahim but close enough. This veteran politician can’t stand the sight of Anwar Ibrahim. Or for that matter anything about Anwar Ibrahim. He is his sworn enemy. Well, Enemy Forever. Not BFF, for sure.

We are not sure whether he will turn up in Kajang with Ummi Hafilda, another sworn enemy of Anwar. She seems to have gone into political oblivion since her marriage to a Pakistani doctor. It seems to be like an extended honeymoon, perhaps to make up for lost time. But we hope to hear from her soon. Looks like she has discovered that there’s more to life than her obsession – Anwar Ibrahim. It’s never too late. All these players hate one another but they can’t stay away from one another either. Isn’t that confusing?

Ibrahim Ahmad Badawi: Brahim LSG Skychef Sdn Bhd, formerly known as MAS Catering, belongs to Datuk Ibrahim Haji Ahmad Badawi, the younger brother of Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. This company has been in the news lately.

Those of us who have been lucky enough to travel on business class on MAS will find the airline’s satay simply irresistible. Having lost the nasi lemak fight, we hope MAS will now redeem its image and go to Kajang for a satay war soon.

No one would have thought that there is such a thing as a “very naked” nasi lemak! Chef Wan Ismail took a picture of the very bare nasi lemak that was served in economy class on the route to Bangkok.

To the horror of this melodramatic chef, he claimed there were no nuts! Chef Wan may seem lembut (soft) at times but no one messes around with his food.

He was terribly pissed off. He whipped out his smart phone and took pictures of the nasi lemak missing the nuts. Err, sorry, I meant groundnuts.

And for Chef Wan, that’s a helluva of a telanjang (naked)! The essential ikan bilis or fried anchovies were not there either.

Well, following a full investigation, just short of a Royal Commission, it was finally revealed that the nuts had to be removed because they had gone stale. Blame the supplier who had gone on Chinese New Year break. Well, someone has to be the scapegoat in the great Malaysian tradition.

Poor Ibrahim, we never thought this would become an issue. This whole thing may seem a little nutty but the moral of the lesson here is, please don’t take economy class passengers for granted. We are not any ikan bilis, okay? We can strip anyone, Datuk or no Datuk, naked.

Well, things are going to get more interesting because the nomination and campaigning for Kajang have not even started yet!

And we still say the Election Commission should extend the campaigning period.